Coping with grief as a couple
There is one topic that I have wanted to touch on for a long time. And judging by the number of requests, it is quite relevant. The topic is unpleasant and difficult. It is not customary to talk about this, and sometimes even those closest to you have no idea what is happening.
We will talk about how a couple experiences the loss of a child in the prenatal period (before birth), be it fetal death, medical or spontaneous abortion. Such an event, especially if the child was desired, often leads to disruption of relationships between partners, in many cases couples break up.
The loss of a child before or at the time of birth is a special topic due to the fact that prevailing social attitudes in this regard greatly devalue the feelings of those who experience loss. In the eyes of others, this is not yet a full-fledged member of the family, but rather an unsuccessful attempt, an annoying misunderstanding. How cynical phrases like “You’re still young, you’ll give birth to someone else,” “Why are you crying, I had five abortions and nothing,” “This is not a person yet,” “You already have a child” sound so cynical from doctors and relatives. , “He was very small, you didn’t have time to get used to it”…
Often it is not even possible to carry out the necessary mourning rituals — to bury, say goodbye and mourn.
Thus, the very possibility of grief is denied, the experience of feelings seems to stop, freeze. Parents are deprived of support, the opportunity to share their experiences, and are faced with condemnation for showing emotions.
Often in such isolation a woman finds herself alone. A man’s connection with an unborn child is based only on his idea of what he will be like, thoughts that this is his child, his own childhood experience, which can be expressed and relived in parenthood. In the early stages of pregnancy, when the physiological changes in the woman’s body are not too noticeable, the man is not yet included in what is happening — nothing has changed in his life yet.
A woman feels changes much earlier. Hormonal levels change, the psyche becomes more receptive. An image of oneself as a mother is formed.
The first movements and movements on the monitor during an ultrasound scan, even in the most callous ones, usually evoke tenderness and interest in a new creature, treating it as if it were already alive, a desire to care, and dreams of how their relationship will be built. She is already choosing a name, clothes, toys. An image of the future appears, which is built around the child. Many things that were relevant before pregnancy fade into the background.
After the death of a child, the hormonal levels do not stabilize immediately; sometimes it takes several months. This is accompanied by the collapse of all plans, a feeling of confusion and devastation. There is a need to abandon that part of oneself that has already been defined as “I am a mother.” Many questions arise, the answers to which are impossible to obtain. For what? Why my child? What could he become? Would it be a boy or a girl? Am I to blame for what happened? Could anything have been done to prevent the loss?
Even if the decision was made by the woman herself, questions about how her life would have turned out differently are inevitable. It is especially difficult when the choice was made in secret from the partner.
And if a man lives as if nothing had happened, and a woman experiences grief alone, sooner or later conflicts are inevitable. Because being around someone who is grieving is difficult. Because it is difficult to build a bright future when the bitter past constantly breaks into it. Because the partner, with his experiences, activates feelings of guilt and helplessness. The simplest option would be to distance yourself through a protracted conflict. Or separation, in an attempt to start a new life.
In such a situation, only going through this path together can save the relationship. Openness and sensitivity to your partner’s feelings — patience with emotional reactions — crying, anger, resentment. Acknowledgment of shared grief, acknowledgment and designation of loss — to find a definition for yourself as the mother and father of an unborn child. The opportunity to talk openly about what happened — stories about the idea of the future of the couple, the image of the lost, creating a common context for the experience.
Symbolic farewell actions will be useful — plant a tree, arrange a place in memory where you can come, arrange a memorial dinner, donate children’s things to the shelter, feed wild birds. All that is called is to pay tribute to memory. Create events that, when associated with grief, will help transfer it into the category of memories.