Conquering My Gender Bogey Man
Roaring with fierce joy
We all have a Bogey Man in our lives
Sometimes you create the Bogey Man and sometimes He is created for you. He lurks in the background waiting for those moments of personal weakness to viciously attack us from behind. He always knows our deepest secrets and our greatest vulnerabilities. Those emotional wounds run deep and some never seem to properly heal.
He loves to hit the same weakest over and over again. He strikes during the day but particularly loves to attack at night when it’s dark and quiet. It’s the time when you are totally alone with your thoughts.
You have few defenses then.
You can feel His breath on the back of your neck, even under the blankets. There is no smell, just the sense He is there. The hairs on the back of your neck begin to rise and your heart begins to pick its beating. In panic you turn on the lights, all of them. Sometimes in all the rooms. You use the TV or call a friend to finally make Him go away. He does eventually because He is very jealous. He wants your full attention and hates competition for your thoughts. That is what He wishes to consume, what he lives off of: your thoughts, your hopes and most of all your dreams.
My Bogey Man is my female-wired brain trapped inside a biologically male body
Society created this rigid binary world to trap me in and then created a special Bogey Man just to chase me through it. He never gave up and my world continued to give him strength.
I never had an ally. I never knew one existed because I never asked. I battled the Bogey Man all my life all alone, never asking for help until, in a moment of desperate despair, I finally reached out. Surprisingly, someone grabbed my hand and I wasn’t alone anymore.
All my life I thought I was the only one living with a Bogey Man. I thought the Bogey Man was there to punish me, maybe because I had done something bad. The Bogey Man loves shame and guilt, they are his special pleasures and I gave him a lifetime of happiness.
But I was wrong. I lived in fear of the Bogey Man all my life because I was so completely ignorant. He also loves ignorance. It nourishes Him and makes Him stronger. I didn’t know that and, unknowingly, fed Him often.
Everyone else in my life also fed Him as well. Their ignorance made His world even bigger and continues to do so even today.
The one thing that defeats the Bogey Man is the light of day. He hates having the light in His face and His truth exposed. He hates having His hideous reality visible to our eyes, to finally see His weaknesses for what they are and to finally be able to fight back and finally defeat him.
The moments I saw His weaknesses, I began to find my strength. With that discovery my soul let out a roar with fierce joy that destroyed my Bogey Man forever and replaced those dark nights with dreams of hope and promise. That one roar burned away the decaying ignorance that gave the Bogey Man a safe place to attack from and pulled back the curtain on a world of joyous possibilities that I never thought existed.
You can do it too!
You need to find your own weapons to destroy your Bogey Man. Those weapons exist. You just have to believe and then find them. Then you can take away his control of your thoughts, hopes and dreams. Finally you can give your soul its own opportunity to growl back in defiance.
Have courage. Be fierce. Take control and roar with fierce joy!
Emma Holiday
This story is a response to Prism & Pen’s writing prompt Roar With Fierce Joy
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