Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Them

Not sure I like that advice, but here we are.

“They” say that you should always date someone who likes you more than you like them.

I wish I followed that advice when dating Jeremy. He’s the only guy I’ve dated since my divorce who wasn’t head over heels for me the way I was with him.

Typically, I keep guys at arm’s length. I wasn’t looking to get married and settle down. I was fine dating perpetually.

Unfortunately, dating Jeremy changed me. I want the full relationship. Not marriage per se, but I want to experience a happy, committed relationship for the first time in my life (unlike my miserable marriage).

Since my breakup, I’ve dated a few guys. They were all “meh”.

I’m currently dating a very sweet guy, Carlos. He’s a few years younger than me, divorced, has a daughter, and is the first Hispanic guy I’ve dated. He told me that I have enough “brown card” cred to do crossover jokes about our cultural heritages.

In my past writings about dating, I’ve mentioned guys with great bodies. Sean was a former football player and still has a solid body. Jeremy’s body was drool-worthy. But Carlos is a gym rat and his body is full-on bodybuilder level. And unlike white guys in our demographic, he doesn’t have the age spots and sun damage. His skin is flawless, his muscles look Photoshopped, and I’m sure he’ll look even better naked when we get to that point.

Our first date went well. Four and a half hours. I hate that I mentally hold my first date with Jeremy as the high bar. He was the only guy I drove away from at the end of the night not listing the red flags.

Carlos thinks he’s 5'10. He’s not. For some women, height doesn’t matter. It does for me since I’m almost 5'3 and with heels, I’m 5'6 or 5'7. I’ve been told my entire life how “petite”, “short”, and “tiny” I am. If a guy is almost the same size as me, then I don’t feel as feminine as I want to around him.

I’ll cut him slack given he can lift a truck.

The next red flag is his career. I’ve done my time playing a sugar mama to a guy who makes less than me. All of these dudes want an attractive chick on their arms. That shit costs money. I’m happy to contribute here or there but Botox and good Korean sunblock aren’t cheap.

Carlos is in sales. He’s also working towards his real estate license to sell mortgages or something like that. He’s extremely ambitious, I’ll give him that. I can’t tell if he’s successful or not. He drives a Prius because he drives everywhere for work. He has a Tag watch but it was a gift. He doesn’t own a house, which is the next red flag.

His mother was diagnosed with lymphoma (I’m not even 100% sure what that is) when he divorced. Since Carlos had to move anyway, he moved in with his parents in their plush 6-bedroom home in a swanky neighborhood. It allows him to take his real estate classes and have built-in childcare for his daughter.

On one hand, that means he doesn’t have any major bills to pay. On the other hand, I’m not in the business of always hosting someone at my house. Cue where I miss Jeremy’s place, it was so easy to hang out there. When I dated Thomas, we could only hang out at my place. I hated it because that’s a lot of pressure to always keep my house clean and smelling nice.

The biggest, most disappointing red flag? Carlos is a horrible kisser. So bad that during our first kiss, I thought about how I’d rather be kissing my ex-husband. That says a lot since I’d rather gouge my eyes out than ever kiss Joseph again. It was all slobbery. So much slobber. Later that night, Carlos texted me about my kissable lips. At least one of us thought that went well.

But…he’s very charismatic. I guess he makes me laugh. Not on the floor in tears like I was with Jeremy, but he’s not uptight at all. Carlos texts me regularly, wants to see me often, and already has plans lined up for all the things we’re going to do together.

I forgot what it’s like to have a guy be really into me. Sometimes, it makes me angry that I accepted the bare minimum in my relationship with Jeremy.

I’m on the fence with Carlos. On the one hand, he’s a sweet guy who likes me more than I like him. On the other hand, I miss limerence. There are no butterflies and he doesn’t make my heart flutter when I see him.

We haven’t had sex yet. For once, I’m not in a rush. I’ve fucked other guys since my breakup with Jeremy but after, I didn’t feel good about myself. Carlos’ slobbery, wet kisses don’t get me all turned on and aroused. Part of me wants to have sex with him just to see him naked and in the hope that his Mr. Olympia physique can do all the right moves.

I’m capable of looking at my comparisons with Jeremy from the lens that I don’t miss him. I miss the laughter and bonding. I miss having that with someone. I don’t want him back. I want that feeling back.

I deleted all of the dating apps. If this doesn’t work out with Carlos, then I’m taking my chances at meeting people in the wild. Given my age and zip code, the odds are nonexistent that I’ll find anyway who gives me those feelings (or anyone at all, for that matter).

That’s the trade-off with liking someone less than they like you. On one hand, there’s relationship security. On the other hand, the rush and excitement are notably absent. That makes a relationship good but not great.

Am I asking for too much? Or am I settling?