IMPRESS YOUR INTERLOCUTOR

Coolest Conversation Fillers for Empathic Listeners

I’m so sorry for your loss

Through empathic listening, the listener lets the speaker know, “I know what you’re going through, I’m interested in what you’re saying and I’m not judging you” while violently AND subtly judging them.

If you find yourself in an uncomfortable position where you have to make your interlocutor comfortable, here are all the coolest phrases or interjections, and non-verbal behaviors such as body language you can use to contribute. Wait! Does body language work that effectively?

I just shrugged.

Surely you’re joking!

Start with this one. Jump into the deep end of the interaction with this super-emotional phrase. Your interlocutor will also know you’ve read the book called “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!” by Richard Feynman, cover to cover, six times, which tells them you’re almost as half as half as smart as Richard and Physics has been your favorite subject since you were 2, which drives your point home.

Bonus tip: This works best when they just told you they were dumped by their seven-and-a-half-year boyfriend — before he died in a tragic snowboarding accident.

I’m so sorry for your loss!

You aren’t. Exude affinity by saying it anyway. Why? It’s trendy. This will also show them that you genuinely understand what’s being conveyed. Clinical neuropsychologists call this phenomenon empathic listening (aka active listening or reflective listening).

Bonus tip: This works best when you’re sorry but not sorry. You’re slightly sorry for being absolutely NOT sorry.

Wait, what!!!

This should be more of a statement of dismay than an actual or a rhetorical question. When your interlocutor attempts to clarify, close your eyes and tell them, “I heard you the first time.”

Say “Wait, what!!!” again four minutes later — even if — especially if they’re now talking about entirely something else. When your interlocutor doesn’t attempt to clarify, close your eyes and tell them, “I didn’t hear you. I have too much wax in my ear. Please repeat.”

If you’re texting this to someone who’s grieving, remember to add an exclamation mark (preferably three!!!) at the end instead of a question mark. It makes all the difference in the world.

Bonus tip: This works best for basically every scenario, as long as you have cotton swabs (preferably three!!!) in your hands.

No

Listen to everything they say. Act like a mirror. A clean one. Then say, “No.” No more. No less. Sometimes two letters alone (when they’re used together) are strong enough to let them know you super emphasize with them.

This encourages the further surfacing of information. You’ve acknowledged the speaker in one word. You’ve increased the speaker’s self-esteem and confidence. You’ve mastered the art of active listening.

Don’t interrogate. Don’t teach. Don’t preach. DO NOT — I repeat — DO NOT give nonverbal acknowledgments such as head nodding while they speak. If they look into your eyes, close your eyes until they stop talking. It’s super polite. After they stop talking, open your eyes back. If they’re still looking into your eyes, STARE into their eyes and SHOUT, “NO” through a mouthful of your favorite chips.

Bonus tip: NO.

I don’t know what to say

You really don’t. That’s okay. To that, they won’t know what to say either. This can only build trust, love, and enormous respect for you.

Bonus tip: Who am I kidding? You always know what to say. But you can’t. Not when they told you they don’t want to live anymore. Whatever you say will inevitably make things worse. You don’t want their blood on your hands.

Don’t forget to shrug. You can always shrug. If you’re a natural shrugger, you should be a psychotherapist for a living.

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