Coping with Catcalls: the Modern Woman’s Guide
Struggle simply to exist in this world sometimes? These tips will help.
*Content note: descriptions of violence against women.
Which woman or girl hasn’t had the experience of simply minding her own business, headphones in or out, whether walking fast or drifting along, when a man hollers from across the street, or car, or nearby building at her? I know I sure have!
It’s times like these when I freeze up! I often don’t know the best thing to do. Is it better to ignore the man, or try to put him in his place? Should I be offended, or try to take it as a compliment? Is it possible to avoid this experience altogether?
For the first time ever, find in this guide all the tips you will ever need to live a life undisturbed by men!
Tip #1: Call them out!
When you’re out and about, feelin’ yourself and proud, you don’t have to stand for any man trying to rain on your parade! Next time a man shouts, “NICE JUGS!” why not simply walk right on over to him and give him the what for?
Try any of these quick quips to put him in his place:
- “In your dreams, snot-nose.”
- “Stop objectifying women as they walk.”
- “Have you actually got any woman this way?”
- “Do you talk to your mother with that filthy mouth?”
Let them have it with these sassy zingers! What’s the worst that can happen? You have the chance to teach these men a lesson — what are they going to do, follow you and attempt to kidnap and murder you?
Oh, right — you might be further harassed, stalked, injured or even killed! Whoops. Moving right along to our next tip.
Tip #2: Better stay quiet.
When men harass you, they’ve already proven that they don’t care about you, your personhood, or even your body!
They’re not trying to get with you, they aren’t trying to please you — they’re simply asserting their right to comment on your existence as and when they please. So, don’t fight it! Instead, stay quiet.
Look down, don’t make eye contact, cross the road, don’t engage. Better safe than sorry! By staying quiet, you guarantee that — although you may feel small or put down as men freely harass and shout at you as you’re trying to go about your day — you’ll be protected. It’s best to simply avoid contact and make the safe choice. Don’t give them the attention they so clearly crave!
What’s that you say? Staying quiet can enrage the men? That they dislike being disregarded? That women have actually been killed for ignoring catcalls as well as for standing up to them? That there’s no safe way to respond to catcalls, even if the response is silence?
Oh, dear. Well, onto our next tip!
Tip #3: Avoid the attention.
Instead of dressing up, and basically asking for the catcalls, simply tone down your entire existence! Don’t wear anything revealing, tight, too brightly coloured, too darkly coloured, that suggests you might have breasts, legs, a midriff, or even a body or face at all!
Whenever you go out in public, don’t wear makeup, don’t smile (but do smile when asked to do so by men on the street, or else they may get aggressive), don’t wear pants as they remind men that you have legs, but also don’t wear a skirt or dress as you may inadvertently display the fact that you have skin to eager men.
The best and safest thing to wear is a burlap sack covering your entire body, much like you might find surrounding potatoes. Be that potato. The rough fabric and ungainly shape will make men stop seeing you as a sexual object for their pleasure!
But what did I hear? That the type of clothing, makeup, or body type women have, has no correlation to amount or severity of catcalling? That men aren’t “provoked” by feminine clothing but simply exerting their power to remind women that they are nothing but sexualized bodies that exist for the use of men, whether wearing a bikini or a burlap sack?
Well, no further comment, onto our next tip!
Tip #4: Think of it like a compliment!
Next time you’re catcalled on your daily commute, try to think of it as a compliment. Remember, those men could have chosen not to spend time and energy telling you that they would love to spend time intimately getting to know you. It’s nice of them!
Think of the ingenuity needed to come up with these amazing compliments! And honestly, who doesn’t like to be told that their ass is grab-able, their breasts reminiscent of ripe melons, that they have legs that these men would like wrapped around them?
Who doesn’t just love to be reduced down to body parts that men would like to possess? Who doesn’t simply relish the experience of being reminded on a daily basis that men believe they have the right to access girls’ and women’s bodies? Which one of us hasn’t embraced the feeling of being wanted by these total random and often gross strangers?
Oh, sorry? You’re saying women actually want to be treated like people with agency, not just walking flesh-lights? That if catcallers truly respected women and wanted to make them feel safe and appreciated, they wouldn’t use this demeaning form of harassment to express their desire to control women and affect their everyday lives?
Then we only have one tip left!
Tip #5: Forget it, just don’t leave your house.
Whether you try to stand up for your rights, stay quiet and demure, wear leggings or a dress or a sack, whether you try to see it as a compliment or not, you probably won’t be able to avoid having your existence put down by men objectifying you.
The only way to please men and stay safe is to simply remain inside your own house indefinitely. If you absolutely must leave the house, make sure you’re accompanied by a responsible, trusted male associate who will show cat-callers that you’re already owned by a man and are unavailable for further harassment!
Inside your home, you’ll be free to pursue any leisure activities you like, whether it’s cooking, crocheting, or looking after your children. In fact, inside the home, the world is your oyster! Why risk reminding men that you’re a woman occupying space in the wide, wide world when you can instead stay totally safe, happy, and unharassed by all men in the comfort of your own house or apartment?
(Just as long as you stay off the internet.)
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