Advice lesson: don’t advise
Consistency For 5 Years, When Does Silent Support Gets Loud?
The advice I wrote on Quora for silent support. Nothing changed.
And there it was: an upvote for an answer I had given on Quora, five years ago. I have checked it five times. Yes, it was that long ago. Meanwhile, my mind was telling me: ‘You wrote that last week, somewhere. In your newsletter or on FB, or in a LinkedIn post. Maybe a bit longer than a week ago, but NOT five years!’.
Well, sorry and not sorry for my inner voice: it was actually, absolutely certainly a full hand of years ago. But I understand why my mind played tricks on me because every word of it could have been written by me, yesterday.
Nothing changed, I’m consistent and still not getting ‘loud enough’. It’s such a shame because it is great advice and we can all utilize it, every day. Let me show you my answer to the question ‘How do you respond to someone in pain or sick?’
Be ‘quiet’, don’t talk very much, BE THERE for them and don’t make a fuss about it (even when you had to arrange a 1000 things so you could be near them!).
Ask how they are ‘now’. This is vital!! It gives you the possibility to ask about slightly better times or to say ‘so glad to hear it is slightly better now.”
Pay attention to your tone of voice! Be genuine in your interest.
Don’t give advice. Ask them what has helped them a little bit before. When they want advice, they’ll ask for it. And even then …
Look around and think whether you can help with usual things, with administration, with driving, with making phone calls, etc. Ask what would be nice for them if you would do it for them (and please act on it!)
Looking at all the exclamation marks I know that my passion for it isn’t changed either :-) I now keep my ‘shouting out’ inside of me when I write. I’ve been told it’s better to not use those marks. But I sure feel the same inside, perhaps even more: Do this, please, please, please.
In fact, it is not very weird that I’m consistent in this way of communicating. It’s a way of helpful communication ensuring huge respect for the one in need. No matter the struggle, every person wants to tell you what is best for them. No one needs advice from people who think they know how it feels.
I first learned about this ‘Solution Focused Approach’ in 2007 and over time I got more and more enthusiastic hearing the most wonderful life-changing stories. By now, I can tell you a few myself due to my one-hour silent coach workshop ‘Tackle Your Challenge!’. Will tell you later, perhaps. Anyway, what I wanted to say: is because I live and love this way of respectful communication, it’s not so strange that I’m consistent in my writing. For years I’m passionately sharing how we can support each other, I had forgotten how many years, that’s all.
I’ll keep on writing about it, at least for the following five years. My next e-book is about ‘How to be a supportive team member.’ It describes life stages in which we all need some support because we struggle because of (mental) pain. The new father and the new line manager, as well as the hospitalized team member, all need our support. Silent respectful support. They’ll love it, I’m sure. That’s why I keep on writing.
I write in English and for Bookboon.com (World's largest eBook publisher) to gain the widest audience. I’m not shouting but I sure hope it will reach the other side of the world. Living in Gouda, The Netherlands means: reaching beautiful Australia.
Sometimes I have to support myself when in pain.
Thank you for reading this far. It makes me smile.
Bye, smile, Ella
PS My Solution Focused Mentoring e-book has made it to 35,000 downloads. I hope the same will happen with my ‘How to support your team member’ e-book. Fingers crossed.
These two Medium stories will show you more of my passion.
Writing your happiness notebook, does that work? (2015)
Vitamins For The Soul #2 (2023)