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Abstract

d Nice List. They don't know that Santa also has his Extra Naughty List of hot moms he bangs on Christmas Eve.</p><p id="4d8e">Needless to say, that pure little rabbit watched me do a thousand women in the city of Vienna alone before reaching his future home. He thought rabbits should love sex and have it all the time. The rest of the species agreed with him.</p><p id="b26b">My bad.</p><h2 id="0a6f">Eaten with Vegan Cookies:0</h2><p id="ac87">If you leave me Vegan Cookies on Christmas Eve, I'll stab you in the heart with a Sugar-Free candy cane.</p><h2 id="1af3">My Favorite Rabbit</h2><p id="9c53">The one that ripped out the knight's jugular in Monty Python. That shit is hilarious. Where is he now? I'm still trying to figure out where the rabbit is working with the Writers and Actors strike going on.</p><h1 id="0312">How Old Was I When I First…</h1><h2 id="774f">Stole a Girl's Heart</h2><p id="5fbd">Perhaps you confuse me with Krampus. He's the demonic Santa that cuts open your chest and removes your organs. We may dress the same but have a very different mojo.</p><h2 id="0644">Stole a Girl's Panties</h2><p id="9d6d">Nothing to steal. Hot moms give me their panties freely.</p><h2 id="d45b">Stole a Girl's Books</h2><p id="d4ac">Santa doesn't steal. He gives out books like an angelic fucking librarian.</p><h2 id="ec7e">Stuck a Pencil Up My Nose</h2><p id="ef33">How do you think I convinced Mrs. Clause to move to the North Pole? She's originally from a small island town in Greece and hates the snow.</p><p id="5360">However, It wasn't a <i>pencil</i>, and it wasn't her <i>nose</i>.</p><h2 id="c75f">Pictures of My Dog</h2><figure id="f190"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*33A1cYepPeI9JCc-"><figcaption>Blitzen relaxing on Spring Break. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@sebastiengoldbe

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rg?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Sébastien Goldberg</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="0fbf">Pictures of My Feet</h2><figure id="5018"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*e5b6pUsGY3xAW5Uj"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jakobowens1?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Jakob Owens</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="4d70">My Favorite Meal</h2><figure id="cf8f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*vAQyWp9Utx7fbrp2"><figcaption>I'm a fucking cannibal. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@blueskiesburning?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Ignacio R</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="d522">Favorite Comedian</h2><p id="6a7b">Two-way tie between <a href="undefined">Srini</a> and <a href="undefined">Kristen Stark</a>.</p><p id="076b">Srini, keep pumping out the madness. The elves love your stories.</p><p id="ffc9">Stark, where the fuck are you?</p><p id="3abd"><i>Ann James inspired this story.</i></p><div id="fec2" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/q-and-a-for-mediums-sexiest-men-546d19247913"> <div> <div> <h2>Q and A for Medium's SeXiest Men</h2> <div><h3>Applicants Wanted.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*G4xsugHZ6hU71EZn)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

SEXY MEN OF MEDIUM

"Dad Bod" Is Out; the "Santa Bod" Is In

Answering Ann James' questions of sexiness

Dear Ann,

I answered your sexy calendar questions. And if you like what you read, leave some extra mistletoe above the chimney on December 24th. 😘

Much Love

Santa Claus

Favorite Quote

“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus”

Yeah, you did!

Tally of Rabbits by Type

Drowned: 1

Steve Irwin — AKA the Crocodile Hunter — God rest his soul — May the jellyfish that killed him rot in Hell … was a challenging Christmas delivery.

It's chilly on Christmas Eve, and I always put down a fifth of Jägermeister when I reach Australia. Half drunk and still giggling from dropping a shit load of coal on Patrick Eades's shag carpet, I wasn't paying attention when I entered Steve's house.

Steve used his Aquaman-like powers to train an attack bunny to roam the living room. The furry little fucker jumped straight at my neck when I stepped out of the chimney. I went all Krav Maga and held the evil Thumper underwater in a 40,000-liter saltwater fish tank.

Saved From Promiscuity: 0

Taught Promiscuity: Infinity

In the olden times, rabbits were as chaste as a Benedictine monk with leperous acne. One Christmas Eve in 1498, I had a rabbit in my sack waiting for delivery. Now everyone knows Santa has his Naughty List and Nice List. They don't know that Santa also has his Extra Naughty List of hot moms he bangs on Christmas Eve.

Needless to say, that pure little rabbit watched me do a thousand women in the city of Vienna alone before reaching his future home. He thought rabbits should love sex and have it all the time. The rest of the species agreed with him.

My bad.

Eaten with Vegan Cookies:0

If you leave me Vegan Cookies on Christmas Eve, I'll stab you in the heart with a Sugar-Free candy cane.

My Favorite Rabbit

The one that ripped out the knight's jugular in Monty Python. That shit is hilarious. Where is he now? I'm still trying to figure out where the rabbit is working with the Writers and Actors strike going on.

How Old Was I When I First…

Stole a Girl's Heart

Perhaps you confuse me with Krampus. He's the demonic Santa that cuts open your chest and removes your organs. We may dress the same but have a very different mojo.

Stole a Girl's Panties

Nothing to steal. Hot moms give me their panties freely.

Stole a Girl's Books

Santa doesn't steal. He gives out books like an angelic fucking librarian.

Stuck a Pencil Up My Nose

How do you think I convinced Mrs. Clause to move to the North Pole? She's originally from a small island town in Greece and hates the snow.

However, It wasn't a pencil, and it wasn't her nose.

Pictures of My Dog

Blitzen relaxing on Spring Break. Photo by Sébastien Goldberg on Unsplash

Pictures of My Feet

My Favorite Meal

I'm a fucking cannibal. Photo by Ignacio R on Unsplash

Favorite Comedian

Two-way tie between Srini and Kristen Stark.

Srini, keep pumping out the madness. The elves love your stories.

Stark, where the fuck are you?

Ann James inspired this story.

Q and A for Medium's SeXiest Men

Applicants Wanted.

medium.com