It Changed My Life
Coping With the Trauma of Domestic Violence
Once we have gotten out of a violent relationship, the healing can begin.
Trigger Warning: Contains descriptions of childhood trauma & Domestic Violence.
In my eyes you can see the sadness.
I looked like I had it all together, but inside I was sad and broken.
After a lifetime of alternating between trying to be perfect enough to get people to love me, and rebelling against their impossible expectations, I felt hollow inside.
I learned to smile through the pain, and pretend my feelings were unimportant, that all that mattered was what I accomplished.
By the time I was 25, I had a daughter, husband, college degree, and my own business. On the face of things, I was succeeding at life, but it was all a mask.
Mental Health as a Mom
As moms, we always strive to put our children first. That is what I did when I got pregnant with my daughter Atlantis when I was 19 years old. I pulled my life together, and went to college so that I could get a good job to support my daughter.
On the weekends, I made sure to always have some kind of fun activity planned for her, so that she would enjoy all of the best in life. I put her in gymnastics and swimming lessons as a toddler, I took her to the library, and taught her how to write letters on her etch-a-sketch.
When I cried about all the things going wrong in my life, I did it alone at night, after she had gone to bed.
All my daughter’s physical needs were met. I gave her enrichment opportunities. I made sure she had time to play with her friends. I took her on vacations that were kid-centered.
Unfortunately, I didn’t always focus on her as much as I should have, because I was also trying to parent her dad, who was always emotionally needy, and financially demanding. I tried to make him happy, and give him the life that he dreamed of, wishing that he would love me and fill in my empty holes. But for whatever reason, he couldn’t do that.
Sometimes we feel heartbroken.
When Things Break
After 6 years of marriage, my husband hit me for the first time. It was an outward manifestation of all of the psychological and financial abuse I had endured up to that time.
With two black eyes, I went to the hospital because I was having a panic attack. The doctor gave me a Xanax and sent me home. It wasn’t enough.
I didn’t have support from family or friends to leave. Everyone liked my husband more than they liked me, because they only saw his charismatic side. They all told me I should stay, and faulted my mental illness — I had coped with depression as a teen — as the cause of the problems.
Domestic violence is often isolating, because victim-blaming is easier than helping someone suffering.
There were many times that I reached out for help, but all my attempts were met with the suggestion that I should get counseling.
Sometimes we have to leave toxic people behind.
Getting Free
After 3 years of enduring abuse, I started to fall apart. I started drinking more. I was angry and sad, and grasping at straws.
Finally, the 8th time I left my ex, I found someone to stay with who would help me. A close girlfriend let me stay with her, and she did the one thing that finally let me get free.
She took my phone.
When my husband couldn’t call and alternately harass and guilt-trip me to come back, I finally had space inside my head to separate myself from him. It’s not only physical separation from a whirlwind of a relationship like that which is needed, it is mental separation as well.
Whenever I had left in the past, my husband would blow up my phone so much that I never had a chance to call anyone else for help. He put himself constantly in the forefront of my thoughts, because I couldn’t get away from his calls.
A few days of quiet, peace, and friendship helped me find the strength to leave for good.
You can’t get well in the same environment that you got sick.
Conclusion
Many women who have PTSD as a result of domestic violence never break the cycle. This is because we often don’t realize the beliefs about ourselves that cause us to get into those relationships in the first place.
Trauma can often be generational, because when we are in a place of trauma, we don’t parent our children the best that we could.
Healing is difficult. We have to work to rewire our brains, and to create new healthier thoughts and behaviors to replace the self-destructive patterns that we learned in childhood. This is difficult because when we see violence and invalidation as children, we think these are the normal ways that people behave.
We don’t look for a better life, or for better relationships, because we don’t know that they exist.
Beginning to Get Well
Breaking the cycle and getting well can begin when you leave the abuse behind and begin to heal yourself. It is important to get support and therapy.
If you have just left, or are leaving, an abusive relationship you can get help from a local women’s shelter. If you look up the information on your home computer and you are still in danger, be sure to use an incognito browser, so that your abuser can’t track your browsing history.
If you need support to leave a domestic violence situation, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service 800–799–7233
Women’s shelters will help you with not only a place to stay, but with finding therapy as well. Having a counselor or psychiatrist can help you learn new coping skills and look at yourself in a new way.
Once you realize that the abuse was never your fault, you can begin a new and better life.
Please know, help is out there! You don’t have to be alone, or suffer in silence!
If you, or anyone else you know, is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255. There is someone available for you 24/7.
For more information on what I do for my mental health, check out these related blog posts:
Be Kind to Yourself (millenialmom.net)
Re-Thinking Selfcare (millenialmom.net)
Setting Boundaries and Standing Up to Bullies (millenialmom.net)
For more on my story, check out the PTSD My Story Project!
If you have PTSD and Panic Attacks like I do, I have written an ebook to help in coping with panic attacks. It is now available in the shop.
If this post resonated with you, I would love to hear from you in the comments, and feel free to share on your socials as well.
