Crippled by Impostor Syndrome?

Why you think you can’t — and how to think you can

“Each time I write a book, every time I face that yellow pad, the challenge is so great. I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.” Maya Angelou

Nagging feelings of self-doubt, overwhelming stress when completing tasks, and fear of being exposed as a fraud are signs of impostor syndrome. Those of us with this condition either work too hard or avoid tasks to deal with our perceived inadequacies. We don’t feel smart enough, confident enough, talented enough, attractive enough, likable enough, or other variety of lack.

Many women and men from all walks of life face this type of crippling self-doubt. We hide impostor thoughts from other people because we fear feeling vulnerable, inferior, and rejected. Since we don’t talk about it, we think we are the only ones who experience it. Hiding prevents us from realizing we are not alone.

It’s time to understand that our limiting thoughts and beliefs about ourselves are just that — thoughts and beliefs. Not truths. Now is our opportunity to uproot the old programming and download new mental software. There is a better way.

To implement a change or solution, we must first start by understanding the problem.

What is impostor syndrome?

Impostor syndrome feels like we are faking it, pretending, not quite worthy. We sense that we are inauthentic — like we are wearing a mask to present ourselves in a certain way that is not our real self. We do this because we think no one would like the real us.

We seek approval and sometimes go to great lengths to please people — often losing ourselves along the way.

Our perception, not our performance, usually causes our negative emotions. Because we set impossible standards, we feel like we fall short.

When we believe we are undeserving of success or are unqualified for particular roles or tasks, even though we are likely overly qualified, we don’t feel worthy of our accomplishments or success. Our sense of inadequacy pushes us to strive for perfection or avoid tasks, both of which are unhealthy. We attribute success to luck, people liking us, or other flukes rather than having earned it. And when we experience failure or rejection, we deem it a personal fault or deficiency rather than a typical outcome that happens to all people.

Impostor syndrome is not to be confused with being new at something, though. It is normal to face uncertainty when we are inexperienced at a given task. It is normal to meet with challenges and failures along the way. Success typically comes slowly and incrementally. With effort and experience, most people become more comfortable, competent, and confident. Having realistic expectations in the process of fulfilling any task or goal demonstrates that we all start as apprentices rather than masters.

Impostor syndrome more accurately depicts an individual who has achieved a fair degree of knowledge, skills, or success and still feels like a fraud. It is caused by deeper issues that initiated in developmental years — probably established unconsciously. Once rooted, impostors operate with tunnel vision — selectively perceiving and interpreting experiences to conform to our deficient ideas about ourselves. Our narrow view prevents us from noticing and internalizing feelings of success.

Living life as an impostor can be difficult. Most of us, surprisingly enough, are highly functional. That’s because we are good at pretending everything is okay, probably because we are not sure what is wrong with us or what to do about it. We may not even recognize that it is slowly eroding our happiness.

We’re like hamsters on a running wheel, always chasing elusive goals like approval, perfection, and self-acceptance. But we keep chasing a destination that is out of our reach.

Impostor syndrome is always lurking in the back of our minds, undermining our self-worth and zapping our vitality. We think we are hiding our condition from others, but they can pick up on it through our subtle hints of fear, doubt, and discomfort. The way we carry and treat ourselves teaches others how to respond to us.

Since we’ve spent years habitually sabotaging ourselves, it may require concerted effort and time to get ourselves out of our limited mindset. Habits die hard, but change is possible and worthwhile. For those of us with more persistent cases, therapy is a beneficial option.

Let’s understand how we started down this road.

The roots of impostor syndrome

My explanation of this condition will be brief and practical. For more extensive information, look here and here.

Research suggests that impostor syndrome develops in our youth. It frequently forms as a result of the following types of childhood experiences: did not receive approval; was not validated; couldn’t trust significant people; didn’t receive adequate love, attention, positive feedback, or emotional support; and experienced poor communication within the family.

We learned — implicitly and explicitly — that we were not smart, attractive, talented, or worthy. Some of us were ridiculed for displaying interests in particular topics, activities, or ways of being. Some of us were told that we excelled at specific qualities or activities that we later learned were not true. We came to distrust those who offered us evaluations of our abilities.

Sakulku and Alexander suggest, “Without psychological support or family approval of the child’s accomplishments, the child may feel that his or her achievements are dismissed, unimpressive, or unimportant.”

Out of a sense of lack, rejection, and failure, we are always trying to prove ourselves to gain acceptance and respect. We struggle and work hard, but we never feel satisfied with how well we are doing. We may go to great lengths to establish our worthiness — advanced degrees, social status, financial success, acquisition of material items, and physical perfecting, among other benchmarks. Still, we believe we are falling short.

Parents may assertively push a child to succeed, get good grades, get into the right college, or be competitive in sports or a particular hobby. Or, parents might offer disparaging comments or labels, intended to motivate, thwart, or hurt the child. No matter what the child does, he or she feels like they will never measure up. When a parent is withholding love and approval, or if the child perceives that love and acceptance are highly conditional, maladaptive tendencies can take root in the child. And these can carry into adulthood.

Parents usually, although not always, mean well. But communication is an imperfect science, and misunderstandings occur. Even well-intentioned messages can be perceived and interpreted in a negative and life-defining way by a child.

I don’t mean to blame or create excuses for parents or children here. I’m only suggesting that impostor syndrome can develop for many reasons, most of which are unintentional. I’ve noticed that impostor syndrome can get passed down in families because our parents’ learned ways of being become our learned ways of being. If we are not careful, they can become the ways of our children.

While most of the research about impostor syndrome tends to focus on how families influence children, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the role that society and media play in shaping our belief about ourselves.

“In a competitive, achievement-oriented society, in which personal worth is often equated with how much one has accomplished, psychotherapists are frequently presented with clients who are unrealistically insecure about themselves in achievement situations and who need help in internalizing a sense of competency and a belief that they deserve the successes they have earned.” (Langford & Clance).

We struggle against unrealistic odds, imposed by ourselves, other people, and various media. We live in a superficial and success-driven society, which can be problematic for anyone. We compare ourselves to others and feel we don’t measure up. But we don’t realize that we are comparing ourselves to the presentation that other people put forward, which can be a lot different than the persons behind the display.

Regardless of how our impostor syndrome developed, it tends to manifest into two paths that are not mutually exclusive. We may overwork and push to be perfect to overcome our sense of inadequacy, we may avoid situations and procrastinate to evade our sense of inadequacy, or we may do both.

By gaining awareness of how this condition manifests in our lives, we can address how our specific patterns affect our lives.

The two ways Impostor Syndrome manifests in our lives

1) Overworking and perfectionist type

Those of us who are perfectionist impostors go to great lengths to prove ourselves and gain the support and respect of others. We achieve benchmarks to demonstrate our worth (status, financial success, education, appearance) and try to overcome perceived flaws. We work ourselves to exhaustion to show we are competent. Still, we struggle to believe in ourselves. If we are as good as other people, we wouldn’t have to work so hard — or so we think.

We feel torn to shreds over the smallest slight, then doubt any sort of compliment. Even after our best efforts, there is a little voice inside telling us to fear, that we will expose our incompetence, that someone will see through us. To some degree, we expect to fail. Then we can validate what we know inside — we’re not good enough.

We perceive rejection and failure as major character flaws rather than a normal part of life. This approach prevents us from finding value in setbacks.

Overcoming this type of impostor syndrome entails these realizations

· Perfection doesn’t exist. Instead, it is better to strive for “good enough.”

· Our health is essential. Overworking, especially for long periods, creates imbalance and instability in an already struggling mind, body, and spirit.

· Until we learn to internalize success, we will miss opportunities for contentment and peace.

· The way we treat ourselves teaches other people how to treat us. If we do not treat ourselves with care and respect, how can we expect others to care for and respect us?

· We must stop interpreting failures as character flaws and understand it as a normal part of life that everyone faces. We can use our disappointments to build resilience, grow our knowledge, and become better at our craft.

2) Avoider and procrastination type

Avoiders fear criticism and failure, so we procrastinate and dodge specific tasks that might benefit us. We think we are incompetent. We exaggerate effort and risk, then feel overwhelmed. In underestimating our capabilities, we sabotage ourselves by not reaching for a better job, a more significant challenge, and our greatest dreams. When we do succeed, we attribute it to things like luck or pity rather than our abilities.

Overcoming this type of impostor syndrome entails these realizations

· Avoiding and not completing tasks is sabotaging our success. We must release blame, guilt, and other limiting thoughts and beliefs about ourselves so that we can reach our full potential. We must be brave enough to take action and complete tasks promptly. Acknowledge and celebrate small gains as we prove to ourselves that we are doers rather than avoiders.

· Striving for a life that is beneath us might appear safe, but we are capable and deserving of more. We must integrate this belief into our ways of thinking and doing.

· Minimizing tasks in our minds and breaking then down into smaller doable chunks can help us complete them quickly and efficiently.

· When we face failure and criticism with an open mind, learning from it rather than hiding from it, we prosper rather than languish.

For an in-depth discussion of the overworking and avoider types of impostor syndrome, I highly recommend The Imposter Cure by Dr. Jessamy Hibberd.

Let’s take a closer look at some practical solutions for treating impostor syndrome.

Solutions for Impostor Syndrome

Since the central issue of impostor syndrome is not believing that we are competent and worthy, the solution is to establish methods that convince us of our competence and worthiness.

Here are some suggestions for starting us on our healing paths

1) List of competencies: Making a list of things that we do well provides us with evidence of our worth. Writing about our successes, great and small, serves as a testament of all we do well. Don’t discount our role or contribution. While this will not buffer all self-criticism, it can orient our brain to notice that we get a lot of things right.

Individuals with impostor syndrome tend to brush off the positive, attributing it to luck or other reasons, not letting the accomplishment sink in. We must internalize successes, knowing that we succeeded because we are competent. Review and add to this list frequently.

2) Journal (make the unconscious conscious): Through writing, we can discover the roots of our impostor syndrome and how it plays out in our daily life. By recalling the situations when we felt inadequate, starting with our youth, we may glean insights into the maladaptive lessons we learned. Writing about these experiences allows us to process them with awareness and compassion, something we may not have been able to do at the time they happened.

We can also journal about how impostor syndrome affects us now. Noticing what, when, why, how, for whom, and to what end we are engaging in impostor activities will help us understand our automatic habits. Do we have a predominant overworking/perfectionist style or avoidance/procrastination style? How do these play out in our lives? How could we adopt more realistic habits? By clarifying our desires and expectations, then acting accordingly, we can maintain a more balanced approach.

Throughout the day, pay attention to those people we are trying to please, why we seek approval, and how other people affect our sense of worth. Writing about these will provide a more-in-depth glance into our inner workings and desires.

3) Cultivate compassion for ourselves and others: By replacing self-critical thoughts with compassionate and empowering ones, we will rewire our faulty mental programming. Learning to talk to ourselves like a loving and supportive friend offers us the understanding and approval that we’ve always craved. We will realize that healing begins within and that we have the power to transform our thinking and our lives.

Be compassionate, if possible, to the people who taught us limited ideas. Those people, well- and ill-intentioned, were taught narrow and harmful beliefs about themselves from those who came before them. Such habits get passed along without awareness.

People are the way they are for all sorts of reasons, which have nothing to do with us. People who have been traumatized often traumatize others in their path.

Insight comes by noticing how damaging messages get perpetuated unknowingly. Peace comes from knowing that we have the power to stop the cycle. Such understandings become possible through compassion.

4) Empowering communication: In self-talk and conversations with others, vow not to minimize ourselves. Replace criticism with appreciation and encouragement. Accept recognition and compliments from other people warmheartedly.

Be authentic. Strive to articulate our ideas more often, without seeking approval. It is only by being our real selves with others that we can build our self-confidence and establish meaningful relationships.

When we make mistakes, admit to it and take appropriate steps to fix it. Everyone flubs things up on occasion. Don’t waste time on self-beratement. When we move quickly to correct errors, rather than think something is personally flawed with us, we communicate competence and emotional intelligence.

Failure can offer us valuable lessons if we let it. We can learn to rise after a fall, which builds resilience. It also teaches that we can manage our internal dialogue in a manner that builds rather than diminishes us.

5) Supportive community: Choosing relationships, jobs, or support groups that are encouraging and respectful will set us up for success. We desire a community that understands us — one that we do not have to pander to or wear a mask to gain support. We want to be liked for who we are and what we have to offer.

Since we have a choice, we can be selective about those in our inner circle. We want to surround ourselves with people we like so that we can have mutually beneficial relationships. Having a sturdy house requires that we have a solid foundation. We must be intentional in the life we build and what we include in it.

For those of us in roles that require creativity, impostor syndrome can be particularly challenging. Our work calls for us to be highly vulnerable, exposing our words and ideas to groups of people who may or may not be supportive. Criticisms and feedback, while useful, can shake our fragile interior. Finding sources of support can help us deal with the challenges we face.

For those of us who write, finding a supportive writing group can help boost us up. Sometimes the isolation of our craft makes us particularly prone to impostor syndrome. We spend a lot of time alone with our thoughts, fears, criticisms, and other monsters. Sometimes, it is good to have other people to share in our journey so that we feel affirmed along the way.

6) Learn to deal with criticism and rejection healthily. When faced with criticism, we shouldn’t automatically assume that what others tell us is accurate. More importantly, we shouldn’t interpret criticism as proof of any character flaw. Honestly evaluate the information and use what is helpful and let go of the rest.

Allowing feedback to help us rather than hurt us is a definite step toward recovery. Consider the comments of other people as expressions of care and concern for us. As we look at all of our experiences as opportunities for learning and growth, we can fortify our interior with resiliency and bravery.

Facing rejection and criticism is just a part of life. We are not alone. It can hurt, but it is something we all have to deal with from time to time. To expect never to face rejection is impractical. It is a challenging and highly competitive world. We will not always meet with the success we desire — even when we really deserve it. That’s life.

When we stop personalizing negative experiences, we can get up, brush the dust off, and get back on the horse again fearlessly. The good news is that opportunities are endless. There is always another job, relationship, creative endeavor, or adventure to explore. We just need to have the courage to pursue it and the belief that we are worthy.

7) Carry ourselves confidently. Stand up straight, shoulders back. Smile. Engage in eye contact. We will feel better, and people will respond to us like we are confident, which might even give us more confidence.

Compare this with how non-confident people carry themselves: hunched over, frowning, avoiding eye contact.

The way we use our bodies affects how we feel. If we do not intentionally direct our body posture and expressions in the manner we desire, we will operate out of habit — which will not help us appear or feel more confident.

For some great information and an inspiring pep talk about how to take on superpower strength through body posture, check out Amy Cuddy’s research and motivational Ted talk here.

8) Stop comparing ourselves to other people.

While it is useful to gain insights from successful people, it is NOT helpful to compare ourselves to other people. We are each on individually-created paths, with our unique strengths and limitations.

When we compare ourselves to other people, we can’t see the work, struggles, challenges, and advantages/disadvantages that they have faced. Therefore, we are comparing ourselves to the assumptions we have about them, which are seldom accurate.

Especially do not compare ourselves to anyone in the media. The picture-perfect images on various media selectively reveal highly polished representations geared to manipulate us, not tell the truth. Advertisers who point out our so-called flaws make us feel bad about ourselves so that we buy their products. Don’t buy into such lies!

In our fame and popularity-obsessed society, we hear conflicting messages about following our passion and getting more clicks and likes. If we are truly following our passion or interests, it doesn’t matter how many people like us. What matters is that we love ourselves, that we honor our journey, and that we find our lives meaningful. At the end of the day, and at the end of our lives, that’s what matters.

Final thoughts

As we struggle with impostor syndrome, remember that it is not our fault. There are many deep-seated reasons why we have developed it. A hearty dose of awareness, a clearly defined strategy, and perhaps a good therapist can help us sort through our feelings of inadequacy and teach us to thrive in all aspects of our life.

At the core of impostor syndrome is a deep desire to be authentic. We are tired of wearing a mask, faking, performing, and catering to other people for approval. We want to know that we are worthy, smart, and lovable, just the way we are. We want to be open and brave, but we fear criticism and rejection.

Instead of seeking approval, we must permit ourselves to be who we are, do what we want to do, and choose to love ourselves regardless of what others say and do. When we unabashedly allow ourselves to be who we are, releasing all pretenses, we can set forth on our real mission. The one that only we can choose and only we can walk.