How to cope when they can’t come home again

Overcoming the death of a pet is never easy. Learn how to live with the grief and find your way back to happiness again.

by: E.B. Johnson

The loss of a pet is a heartbreaking experience that can leave us broken at our core. The emotions and experiences with share with our pets are one-of-a-kind and they are also complex — rooted deeply in the fabric of our lives and, indeed, our very souls.

Losing a pet can be traumatic, yet it’s still not widely acknowledged by our society as such a powerfully destructive force. Overcoming the grief you feel over the loss of a pet is possible, but it takes time and it takes a lot of understanding. The love we have for our pets is a lasting one that makes our lives richer for having experienced it. Discover how to keep hold of that magic (and that memory) even after your best friend has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Why losing our pets is so devastating.

The passing of our beloved companions is akin to the loss of friend or family member. When we lose our pets, we lose a little piece of ourselves and we lose a deep and true friend that is hard to replace. Losing our pets is devastating on a number of levels, but these are the main reasons the grief of a pet-passed is a grief that takes a while to overcome.

A loss of unconditional love.

These days, finding unconditional love can feel more like an epic quest than anything else. We live in an age where the superficial reins supreme, and that can make it hard to find people who will love us with the same kind of living commitment that a cat, dog or companion animal will.

Pets provide us with unconditional love and emotional responses that are uninhibited by societal expectations or a sense of needing to be “even”. They don’t care how their concern appears to others and they certainly don’t expect anything (substantial) in return. Our pets are all-accepting, even in our worst moments, and that kind of loyalty is nearly impossible to replace in this day and age.

A loss of a ride-or-die companion.

We live in digital times and that can lead to many of us feeling isolated or alone. To many of us, our pets act as our main social companions and that loss is a devastating one to stomach. When you don’t have close contacts, the loss of a companion animal can lead to depression, anxiety and even debilitating physical illness. Our animals act as ride-or-die companions when we’re alone and isolated from meaningful relationships. That’s what makes their passing so hard, and that’s one of the reasons we feel this grief so keenly.

A loss of routine.

Though we don’t always think about it in the first throes of our grief, the loss of a pet also means the loss of critical routines that filled our days and provided comfort. Death means an end to feeding time, walking routines or even trips away at the weekend. It’s a goodbye to a certain lifestyle and it can also be a goodbye to the physical activities that once kept you plugged in and engaged.

It takes time and patience to recover from the loss of a pet, and it takes trying to maintain these routines as closely as possible. Those with surviving pets have an easier time sticking to the routines that can steer them through their grief, but solo pet owners do not.

A loss of responsibility.

Humans are strange creatures. When it comes to the big things, many of us avoid responsibility as long as we can. But the responsibility that comes with owning a pet is special and one that is healthy for us in many regards. Owning a pet is much like being a parent. You’re responsible for another life and you’re responsible for moulding it. When that’s gone, it can leave you feeling empty; and it can leave you free-falling and feeling lost.

Why our pets should be grieved.

When you lose your pet, the pain you experience is emotionally devastating. Even though this experience is a traumatic one, however, society rarely recognizes it as a genuine loss that should be mourned as such. Losing your fur-friend can impact and impair our physical and emotional health, and the acute grief symptoms we suffer from it can last up to a year.

The grief experienced by loss of a pet is real is it’s been evidenced in countless studies and anecdotes — like one shared in The New England Journal of Medicine in 2017. According to the journal, a woman experienced “broken heart syndrome” after the sudden and unexpected passing of her dog. The grief the woman experienced was so strong that she reported symptoms that mimicked a heart attack, with hormone levels that were elevated at more than 30 times the normal rate.

The death of a pet leaves voids in our lives that are hard (if not impossible) to fill. Losing your dog, or cat, or even reptile pal can lead to a change in routines that causes ripple effects that trickle through your life in a kind of toxic callback, leading you down the rabbit hole of negative coping mechanisms that can leave you isolated and more hopeless and heartbroken than ever before.

The 7 best ways to cope with the loss of a pet.

There are many different ways to mourn the loss of your pet, but it’s important to focus on the healthy coping mechanisms that can help us to truly heal. We live in busy times with a million things to do, but taking time to address our grief is absolutely critical in order for us to find our happiness again. Let yourself grieve and take the time you need to heal with these 7 techniques.

1. Embrace the grief and let yourself feel it.

Though our society is not one with the social mechanisms to help us overcome the death of a pet, we can create those mechanisms ourselves by first opening ourselves up to our grief and allowing ourselves to feel it.

Grief and mourning are intense — and often uncomfortable — emotions to feel. They point to important lessons, however, as well as important memories that are critical to hold onto. In order to access those lessons and move past our pain, we have to embrace it for what it is. That means feeling your feelings as they come and not shying away from the worst of the pain when it rears its ugly head.

Set aside time each day to grieve in your own way and release your emotions in a manner that best suits you and your lifestyle. We need time to process our new circumstances and the emotions that make us feel off-kilter. Give yourself the time you need to feel and let the emotions that are blooming release at regular intervals. Grief is a day-by-day journey that can’t take place unless we open ourselves up to the pain that needs to be resolved.

2. Seek the support you need.

Everyone experiences grief in their own way, but the power of reaching out for support cannot be denied. It’s important to recognize when you need support and it’s important to reach out for it. This help could be as simple as a phone call, or a walk and a chat over coffee. Don’t be afraid to share the depth of your grief with someone you can trust.

If the societal pressure is making you feel “silly” for reaching out to a friend or loved one, you can seek the help of a caring professional or reach out to one of the great social media groups like Max’s Healing Hearts Community. Grief is a process and it sometimes takes help to work through the pain and anxieties that come with losing your best friend. Find a safe place to express your grief, and share it with someone who can help you find your happiness again.

3. Reflect on and appreciate the time you had with your pet.

When we’re in pain, we often avoid the memories and reflections associated with that pain in order to save ourselves from experiencing greater discomfort. While this avoidance tactic might work for a little while, it won’t work forever. If you really want to find the bottom of your grief, you have to actively reflect and you have to learn how to appreciate the time you had with your pet — even if it hurts.

Active reflection is hard, but it can bring us comfort when we find an efficient way to express our feelings and suffering. You can reflect through writing, story-telling or even painting. It doesn’t matter how you look back, it’s just important that you do so in a way that allows you to find comfort.

Start with a simple memory journey and reflect on the life that you shared with you cat, dog or other companion pet. Rather than zeroing in immediately on the pain you feel at recalling the memory, try to focus instead on the positive feelings you felt in that moment. Doing this allows our bodies to reappraise our pain and replace it with an emotion that can help us center ourselves around gratitude, and a thankfulness for the experiences we did get to share with our beloved pet.

4. Take some time for self-care.

In our first, immediate phase of grief, we often stop taking care of ourselves; going instead on a strange autopilot that can flush us down some negative coping loops before we know it. That’s why it’s important to remember to take care of yourself after the loss of your pet.

You have to remember to eat and exercise and do all the things you need to do to give you body (and your mind) the best chance of fighting the pain. Do the best you can — and don’t expect the world from yourself. Grieving is hard work and it can really take it out of our bodies.

Make yourself simple, nutritious food that is easy for your body to process and try to maintain a sleep schedule that’s as close to normal as possible. Focusing on a calming practice like meditation can be helpful too, but it’s really up to you. Just make sure your body gets the attention it needs in the aftermath of your loss.

5. Memorialize your memories.

Losing a pet is a strange thing in that, often, we don’t get to say “goodbye” before they leave us. This lack of closure is a hard cross to bear and can leave us feeling as though there’s a hole in our hearts. That’s why memorializing the memories you shared with your pet are an important part of the grieving process, and one that should not be overlooked.

Marking the passing of a pet is a good way to get some type of closure when it comes to the end of the road. This memorialization can be as simple as writing a letter, or be as complex as a full-on memorial service. You can also make creative shadow boxes or make an imprint of your pet’s paw as a way to remember them once they’ve crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

At first, these things might be hard to process or look at, but over time you’ll come to be grateful for the memories. Spend some time in your pet’s favorite space and try and get a sense of what you need to keep them close to your heart in the days and years to come. There is no wrong way to remember your beloved companion. Take your time, search your memories. Do what feels right, when it feels right.

6. Maintain your routines.

If you have surviving pets, it’s important to maintain the schedules that you all became familiar with when your lost pet was still a part of the pack. Animals thrive on routine (ourselves included) so when we’re experiencing a loss, the best thing we can do is often stay strong and stay on course as close as possible.

Your surviving dogs may show signs of grief and look for their lost pack member. If you’re a cat owner, you might notice that your remaining cats hide or turn away from their food. Maintaining routines can help calm the upset and return a sense of structure to your rattled household. Familiarity is good in times of loss and nothing is more familiar than a good, old fashioned routine.

7. Find a calming practice that helps you master your emotions.

Unfortunately, the outside world doesn’t slow down when we lose our beloved companion animals. It can be frustrating that the people around you are so dismissive of your grieving, so it’s important to find a way to calm your mind and your emotions as life whirls on — despite your pain. Look for practices like active breathing, journalling, meditation or mindful eating. Find things that help you refocus your mind and try to channel your darker energies into something productive for you and / or your surviving pets.

BONUS: Tips for helping your friends cope with the death of a pet.

Even if you’ve never dealt with the loss of a beloved fur-friend, chances are you’ll have to help a friend or family member through the grief at some point in your life. Learn how to spot the signs of grief, and know how and when to reach out to someone. You could really make the difference in the life of someone who is suffering through a painful time, but you have to understand the situation and you have to understand what works and doesn’t work.

Send a sympathy card.

Believe it or not, the loss of a pet is just as devastatingly painful as losing a human loved one. For this reason, delicate or tasteful sympathy cards can be a great way to reach out to your friend and let them know that you’re thinking of them. Be supportive and be thoughtful. Let them know that they’re feelings are valid and that you’re there to listen if they need you.

Avoid an inappropriate response.

Reacting inappropriately to someone’s grief is a sure-fire way to not only drive a wedge into your relationship, it’s also a way to compound the horrendous emotions they’re already feeling. If you find that you can’t sympathize with their emotions, steer clear of them altogether. Let them work through their pain on their own and don’t burden them with your condescending perspectives or your take on why they should “move on”. Sometimes, no response is better than a bad one. Let people grieve and let them feel what they need to feel when they need to feel it.

Send a caring email.

If cards aren’t your style, but you still want to reach out, sending a caring email can be one method of reaching out to someone who is grieving the loss of a pet. Express yourself compassionately just as you would in a card, and let the other party know that you’re thinking of them and the heavy way they must be feeling. When you’re grieving, just knowing someone out there sees you can be enough. Let them know you see their pain and validate their grief and loss.

Offer a distraction.

Sometimes, the thing that helps us through our grief the most is a happy distraction. If you see a friend or family member getting down after the death of their beloved pet, reach out to them and offer a happy distraction through lunch, dinner or just a fun afternoon getting out and away from all the sad and depressing memories.

Putting it all together…

The love that we share with our pets is a deep one, and one that is not easily overcome after the passing of our beloved fur friend. Our pets aren’t “just a dog” or “just a cat”. They are a response and engaged member of our family, and they form a core part of who we are. You can overcome the death of a pet by giving yourself the space you need to feel your pain and resolve it through careful contemplation and active reflection. Calming practices and daily routines are also another great way to work through your grief, but you have to embrace your pain and the way you’re feeling with radical self-acceptance.

Losing our pets is an overwhelming experience that is hard to get through on our own. Reach out for support when you feel like you’re sinking and don’t be afraid to express the pain you’re feeling through healthy, efficient channels. Honor the memory of your pet by choosing to go on as happy and as healthy as they would want to see you. This pain is a hard cross to bear, but it is one that will ease with time. Tomorrow is a new day. Embrace it. Their memory will live within you forever, even if they can’t.