Crying: The Scratch In My Throat And Positive Masculinity
I have never been a cryer before. I wonder if any of it has to do with being raised in a society where men are unable to cry and feel feelings without being made fun of and criticized for it.
I’ve noticed in my lifetime that women are more likely to feel safe to cry and feel their feelings, but even then, men can apply negative pressures such as women are weak for this, even though they aren’t. I think someone who can feel their emotions and let them out without suppressing them is one of the bravest people that I aspire to be like.
Now my goal isn’t here to bash men, no not at all. I greatly dislike the term toxic masculinity and don’t think it’s healthy to progress forward in society.
A term I’ve liked much more lately is positive masculinity, which encourages men to feel how they want to feel. Such as if a male wants to cry, or wants to feel angry, or happy, allow them to be those feelings. If it’s crying, great! If it’s not, great, No need to shame them and tell them that they are toxic for not crying and spreading toxic masculinity to the world.
I’m Not Much Of A Cryer
I rarely feel the need to cry. Last night I just had a long day, and some comments were said to me at one point and that was the final straw. I just felt everything shift inside of me and just wanted to crawl Into a ball and cry for however long I needed. I unfortunately couldn’t though because I was coaching, and we still had to coach our meet.
I could feel my throat clenching up. You know that feeling when you are holding back on crying and you feel something in your throat? Okay maybe that is just me, but I’m sure others experience it.
I felt that during the entire race. I felt so fragile, vulnerable, and hurt. This was odd for me because I rarely ever get like this, If someone says something to me that hurts my feeling my normal mental default is this 🖕🏻.
But it wasn’t this 🖕🏻. Well okay, maybe it was a little 🤭.
The Challenges Of Being An Adult And Holding It All Inside
The day wrapped up and I was pretty drained. I was lucky to have family who were supportive of me and didn’t make me feel any worse because I already felt so vulnerable, and you know how sometimes we just feel so vulnerable that almost anything sets us off emotionally? Yeah, that’s what it was like! The floodgates could have been opened at any minute!
Unfortunately as an adult, I had to hold back my tears and instead coach, because we have an obligation as adults to educate the next generation of society, and it wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to just break down there at a meet. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe there are times and places where it is okay for me to cry in front of my students, but at that meet it wasn’t. It would have taken the focus and attention away from them, and they looked to an adult for support during this event!
How Do Feelings Even Pass Through Us, If They Even Do That?
At the end of the day, I got an amazing night of sleep which was great!
I am now writing this the morning after and still feel a bit of that pressure in my throat like I could use a tear-shedding session, but I feel like I suppressed it long enough that it just isn’t going to come out now.
Curious to see what happens in the new future, who knows it may rain outside for you all today. AKA, my tears.
If it does happen, great! Glad I can process my feelings and emotions. If not, no worries I’m trying to tell myself currently that it’s okay if I do or don’t cry, whatever comes up is okay, I just hope I didn’t suppress anything last night!
Do you all worry when you can’t feel an emotion that you’re suppressing it, and it will eventually come up even stronger and more overwhelming? Curious to hear your thoughts, as that is a worry of mine.
Take care, Medium Family ❤️
-©Johnny Poitras 10/21/2023.