Crossing Anhedonia
*When you don’t care if you DIE because you feel DEAD already*
This is not meant to be one of those “ranting, whining” essays. It would be impossible to share what I’ve come to learn, without sharing my experience in whole — as that is how I’ve come to learn these things.
I am 41 years old and my health has drastically changed in the course of the last 3 months or so.
Dealing with an unknown sudden onset illness is difficult to accept at any age. Chronic pain or illness can be soul crushing. It wears you down, physically AND mentally. It is isolating and riddled with anxious thoughts that “things might always be this way.”
Here it is, 2 a.m. and I’m the only one still awake in the house. I think I have slept 12 hours this past week at most.
I’m newly married, my husband and I both work in Recovery/Mental Health/Restorative Criminal Justice. I have 4 beautiful teenagers — 3 girls and 1 boy. I am also “mom” to 4 cats and a 200 lb Great Pyrneese puppy.
I used to have a LIFE. I was active, but still the stereo-typical “Midwestern mom-fat” — I have gone from a size 10 to a size 22/24 in 8 months. … Yelp!! 8 months!
What led to this??? It’s a mystery. I have been visiting every specialist known to God and Man.
Cardiologists, Oncologists, Endocrinologists, my Primary Care Physician, Neurologists, Critical Care Specialists, my OB-GYN, Nutritionists, Gastroenterologists, Ophthalmologists, Nephrologists, Hematologists and more!!
Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh my!! (Wizard of Oz reference). If only the Wizard could make me well again…
I have been poked, prodded, admitted and discharged only to be admitted again. Still no concrete answers.
I went from having 3 jobs, being a older student who was pursuing a Masters Degree — to having ZERO energy, stumbling, shaking uncontrollably, headaches, body aches, night sweats, night terrors, weakness in all limbs, weight loss then weight gain), joint pain and swelling, fainting, convulsions, hives, forgetfulness, memory loss, confusion, sudden periods of high blood pressure, low sugar levels, HIGH sugar levels, edema, light sensitivity, cellulitis, vomiting… and other “unmentionables” no one wants to read about while having breakfast.
I’ve recently been accepted to the Mayo Clinic. People flock from all over the world to be treated there. I felt I was in good hands… that was 2 months ago… we still have not been given any real answers beyond extreme low electrolyte and vitamin levels.
My teeth are literally loose and falling out from lack of nutrition. (You would think I’d be thinner!) I haven’t been able to see a dentist yet — I’ve just had too many other appointments to make it to.
I’m a former endometriene cancer survivor. I had a full hysterectomy. I went through 10 rounds of chemo and radiation. I chose to not take hormone replacement therapy after my dance with the devil was over.
*THIS HAS BEEN A MUCH WORSE EXPERIENCE THAN CANCER.*
… … THAN CANCER … …
I let that thought sink in as I struggle to just get from the couch to the bathroom. I feel as if I’m 90 years old. (I’m assuming this us what 90 must feel like)
Wheelchair, Walkers and Canes! Oh my!!
The biggest misconceptions that I have encountered are sometimes the looks or comments that others share with me. Complete strangers, who assume I’m lazy, who comment snide remarks or outright ask if I’m on welfare or “working the system”. Um.. NO aaaand NO. Why is that even an assumption?!
“Well, you must be feeling better, huh? Because you’re on social media alot these days!” …
“Are you trying to get Disability Benefits?” …
Me: *tight lipped cringe*
(NO. I actually WANT to work) I do have some “ok” days. It doesn’t exert much energy to sit on a FaceBook app while laying on the couch. *Shocker*
Honestly, I swear to GAWD if I have to watch ONE MORE “cute cat video” I will lose my mind!
When all of this began, I actually had a very broken foot. I didn’t know I had broken it at the time, so 3 weeks later it had to be surgically re-broken. I had some extra hardware put in to hold everything together. (That should make airline check-ins so much more exciting) Little did I know that would soon be the least of my problems.
Most days, I want to lay on the couch and pull the blankets up over my head and stay there until I shrivel up like a grape in the sun. I could dry up completely like a leaf and blow away.
I am overcome by the thought that things may always be this way. I’ve tried every modality I can think of in pursuit of better health.
It continues to elude me.
I’m not throwing in the proverbial towel though! Not ever. Life is a gift. It’s cliche’ but true. I’ve learned to embrace and embark! Embrace my challenges and embark on my journey, no matter how thick the fog!
“If you shield the mountain from the wind storms, you never see the beauty of the carvings.”
I have always enjoyed that quote! It comes from ‘On Death and Dying’ penned by author, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
I try to remind myself that my thoughts very well may contribute to my physical health — whether for better or worse.
I believe time will reveal the answers I seek. It can be daunting to have to affirm these positive thoughts in lieu of feeling down in the dumps; but I have a family who loves and supports me. That can sometimes make all the difference.
To hell with thigh gaps and skinny jeans! (At least for now) *wink* I will fo us on my well-being overall, get back to work and then focus on my weight. In the meantime, I’ll continue to make healthy choices as I take one day at a time. I choose to allow this adversity to become my new adventure!
*update as of the end of October. I have been diagnosed with Lyme Disease. It explains many of my problems and I’m thankful for the Mayo Clinic doctors who have helped point me in the right direction.
*Photos by Author
