Cut Me, Mick!

In a fight, you need a good cornerman!

And in life, you need a good cornerman!

Robert Greene, NY Times best-selling author, expressed it well when he wrote “all of life is a hologram all that we see in people is not real”. It’s not quite as wonderful as FACEBOOK would have you believe. Sociologist Ervin Goffman referred to this as managing the “frontstage” of life.

COVID-19 has torn asunder much of the facade. We have pulled the curtain back and we know the reality of life. We know for every “frontstage” there is a “backstage”. People are dealing with really serious problems. Emotional distress is more the rule than the exception. Worries about kids, worries about parents, worries about school, worries about work, worries about COVID-19, worries about the economy, and WORRIES ABOUT WORRY.

There is good news. If you maintain appropriate perspective anxiety and stress can be managed. Having someone to talk to is a game-changer.

HAVING A CORNERMAN CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE:

The term cornerman comes from boxing and signifies a very special relationship. The corner-man is a “coach or teammate assisting the fighter during the length of a boxing match”. In life, a good cornerman is there to go through the “fight” as well. Except the opponent is not another boxer. The opponent is life itself. Please understand that a good cornerman is not always easy to find.

5 essential qualities of a good cornerman:

• A good cornerman is supportive, accessible, and present but doesn’t solve the problem for you: In boxing, the cornerman must remain outside the combat area during the fight but is in close proximity to the action. He provides assistance, advice, and instructions but doesn’t try to intervene in the action. A cornerman in boxing waits until the opportune time to provide support, usually between rounds. The same can be said for a cornerman in life. If your cornerman becomes overly involved (for example engages in enabling behavior) the support can become counterproductive and problematic. At the same time, your cornerman in life needs to be accessible. For example, if it takes two weeks to get an appointment to see a therapist you need to find a new cornerman. You may keep your therapist, but you may want to get a cornerman as well.
• A good cornerman has some direct experience with the battle: In boxing, a corner-man is almost always an ex-boxer, trainer, or coach. Rarely will someone just come in from the sidelines without the lived experience of the sport! The same can be said of a cornerman in life. Your cornerman doesn’t need to have an identical experience, however, he or she should have some battle experience. If he or she presents with no lived experience; then I would run the other way. That would be the equivalent of having Rich Jones as a cornerman for a boxing match. Someone will get hurt really bad. It is an issue of theory versus experience and we encourage you to lean heavily on the experiential end.
• A good cornerman will provide individualized support and instruction: In boxing, a cornerman will vary his approach according to the individual needs and characteristics of the boxer. A right-handed boxer is not handled the same way as a left-handed boxer. A “technician” is handled differently than a “brawler”. Rocky was handled in a different way than Apollo Creed. The same can be said of a cornerman in life. Unfortunately, some “helpers” prefer to give rote instructions. As if there is a manual on life. They present with an attitude of “if it worked for me it will certainly work for you”. The essence of human motivation lies in the unique needs, values, and psychology of each individual person. A one-size-fits-all approach is destined to yield little positive return.
• Occasionally the cornerman has to perform “cut-man” duties: In boxing, there will be times when the fighter’s eyes and face will swell due to getting punched in the face repeatedly. It’s unavoidable. This can make it very hard to see the opponent. Sometimes, in these circumstances, the corner-man will “cut” the boxer to relieve the pressure and make it possible for the boxer to see again. Sometimes your corner-man in life will need to cut you. He or she may say some things that sting. A good cornerman is willing to do whatever is necessary for you to be able to see clearly. Your vision can become cloudy via a well-defined denial system. In these cases, your corner-man may need to cause you temporary pain for long term gain.
• Finally, the cornerman is responsible for “throwing in the towel”: In boxing, the cornerman usually holds the responsibility of throwing in the towel to signify the fight is over. This is done when the boxer is getting beaten to a point of danger. Throwing in the towel is usually not received well by the boxer. The fighter will naturally want to continue the fight and go on to the bitter ends. In life, it can also be necessary to throw in the towel and get more intensive help. For example, people struggling with addiction. Sometimes the corner-man needs to pull the rip-cord and get the person off to rehab or more intensive help.

What would Rocky Balboa have done without Mick?