Confessions of an Insomniac

Stream of Consciousness

It’s 2:16 a.m. as I begin writing. I’m not sure what I will say but I am letting my fingers do their thing.

First I need to take a break. Take some headache medicine and pray I start feeling better.

I’m consuming a lot of caffeine. You might ask why I don’t just go back to sleep? Good question.

It’s hard to say. I guess I just love the night.

I’m listening to Emerson speaking poetically about nonduality.

What is. What is.

What is seeking is what is.

These thoughts are just appearances. All made up.

Yesterday I had visions of reading tarot cards as we were listening to a podcast about Aleister Crowley.

I remembered my shoe box of cards back in Michigan. I’m hoping my mother in law can find them and ship them to me here in Mexico.

I don’t know exactly how it will play out. I imagine I will start by reading my own cards.

Once I get up to one thousand followers on Tik Tok I can start doing Tik Tok lives. I picture myself reading cards to random people on Tik Tok.

Let me get you a link to my Tik Tok.

My intuition is in fine shape. I am deep in the groove of life’s spirals.

Like a record on a record player. This song doesn’t skip too often.

Speaking of songs…in my ongoing quest to listen to ALL of Eminem I discovered a new artist. NF!

I’ve been searchin’ “What does that mean, Nate?” I’ve been learning Grabbin’ my keepsakes, leavin’ my burdens Well, I brought a few with me, I’m not perfect Lookin’ at the view like, this concerns me Pickin’ up the cues, right? I’m quite nervous Hate it when I lose sight, life gets blurry And things might hurt me It’s prolly gonna be a long journey, but hey (but hey) It’s worth it, though

What do I do all night?

I write. I chat with people in different time zones. I entertain myself with YouTube.

I look forward to when I get my focus back. Then I will be able to read again.

As it is it takes a lot of energy just to read one Medium article.

I currently prefer to read poetry.

Sometimes I get lonely at night. I think it is good practice to get used to loving my own company.

My life is changing like a swirling storm. A hail storm. I’m changing homes and starting chemo on Wednesday.

Yesterday I learned that I have to have another endoscopy. The doctors are switching my plastic stent for a metal one.

It’s not major surgery but it does involve anesthesia.

That happens in March.

First I have to deal with my mother in law staying with us for two months.

Two months!

WTF.

I guess I will survive.

This is the end of resistance.

I surrender.

Thanks for reading.