Satire | Politics
Conspiracy, Cockroaches and Karma
A Cautionary Play About Political Unawareness
INTERIOR. A SEEDY MOTEL ROOM — DAY TIME
A smartly dressed female, wearing her Sunday-go-to-Church outfit and a pearl necklace, sits up on a bed in a dingy motel room. The landline on the bedside rings.
FEMALE (excited tone) Yes, yes, I’ve been waiting to hear from you. I have a number of — er — complaints — er — about my accommodation.
A loud BUZZ can be heard coming through the crackle of the phone line.
FEMALE ( CONT’D ) Well, I’ve been here for months and I think I deserve an upgrade. This is really not the kind of thing I was expecting when I got here.
She stares wistfully ahead of her.
FEMALE ( CONT’D ) It’s not what I was promised.
THE BUZZ (continues, unintelligible, through the phone line.)
FEMALE ( CONT’D ) (visibly excited) Oh — I see. When will that be?
THE BUZZ (still buzzing)
FEMALE That soon?… Do we know what? How —
She is interrupted by a loud click as The Buzz hangs up. She rolls over and closes her eyes as if to sleep, fiddling anxiously with the pearls around her neck. Almost immediately, the door opens and a well-dressed man, in sunglasses, an expensive suit and blue tie enters. He walks to the bed and clears his throat.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (educated Harvard accent. Calm, but forceful tone.) Get out of bed, it’s time.
FEMALE I wasn’t expecting you so soon. Can I get —
WELL-DRESSED MAN No.
FEMALE Pack a —
WELL-DRESSED MAN No.
FEMALE What ab —
WELL-DRESSED MAN (producing an aerosol can from his inside pocket and holding it up as if he is about to spray.) No. Don’t make me use this… GET. OUT.
He motions to the door with a dramatic gesture, as the woman starts to move.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (CONT’D) And take the others with you.
The female puts two fingers to her mouth and whistles. A rustling sound is heard all around the room. People emerge from cupboards, under the bed, and out of the dimly lit bathroom. They follow her to the open door.
She turns as if to speak. The man, still pointing the can in her direction, looks menacing.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (CONT’D) You knew what would happen if you voted for him. Now off you go. All of you.
The woman and the others scatter out the door and disappear. The man goes to the phone and picks it up. He places the can of spray on the bedside table.
WELL-DRESSED MAN (CONT’D) (smiling, looking very pleased with himself.) Sir… Yes… It’s done. They’re moving on… No, no trouble, Sir. It’s all taken care of. Thank you. No, my pleasure, Sir.
He picks up the can of spray, and smiles to himself. On the label is a clearly visible picture of an expired cockroach. He puts the can back in his pocket and leaves the room.
Outside in the dimly-lit hallway, a group of cockroaches enter a lift.
COCKROACH #1 (to the group, nervously fiddling with a tiny pearl necklace. Lift doors shutting as she starts to talk.)
I’m so sorry. All I said was I had a few complaints. With the accommodation. I didn’t mean for it to end like — What’s happening? We’re going down. The restaurant’s on 15.
Oh my god!
She screams, as a deep and godlike voice, much like James Earl Jones’, rings out in the lift.
COCKROACH #2 Holy hell, it’s Darth Vader!
GOD-LIKE VOICE No idiot. And it’s not QAnon, either. This is the Universe speaking. You know…Suffering…Karma…All that stuff. Listen up. You were warned.
ALL COCKROACHES (Together, in an angry chorus.) But we were convinced. They told us it was a liberal conspiracy.
GOD-LIKE VOICE (Now speaking with a vaguely ironic, Jewish intonation, more like Woody Allan in Annie Hall.) Conspiracy, shmiracy. Grow up, why don’t you?
COCKROACH #1 (Wringing her feelers and crying bitterly.) But it had to be true. We read it online, for fuck’s sake. You know, satanic pizzas, baby entrees, cannibal pedo —
GOD-LIKE VOICE — Nope. You had your chance. GET OUT.
The lift stops. The sizzle and pop of a few thousand frying cockroaches is heard as the lift doors open. An overweight, orange man with yellow hair, a badly fitting pair of Speedos, and a red hat with Make Hell Great Again on it, greets the group as they step outside the lift.
ORANGE MAN (Sweaty, rambling and barely coherent.) Welcome, welcome, by that I mean… You know you look beautiful…this is a beautiful perfect place…I hear Vladimir’s around…beautiful pearls there…I gave some just like that to Ivanka…beauuutiful…beauuutiful…
ALL COCKROACHES Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh! Kill me now!
