Summary

The author humorously reflects on the challenges and absurdities of being a Top Writer on Medium in niche categories like Canoodling, Monkey Pox, and Philately.

Abstract

The article titled "Congratulations! I’m Not a Top Writer! in Anything New Today!" sarcastically celebrates the author's lack of new accolades in Medium's Top Writer categories. The author, previously recognized for expertise in unconventional topics such as Canoodling, Monkey Pox, and Philately, describes the intense pressure to maintain their status among a select group of 50 writers in each category. Through a mix of self-deprecating humor and satire, the piece highlights the competitive nature of writing on Medium, the peculiarity of the topics the author specializes in, and the dubious nature of the expertise required to be a Top Writer in these areas. The author also pokes fun at the idea of expertise, suggesting that even faked facts can confer such status, and muses on the future possibility of becoming a Top Writer in the esoteric field of "Costermongering."

Opinions

The author expresses a sense of relief at not having to maintain the stressful position of a Top Writer in new categories.
There is a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the performance anxiety associated with competing against 49 other Top Writers in a category.
The author playfully questions the correct phrasing for describing the competitive aspect of maintaining Top Writer status, considering terms like "beat off," "beat down," or "beat back."
The article satirizes the notion of being an expert in niche or obscure fields, implying that the titles are somewhat arbitrary or based on questionable credentials.
There is a humorous implication that the author's expertise in topics like Canoodling and Philately is both hard-earned and somewhat ridiculous.
The author mockingly suggests that their Top Writer status in Monkey Pox is secured indefinitely, and that the field of Philately is shrouded in illegality and immorality, which is exaggerated for comedic effect.
The piece concludes with a light-hearted look forward to potentially dominating another obscure topic, "Costermongering," hinting at the cyclical and somewhat farcical nature of chasing Top Writer titles on Medium.

Congratulations! I’m Not a Top Writer! in Anything New Today!

Thank goodness.

**Kicking it! Flush with success, but hard to maintain one’s position.** * * * Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

The performance anxiety is nearly unbearable.

As a 3x Top Writer! in Canoodling, Monkey Pox and Philately, the pressure to perform at the highest level is overwhelming.

Since only 50 writers are allowed in each Top Writer! category (or “class” as I like to say) each time I publish I have to beat off 49 other writers.

Wait a sec, that doesn’t sound right. Note to self, check later and edit. Is it “beat down” or “beat back” or just “beat”? Regardless, I’ll get it in ship shape during the nanoseconds I’ll spend rewriting this racing stripe of a story.

For all of you aspiring to a Top Writer! badge of honor, the following three examples of the living hell we endure in the Top Writer! world, may serve as cautionary tales.

Canoodling

Here’s another expert who got it just right!

In this example, I’m the tall man.

There’s an image you’ll never be able to un-see.

At any rate, Medium relies on me, and 49 others, and a ragtag band of spooners, canoodlers and gropers, to set the world straight on the ins and outs of the sport.

Our position as Top Writers! in this niche is assured for all time, so don’t even try. It takes decades of concerted effort to ascend to this level.

Monkey Pox

“A pox upon both your houses” comes either from Romeo and Juliet or the American Independent Party. Regardless of origin, the phrase is thought to refer to Monkey Pox, and since that’s a fact I faked, I’m an expert.

The Medium Monkey Pox lit collection — curated and chosen for further distribution— is housed within the massively-popular pub “Poxes, Plagues & Pestilence. Wander by and check it out. Wear a mask and don’t touch anything.

Philately

Even the word’s furtive nature makes others think you’re doing something illegal or immoral.

This smacks of an area of expertise that is:

still illegal in 17 States
only allowable between heavily-supervised and properly-medicated consenting adults
regulated by the FAA, the USDA, the NSA, the FBI, the FDA, the BFD, and the FCC, oh, and the BSA
largely expunged from the Catholic church after the movie Spotlight exposed it, but everyone knows it still goes on

However, if you don’t know what it is really, click the NSFW link and find out. This is an area wherein I shine.

Jelly yet?

Next Top Writer! conquest … “Costermongering”, the little-known low hanging fruit on the Medium tree.