avatarYong Kim

Summary

The provided text is an excerpt from a serialized coming-of-age novel titled "Cries and Laughters," detailing the tumultuous and emotionally charged experiences of a boy navigating life with an abusive stepmother and a disengaged father, while grappling with the complexities of family dynamics and personal identity.

Abstract

The narrative delves into the protagonist's diary entries, revealing his deep-seated resentment and hatred towards his stepmother, whom he perceives as manipulative and cruel. He reflects on the lack of genuine affection within his family, particularly from his father, and the preferential treatment given to his stepsister. The protagonist struggles with the expectations placed upon him, including the suggestion to refer to his stepmother as 'mother,' which he interprets as another form of manipulation. He fantasizes about escaping in a spaceship, symbolizing his desire for freedom and solitude away from his oppressive family life. The text also touches on the stepmother's decision to send his sister back to their home country, which he views as a punishment and a reflection of her inability to integrate into the family. Ultimately, the protagonist resolves to endure the situation, vowing to remain emotionally detached and focusing on his future independence.

Opinions

  • The protagonist harbors intense negative feelings towards his stepmother, considering her evil and devoid of any redeeming qualities.
  • He believes his stepmother's actions are intentional and part of a deliberate agenda to create conflict within the family.
  • The protagonist feels that his father is complicit in the stepmother's behavior due to his inability to say 'no' and his pretense of being a good Christian.
  • He perceives the family dynamics as a poisonous trap and does not consider his current living situation a true family.
  • The protagonist is critical of the expectations and roles imposed on him by his family, recognizing that these societal pressures govern his actions.
  • He is skeptical of his stepmother's motives for suggesting he call her 'mother,' suspecting it is a ploy to further her own agenda.
  • The protagonist's fantasy of a spaceship escape represents his longing for autonomy and an environment free from judgment and abuse.
  • He is aware of the stepmother's manipulative tactics, particularly in framing the decision to send his sister away as a choice rather than a punishment.
  • Despite the emotional turmoil, the protagonist decides to stay and adopt a strategy of non-confrontation, aiming to protect himself by becoming a 'harmless dunce' and focusing on his own future.
  • The protagonist intends to sever all ties with his family after achieving independence, anticipating that his stepmother may eventually feel some form of pity for him.

3.2

Cries and Laughters

“You treat her like a slave, you treat her like an enemy, and you don’t even have the decency to mask your contempt.”

art by Yong Kim on Instagram

Diary:

My stepmother is evil. At first, I thought she was merely jealous now that Father has to love us or at least pretend to. But that makes no sense. He doesn’t show love for me or my sister, only the kindness of a stranger who’s been given the responsibility over us, and even that’s rare. It’s obvious that he loves my stepsister over anyone else, not that I blame him. It’s just as well since I have no feelings for the man. At least I don’t feel obligated anymore.

The constant suspicions, the constant scrutinization of what I said, what I did — this can’t be mere jealousy. And the intentional misunderstandings. They have to be intentional because she can’t be that stupid. No, she’s intelligent, very intelligent, she must be doing it on purpose. I don’t know why except it’s absolutely evil. This woman truly deserves to go to hell. Not a very Christian attitude I realize, but I’m not very Christian these days. God forgive me, but I hate this woman. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I can’t think of one single redeeming quality about her.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe she has her reasons. Maybe if I understood them, I wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

“I think you should start calling her ‘mother.’ It would make things easier.”

Of course. Need to play our roles properly, don’t we? Never mind this is not a family, never mind this is a poisonous trap that will eat us alive, we have to keep up our pretensions.

You. Sitting quietly with that made-up face, hideous face, the face of a viper, no amount of make-up sufficient to conceal the ugliness or the poison. Was this your idea? Did you ask him to say that? Why didn’t you tell us yourself? Because it’d be too weird, too obviously ridiculous coming from your mouth? Because then you wouldn’t be able to hide your smugness?

To make things easier . . . for you or for me? If I call you ‘mother,’ will you stop your games? Will you start treating me as your own? No, this is just another part of your torture.

And why not? I’ve already given up my mother, my friends, and just about everyone I’ve ever known. But this isn’t enough for you of course. Who else should I give up? My sister? Myself?

You have an agenda, don’t you? It’s not a simple misunderstanding, it’s not just a tantrum, not just an illness. You know what you’re doing, you’re setting them up deliberately, playing these cruel games on purpose.

I’m sure Father didn’t want me. He must’ve agreed because Mother insisted, because of guilt, because of obligation. Stupid obligation, one that should’ve been left unfulfilled since he didn’t have the heart.

You’re furious at him for this. Furious because you can’t say ‘No,’ because you pretend to be a Christian. How will it look? How can a good Christian say ‘No’ to this?

So this is your revenge. You’re going to make it as difficult as possible because you had no choice in the matter. You’re going to punish us endlessly for making you put up with this.

I’m sorry this was forced on you. I’m sorry for intruding on your family. But it wasn’t my idea, I didn’t ask for this, I knew what was expected of me when Mother suggested it.

What was I supposed to do? Refuse? I wanted to come for my own reasons, but that’s irrelevant. I couldn’t decline and live with her disappointment all my life. Once asked there was only one possible answer. If you didn’t want us here, you should’ve stood your ground. A family is not a family unless all agree.

But I can’t really blame you, can I? I’m just as helpless. Expectations govern me, others’ thoughts and perceptions govern me, I can no more stand my ground than you can. Perhaps it’s time for change . . .

“I’m sorry.”

“Can’t you do a simple thing? How hard is it to catch a bus?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Next time you walk, don’t wake me up for it.”

“Yes, Mother.”

I won’t ask you for anything ever again . . .

A spaceship, wouldn’t it be nice?

Just a spaceship of my own and I’ll fly away. A room full of food and drinks, enough to last me a lifetime. But won’t they go bad? Have to invent something that’ll keep them fresh forever. And don’t forget chocolate milk, have to have plenty of chocolate milk.

A room for watching movies, just like the theaters. Take all the movies ever made so you won’t get bored. Might have to come back from time to time to get more. Can you watch TV in space? Then you won’t have to come back at all.

With no one to bother me, no one to tell me what to do . . . what more can you ask for?

Might be a bit lonely though . . . Still, a spaceship of my own, wouldn’t it be nice?

“We’re sending her back. She’d be better off this way; she’s having a hard time adjusting here. You can go with her if you like or you can stay.”

So I have a choice? How nice of you.

Did you give her a choice? Did you ask if she wanted to stay?

No, I know you didn’t. So she cried at school, girls are known to do that sometimes, even boys. So what?

Of course, she’s having a hard time. You treat her like a slave, you treat her like an enemy, and you don’t even have the decency to mask your contempt. Is it her fault she has no family here? Is it her fault she didn’t learn to hide her feelings like me?

You’re furious because the school counselor got suspicious. You’re furious because he dares to think you might be a bad parent. You’re furious because he’s right.

So you punish her by sending her back. Why back so soon? Couldn’t hack it in the new country, eh?

And you have the gall to make it sound like it’s her choice: “You’re having a hard time here, aren’t you? Wouldn’t it be better if you went back?”

What’s she going to say? “No, I’m having a hard time because you’re such a bitch. It would be better if you fuck off”? No, she doesn’t dare say anything, and you take that as an agreement.

You disgust me.

You may have fooled Father. You may have fooled your own daughter. But you haven’t fooled me, I know what you are.

“I’ll stay.”

This is the last place I want to be, but I’ll stay. You can throw your tantrums, and have your fits. You can make me out to be a troublemaker, but I won’t fall for it, I won’t supply the fuel for your fire.

I’ll be a harmless dunce. I’ll have to get good grades because my future may depend on it, but it’ll be because I work so hard, so hard that even this moron can do well at school.

I won’t steal Father’s affections. I won’t steal the spotlight from your precious daughter. I don’t want anything from this family, she can have it all.

I just want a place to stay until I graduate, until I go to college. Then you’ll never have to see me again.

I won’t call. I won’t write. I won’t even say where I’ve moved so you won’t have to pretend you care.

I’ll be the deserter. I’ll be the bad guy. The bad son that breaks off contact with his family completely.

You can be the good stepmother, caring so much for her stepson, yet unable to visit him because he disappeared. I’m sure you’re up for the role.

Maybe you’ll come to pity me one day. Nice kid, not so bright, but he tries so hard . . . Hope he achieves at least some sort of mediocrity . . .

I will not share my troubles with you. I will not share my achievements with you. I will not share my true feelings with you. I will not share my true thoughts with you.

You will never know me.

A serialized coming-of-age novel about a boy who must decide whether to live or die after surviving an abusive family and the death of his love. Read in order: 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1. Next: 4.1

Fiction
Prose
Scrittura
Relationships
Love
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarJim Dutton
Spanish Rose

Neither good nor evil can last forever

2 min read
avatarAmaka Anicho
When your dreams die (but you don’t)

The grief nobody talks about

5 min read
avatarAni Eldritch
The Unwritten Silences

A poem

3 min read
avatarAurora Moon McKnight
The Kitty of the Lake

Purrzalot the Black — of destinies and purpose…

11 min read
avatarEvelyn Jean Pine
After the Eclipse

a poem for going & coming

2 min read
avatarPallavi Kohli 🍄
I Wish To Be

A poem : In pursuit of Wisdom

2 min read