Could You Possibly Be Hurting Your Relationship?

Most people don’t even realize that they’re doing it.

You can get hurt only if you allow it — Devika Fernando

This quote is fantastic when you are dealing with people that are not important to your life. It’s almost ten times more difficult when the ones involved are your loved ones.

I consider myself an easy-going guy and I take things openly than most people. Yet sometimes I can still get hurt by certain words and gestures coming from the person I care about even if he/she didn’t really mean it.

The disappointment comes from my expectation of how certain people should play their role in my life. As much as I want to be neutral to everything in my life with no expectations, it’s easier said than done.

I figured if I can get hurt from something like this, chances are that my partner might feel the same if I did something similar as well.

Rather than saying “it’s his/her problem if he/she got hurt”, I’m trying to do my part so that I don’t step on landmines too often. After all, he/she is important to me.

So here are some ways that we might subconsciously be doing that could hurt our relationship.

#1 Taking Things For Granted

This is a reminder to both myself and you reading this.

There will always be room for more gratitude in any relationship. We humans just get used to things too quickly. We might be thankful when someone does us a favor for the first time. As time goes by, we simply just assumed that it’s common for people to do us favors.

It could be something as simple as making a cup of tea. We forgot that others have a life too. They stopped whatever they were doing, walked all the way to the kitchen, and served tea to you. Which you could have done on your own.

I’m using this simple tea analogy because daily activities are the easiest to take for granted. It could be the chores, cooking dinner, or even just spending time together.

All these “trivial” activities require effort and that “someone” is willing to do them on your behalf. They could have spent their time resting and not give a shit about your stuff, but they didn’t.

Give credit to them, take them for a nice afternoon tea, spend time with them, tell them how much you appreciate their effort. You’ll be a better person.

#2 Belittling Others

Belittling others is never acceptable. Not even in a relationship. In fact, I’d even call it domestic emotional abuse to put it into perspective.

Here are some reasons that I believe why people belittle others;

• Learned from parents;
• Plain old narcissistic;
• They are insecure deep down so they need to stay ahead of others;

People say stuff like the following without realizing the context they are putting others in:

• You’re stupid and I’m just stating the truth (aka I can say whatever I want because I’m smarter than you);
• Why can’t you do something so simple (aka I can do better than you);
• I never should have asked you to do something (aka again I can do better);

There’s no problem when one party is more competent than the other in certain things. The problem is when you scorn others when they are not performing “as good as you”.

The worst is when you don’t even realize that you’re doing it. If the other party has been taking it silently all this time, it’s reasonable to expect someday they might just leave you for good since you’re so full of yourself.

#3 Expecting Your Partner To Read Your Mind

I have a Psychology degree. I study about minds but I can’t read minds. Not even a person with five Ph.D. can read your bloody mind so stop expecting people to understand what you want without proper communication.

When you’re with someone for some time, they can at best, “predict” what we want but they can never know for sure. Our mouths exist not only to eat but to articulate our expectations as well.

What people don’t realize is that communication is two-way. You can’t control what others are interpreting but you can always change the way you’re articulating about something.

Sometimes, your partner might be tired or there’s something that’s on his/her mind that’s troubling him/her. Instead of condemning him/her for not knowing what you want, maybe try asking what’s on his/her mind for a change.

Communication is a lifelong activity and the time you spent together will definitely help with understanding each other's expectations better. But you never “graduate” from communication, you can only make it easier.

If you’re having the thought of “he/she should know what I want since we’ve been together for so long”, please refer to point #1 Taking Things For Granted.

#4 Comparing Your Partner To Others

Comparison is the thief of joy, — President Theodore Roosevelt

There are two ways to compare to others: upward and downward.

Upward meaning you’re comparing yourself with someone “better than you”. Downward is comparing with someone “less fortunate than you”. Most people fall into the trap of upward comparison and we can thank social media for that.

Say you receive a beautiful flower bouquet on Valentine's day. You know what’s the best way to make yourself feel miserable? Go on your social media feed. I can guarantee there will always be someone having a bigger and more expensive gift than you.

After this, you feel you deserve more and if others can do it, so can your partner. You start questioning your partner for the “lack of effort” he/she put into your gift, and boom — you have successfully created tension in the relationship on a supposedly joyous occasion.

Here’s the thing, you’re occupied with complaining about how you deserve something better when you could have received nothing if your partner chose to.

Comparison roots from ingratitude. If you’re happy with what you have, you will never compare your partner with others.

You are essentially making your partner feel insignificant and worthless (sorry for the strong language) when you are comparing.

You wouldn’t like your partner to do this to you, so don’t do this to him/her.

In Summary

If you truly value your partner, try your best to avoid these relationship pitfalls:

1. Taking Things For Granted
2. Belittling Others
3. Expecting Your Partner To Read Your Mind
4. Comparing Your Partner To Others

At the end of the day, he/she’s the person you will spend most of your time with, if not for the rest of your life.

We might not be able to change how others treat us but we can always make ourselves better to influence changes in others.