Coping With This “Blah” Feeling Between Depression and Flourishing
Don’t mind me, I’m just languishing
“It wasn’t burnout — we still had energy. It wasn’t depression — we didn’t feel hopeless. We just felt somewhat joyless and aimless. It turns out there’s a name for that: languishing.”
— Adam Grant
After friends from three different social groups sent me this The New York Times article about languishing by Adam Grant, I knew I had to write about it.
The moment I learned the word “languishing”, it was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head.
“Aha! That’s what I’ve been feeling!”
I now finally have a word for the “blah” feeling that’s been lingering!
At some point in the past 14 months of pandemic life, this “languishing” feeling moved in and made itself at home. Like an unwanted house guest that I can’t quite get rid of, it’s apparently here to stay.
So I might as well learn to get along with it.
Defining Languishing
Corey Keyes, the sociologist who first coined the term, diagnoses it as “the antithesis of flourishing”. Flourishing being the state of well-being and positive psychological functioning.
Adam Grant, the author of this New York Times article, further elaborates on this feeling by describing it as “a sense of stagnation and emptiness … as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield”.
In short, languishing is “the absence of well-being”. Or succinctly put, feeling “blah”.
When I look around, I recognize it in my life, my friends, and my family. It’s an emotion that appears to have blanketed society.
Identifying Languishing
Now that I’ve added this word into my vocabulary, I’m noticing it everywhere.
It’s there when someone asks, “How are you?” as a greeting — not a genuine inquiry — and I automatically reply, “Fine” in a monotonous tone that doesn’t really mean I’m fine.
On the more honest days, maybe I’ll answer, “Meh” but instead of exploring that feeling more thoroughly, it’s easier for us both to just move on and get to the business at hand.
It would be nice if we took the time to more genuinely ask each other, “How are you really?”
It’s there when I know I should go outside for a run — let the fresh air and exercise give me an energy boost — but I don’t have the willpower to get up and do it.
It doesn’t matter how many self-help books or self-improvement personal stories I read — it’s not enough to motivate me to get off my butt. Because it ironically requires energy to feel more energetic.
It’s there when I realize a full eight hours of my workday has gone by and I have nothing to show for it.
No item checked off my to-do list, minimal progress on my projects, and no close-out of my outstanding actions. But I swear I didn’t mean to slack off!
Embracing Languishing
You know that feeling when you’re tired so you stay curled up in bed to sleep more, but the more you sleep, the more tired you feel?
When I feel that way, I embrace it.
I let myself sleep in and I’ll stay in bed for as long as my bladder and my dog allow me to. On the days I’m feeling really privileged, I’ll even try convincing my husband to bring me lunch in bed — because I’ve already slept through breakfast.
I know the best way to kick this feeling is to get up and actually do something. Exercise. Socialize. Complete a chore so I feel a small sense of accomplishment.
I intellectually understand how to overcome this feeling but — guilty confession — I don’t want to.
I figure that if my body is feeling this way and I’m supposed to listen to my body’s needs, then maybe I ought to self-indulge in this sense of weariness.
Call it a languishing pity party for one.
You don’t always have to be peppy and upbeat. It’s okay to have some down moments and it’s important to give your body and soul some time to just be “blah”.
Overcoming Languishing
Telling someone to stop languishing is about as effective as telling someone to stop being depressed.
It’s not a switch that can be flicked on or off. And it’s definitely not something you can ask your Google Home or Alexa device to turn on (or off) for you.
While we can find ways and perhaps even the energy to temporarily overcome languishing, we’re really talking about learning to cope with languishing in our daily lives.
Grant offers a few suggestions as an antidote to languishing:
- Carving out uninterrupted time for ourselves to increase productivity
- Focusing on small goals and challenges that provide you with a sense of triumph
- Overcoming a just-manageable difficulty to strengthen your resolve
- Finding new experiences that bring you enjoyment
- Achieving meaningful work that helps you find your enthusiasm again
All of which to help you achieve something called “flow” —
“…that elusive state of absorption in a meaningful challenge or a momentary bond, where your sense of time, place, and self melts away.”
I really like this concept of flow.
Just like how I knew the feeling of languishing but didn’t have a word for it, I also knew the feeling of flow — I just didn’t know the terminology for it. But I recognize it as the moments when my head feels clear again, at least temporarily, and it’s like a breath of crisp, fresh air for my mind.
Personalizing Languishing
There’s nothing wrong with Grant’s advice to achieve flow. After all, he is an organizational psychologist at Wharton, a TED speaker, and an author! And I’m … not those things.
But for me personally, the advice falls into the same department as exercising and flossing — things I know I should do but don’t always get to. Sometimes I just can’t find the willpower to do it.
So instead of trying to kick things up a notch when it’s the last thing I want to do, I’ve actually taken the opposite approach. I’ve embraced slowing things down first— like a warm-up session to prepare myself before I even begin searching for my state of flow.
I start by reflecting on the things in my current reality that bring me moments of joy and happiness. “Current reality” being two important keywords here.
Then I focus on adding more of whatever brings me happiness. It also helps me remember to enjoy the little things in life.
I know my dog brings me happiness. She normally spends her days lounging on her bed or snoozing in the backyard. I’ve since lured her into sleeping at my feet while I work so I can regularly reach down and pet her when I need a pick-me-up.
I’ve also carved out time in my evenings to indulge in some self-pampering. I’ll run a bath with Epsom salts and essential oils. Sometimes I’ll even light a candle or enjoy a glass of wine with my bath.
These things help me find the energy I need to even attempt overcoming my feelings of languishing.
I don’t know when this pandemic is going to be over or how much longer I’ll be living in the shadows of languishing. At least now I can be a bit more eloquent about describing this “blah” feeling I’ve been experiencing.
On the days when I have the energy to do so, I’m armed with a few tips and tricks to overcome it. And on the days when I don’t have the energy to do so, I’ll tell myself it’s okay.
When I recognize languishing in those around me, I’m going to genuinely ask, “How are you really?”
Wouldn’t it be nice to know that there’s another human being out there who cares enough to notice that things aren’t quite right? That someone, in the midst of trying to juggle whatever the new normal is for them, is taking the time to check in on you?
And lastly, I’m going to remember that a bit of extra kindness never hurts.