Could I be suffering from Survivor’s Guilt?

Summary

The author is grappling with complex emotions related to survivor's guilt and the struggle to move on from traumatic familial relationships, despite recognizing the necessity of distancing themselves for their own well-being.

Abstract

The website content reflects a deeply personal struggle with survivor's guilt, as the author ponders the difficulty of feeling 'normal' or 'over' the pain of past relationships, particularly with family. The author acknowledges the unique pain of distancing from family compared to other relationships, and while they recognize their decision to walk away as the right choice for their personal health, they still feel burdened by guilt and a sense of responsibility towards their family members. The author expresses exhaustion from the constant battle with these feelings, questioning when or if it will ever become easier, and reflects on a lifetime of feeling guilty, scared, and worthless. Despite their efforts to have compassion for their family and themselves, the author is weary from the emotional toll and questions whether there is something inherently wrong or right with their desire to constantly seek improvement and harmony in their relationships.

Opinions

The author believes that while other relationships can become part of the past, family relationships maintain a lingering presence due to their formative impact.
There is a sense of conflict between the author's understanding that their family may not be safe or healthy to be around and the intrinsic bond they share as family.
The author feels that their strength in setting necessary boundaries comes at the cost of relationships they believe they should not desire.
They express a longing to release themselves from the cycle of guilt and the pressure to always make things better for others.
The author recognizes their own pattern of taking on the pain and experiences of others, which may be a manifestation of survivor's guilt or a form of the Hero syndrome.
There is a moment of self-reflection where the author apologizes for their emotional expression, suggesting a societal influence that labels vulnerability as weakness.
The author is questioning the sustainability of constantly striving for self-compassion and is seeking a respite from the emotional exhaustion.

Struggles of Post Psychological/Emotional Traumatic Relationship Hardships…

Even after all the work I have done, I cannot help but wonder if I will ever feel ‘normal,’ ‘okay,’ or stop second guessing… will there ever be an ‘over’?

I do not mean to diminish anyone else’s pain and suffering, but the tragedy of having to walk away from family is a lot different than having to walk away from a friend, colleague, or partner — I actually know those from experience too.

They all have varying degrees of damage, but I just feel like over time and with hard work most other relationships do become part of our past. Not saying they cannot still haunt us or the memories do not still pop up, but I feel like one can definitely know that s/he did ‘the right thing’ for him/herself.

How can I be so sure with family? Am I still in denial? Is it survivors guilt — after-all, I ‘got out’ and they haven’t? How can I hold them so accountable when they have suffered too? These people shaped who I am, at least partly — they are a part of me and who I am, they are a part of my DNA, my ancestry, my heritage…

Even though I truly do not believe they are safe, healthy, or even people I would choose to be around, they are still family — WTF does that even mean or really matter? IDK. All I know is I am so tired of having these moments where I feel like I could just pancake on the floor and be a sobbing cripled mess.

When does it get easier? Does ‘easier’ even exist?

I am tired of moments or days like this. I am tired of pretending I am okay. I am tired of not pretending I am not okay. I am tired of trying to make sense of things. I am tired of a great many things, but perhaps most of all, I am truly tired of feeling guilty. I have lived my entire life feeling guilty, sorry, scared, worrisome, fearful, alone, worthless, wrong, unacceptable, and so many things. I am tired of feeling guilty while being in those many relationships, and I am so tired of feeling guilty for having the strength to set boundaries that cost me relationships I shouldn’t even want. I am so tired of it all.

I am sorry for their pain, confusion, experiences, etc. and I am sorry for those who haven’t escaped, but why do I take that on? Why can I not just have compassion for them and move on, is it survivors guilt? Is it the Hero syndrome? I just want to make things better, all the time and for nearly everyone (if not actually everyone). Is there something terribly wrong with me, or terribly right?

Sorry for the rant. Having a moment of ‘weakness’ — which really isn’t weakness, it’s just a saying but it has such connotation… Anyway, that is another topic.

Your idealistic HolisticNerd struggling at the moment… it might pass, but part of it never really does it just fluctuates in intensity…

Good luck with your day and journey, I might distract myself or I might not be able to and perhaps shouldn’t but is it ‘bad’ to say that I am also tired of trying to sit with and/or hold myself with compassion…??? I am just so damn tired — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —