Confidence Is Sexy, Not “Bad Boys”
Although sometimes they are a package deal
I’ve often heard the assertion (mostly from men) that women respond to male power and dominance — that it’s some kind of biological signal that women just can’t resist, even if they consciously want to. It’s really time to put that tired story away and take a look at what is actually going on.
It’s not that women love bad boys and trouble, it’s that confidence is sexy, and quite often these things come as a package deal. Assholes are notoriously good lovers because they have the confidence to be uninhibited and passionate. But that doesn’t make them good mates.
If you are going to bring in the evolutionary psychology card you have to take into consideration that any aspects of feeling safe with a powerful man go out the proverbial cave window if that guy is a terrible mate and father/potential father in other ways. And someone who is selfish, controlling, domineering, and narcissistic is going to be a bad mate/father.
Women initiate about 70% of divorces, quite often because they are sick of being controlled and dominated.
“Though he stressed that most women surveyed were happy with their marriages, many of those who weren’t cited controlling husbands and a loss of independence as causes of discontent.”
“According to the surveys, married women reported they were less satisfied with the quality of their relationships than married men were. In contrast, women and men in nonmarital relationships reported similar levels of relationship quality, Rosenfeld found.
It’s possible that women report lower levels because they experience heterosexual marriage as constraining, oppressive, uncomfortable and controlling, Rosenfeld said.”
Women also don’t care about male earning potential as much as men care about it, and both men and women say that even more than that, what’s important is a kind and compassionate partner. Evolutionary psychology tropes can only take you so far when it comes to modern relationships.
What’s really sexy and attractive is a confident man (or woman) who knows who they are and what they are about and who feels good about that. Milquetoast is not a turn-on; a “nice guy” who is only behaving kindly as a facade is not a turn-on; but a genuinely warm, gentle, kind, interesting, loving, passionate, self-confident man is — every day of the week, and twice on Sunday.
I feel very lucky to have not just one, but two such men in my life.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.
