Connecting the Dots

The Inner Compass

These days, I feel as though I’m living in my own world. A place where joy, excitement, and limitless possibilities are unbound A wonderful space to be in. I am tapping into my creativity and imagination and charting my own unique path.

Stepping away from the extraordinary, I am now embracing the ordinary.

I found resonance with Wabi-Sabi, a Japanese philosophy that embraces the beauty of imperfection and the inherent flaws of the world around it and finds joy in simplicity and authenticity. It helped me to seek out natural and authentic elements and find pleasure in the subtle details.

The voyage of self-discovery and creation feels truly remarkable.

In this realm, I have the power to shape my own reality, set my own goals, define my own values, and pursue my own things. Now the possibilities are endless, limited only by my imagination.

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.” Soren Kierkegaard

A Reflection on My Journey

“There are no accidents in the universe” is a truism that applies to all creation. Every life is a journey — a voyage of self-discovery and experience. We encounter various paths, crossroads, and detours. We face challenges and navigate through different phases and stages, encountering obstacles and new landscapes, and interacting with diverse individuals along the way. This journey is not always linear or predictable.

Connecting the Dots

Looking back at my life, I now see clearly the future implications that all the early experiences have offered me. Each experience was a unique and intricate thread woven within the fabric of my being, shaping who I am and how I perceive the world and adding flavor, depth, and significance to my life story. Some threads are vibrant and joyful; others are subdued or even challenging.

Reflecting on my childhood, I now realize that I was wired differently. I perceived and experienced the world in my own distinct way. From a very young age, I was interested in reading books, even though I couldn’t fully comprehend them at the time. This helped foster a love for reading, expand my perspectives, and influence my overall growth in subtle ways.

Now I see clearly why I rush to a bookstore when I am feeling low. I find solace and comfort in the calming ambiance. Even if I don’t read a book, I still sit there, taking in the atmosphere.

College was not as great as I had hoped it to be. The mindset I carried from my childhood made it very difficult to fit in. Studying was all that I could do. I tried to feel good by securing high grades.

Despite being physically present on campus, I never felt a part of anything. Days went by with the same routine, and I was just doing what I needed to do to graduate. Later, as a Ph.D. student, life was very different. The phase completely changed me into an overworked, underpaid, stressed-out perfectionist.

I carried the same mindset to my next adventure. My life’s next phase, marriage, was an emotional roller coaster. As expected, I became a people-pleaser, trying to put others over me to get validation. I got lost in juggling homely duties, work, motherhood, and social life.

For the longest time, I was in denial. I thought I was okay. I allowed myself to tolerate things that made me unhappy.

Then came my first life-altering moment that profoundly impacted me. It disrupted the status quo and forced me to reevaluate my life. That small, leisurely evening walk with my better half was an ordinary, everyday routine. I expressed my dissatisfaction over some life situations, expecting him to resolve them for me. He expressed his disdain with a platitude: “We are all responsible for our own happiness; do whatever makes you happy.”

This jolted me out of my stupor. I was deeply hurt by his complete disregard for my situation. But he was right. Why should he or anyone else straighten the course of my life? Now I see clearly how that one evening walk was needed for me to wake up to who I was and what I wanted and to put me on a road of intense grind.

To this day, his stern, stoic wisdom still reverberates in my ears whenever I am at a crossroads. Today, I am grateful to him for being spiteful and churning me with his words.

I started rewriting my story and reinventing myself. I started a new career. I used my education and abilities to feel worthy. In this new adventure, I made mistakes and had lapses in judgment from time to time. For some time, I judged myself for a lot of things, but now that I look back at them, I know they were all important threads in building my story.

I grew up alongside my children. Motherhood brought a shift in priorities, with the needs and well-being of my children taking precedence. Dealing with sleepless nights, tantrums, and rebellion required me to develop patience and resilience as I navigated the challenges of motherhood.

I know I did a pretty decent job because both my children love me. Their love is a rewarding and fulfilling experience that reaffirms my role as a mother.

The next phase of my life includes my family’s long struggle with mental health. When a family member experiences mental health challenges, it has a significant impact on the entire family and the person who is providing support and care. It disrupts family dynamics and relationships.

For me, it was the longest dark night, which lasted 5 years. I had to put my entire life on hold to support that family member. I struggled to understand what was going on. This put me on a long and arduous journey of medical appointments, therapies, internet research, and an alternate medicine approach.

The unpredictability and uncontrollability of the situation added to the physical and psychological strain. For a while, I lived in a vacuum of uncertainty and hopelessness. There were times when I felt like I was flinging myself into the same pit.

I started searching for companionship to get some wisdom, guidance, and inspiration. Once again, I turned to books for solace and consolation. I explored literature, seeking out stories that resonated with me. I found inspiration within the pages of these books. They held me by the hand and pulled me out of the ditch where I was falling.

Over time, with self-care, support, and resilience, we could all find a way towards healing. With a renewed sense of hope, we kept moving forward.

Difficult times can bring forth intense emotions. For me, these five years set me on the path of self-awareness. Intense introspection provided space to process and make sense of these emotions. By acknowledging and reflecting on these feelings, I gained clarity and emotional release.

Now, I know from experience that, while it may be challenging to see in the midst of difficult times, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

We experience life in a linear and forward manner; gaining a deeper understanding of it often comes through looking back on our experiences, reflecting on our past, and connecting the dots.

We may not always fully grasp the significance or meaning of these experiences at the moment. However, as time passes and we gain perspective, we can reflect on our past actions, decisions, and events and begin to make sense of them all, gaining a deep appreciation for the journey we have undertaken.

You cannot connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect the dots looking backward. So trust in the life force. This trust gives confidence that the dots will connect eventually.

My journey continues. As life progresses, I may revisit these pages in the future to add new moments and rewrite old ones with a new outlook.

Indeed, life is a constant flow of change, and as we move through different stages and experiences, our perspectives evolve. Embracing this fluidity expands the world around us.

I know I will never feel constricted anymore. Breaking free from self-imposed limitations was a journey worth taking.

I won’t trade a moment of my life for any other moment, better or worse.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates’

This statement serves as a reminder to continually question, reflect upon, and seek knowledge about ourselves. While reminiscing can be therapeutic, excessive dwelling on experiences or ruminating on the past may not always be an uplifting experience.

My recount has helped me foster a greater sense of self-awareness. Now I decide to live in the moment, day by day, with a high sense of wellbeing, enjoying what I do, and doing what I enjoy.

I am at peace with what is. Now I find beauty in the natural, flawed, and transient aspects of life.

I am stripping away the excess and focusing only on the essentials.

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