Confessions of a Real Firefighter– What Do They Really Think About You

Have you ever wondered what firefighters really think when we are called to all those homes? What do firefighters talk about when driving around in the fire engine? Is “gallows humor” really a thing, and does it still happen in the firehouse?
My House is A Mess
It’s three am and you call 911 for your aging mother’s medical problem. You don’t have time to straighten up the house. Your mouth feels like the bedtime breath monster is living large and wild in there. You fear the kitchen still smells like your kimchi dinner. Delicious at dinner time, now having the stench of a lingering fart.
What will the fire department medics think when they come rushing in? This is a common question I have answered multiple times throughout my career. Nearing three decades as a firefighter and emergency medical technician, I can share the good, the bad, and the ugly of what real firefighters think when they come into your home.
The Good News –
To put your mind at rest, I will share the good news. When the call comes to respond to your home, there is only one singular focus of my team. We are pre-planning what steps need to be taken to mitigate the emergency quickly. If it is a medical call, we take the information you told 911 and begin brainstorming the cause and treatment even before arriving.
On arrival, we want to answer two questions. How sick is the person and how much time do we have before we must rush them to the hospital? Most times, the person, although sick, isn’t in immediate danger of dying. We don’t notice things like clutter or mess. If we need to get a gurney into the house, that would be the first time we look around at the pathway to the patient.
Your Body Is One of a Thousand We Have Seen Before
We don’t have time to judge how you look, smell, or what you are wearing. Our goal is helping you feel better and getting you the care you need. Many of our medical procedures involve remove some or all your clothes. Most times, the firefighter is more embarrassed than you are.
Just like when I played basketball as a kid, there is always somebody better and worse than you. Don’t worry if you have had an accident, we have seen worse. Don’t worry if you think you’re a beauty queen and are afraid the firefighter is going to check you out. They won’t. We’ve seen better and ignored their body too.
We Love When You Come to the Station for a Tour
Please stop by your local fire station during business hours for a tour. Your tax dollars pay for the building and staff. Most fire stations welcome the public with open arms. Some departments may require you to call and make an appointment. We all love to show the public just how we spend their valuable tax dollars.
We Are Not the Cops
We don’t care about your hobbies or recreational activities. I have seen sex swings in the living room. Enough cocaine on a table to make Pablo Escobar blush. A room in the back with tinfoil walls and a garden of tall plants growing like a jungle. We are to there to help you and rarely care about the other things in your home. That being said, we are mandatory reporters for things like signs of abuse, unsafe environments for child, and signs a person is incapable of caring for themselves.
Let Your Freak Flag Fly
If you call 911 for something embarrassing, you must know we have probably seen your situation before. In fact, the men and women I work with are just as freaky and might have been in your situation themselves. We treat every interaction with empathy. We maintain your privacy at all costs. Should you find you have stuck something in a place you can’t recover it from, you don’t have to worry about your neighbors finding out from the firefighters. Nobody is going to laugh or make fun of you. This type of call happens all the time.
The Bad New –
Dating a Firefighter is not What You Think
Many people may have a romantic idea of what dating a firefighter might be like. The bad news is dating a firefighter rarely lives up to the fantasy. Firefighters are adrenaline chasing, ego filled, type A personalities. Often behaving like immature children, spending money on silly hobbies, and working on a schedule that can change without notice. This advise applies equally to dating both male and female firefighters.
Keep Cujo Locked Up
If you have an angry animal that wants to eat my crew, it’s going to get handled. Usually involves the newest firefighter carrying a biting dog in outstretched arms to a back bedroom for containment. We never hurt or harm an aggressive animal. If the animal is too dangerous, we will wait for law enforcement to contain it, and this can delay your care.
Creepy Crawly Things Are Real
Flees and animal feces plaguing your home? We will continue to feel the creepy crawlies for hours after. Showers and changed uniforms never remove the smell from our noses, or the itch from our arms. If the next time you call 911, and the crews arrive in hazmat suits, you will know your pest issues have reached a new high level for them.
Firefighters Break Stuff
If your home has a fire, your things are going to get broken. Our jobs require we put the fire out as quickly as possible. We use a lot of water and pull large heavy hoses around inside your home. All of this means you are going to return to a mess. We spend a great deal of effort protecting what we can with tarps and removing items from the home during the fire. If there is something precious and unreplaceable inside, we can usually get it for you before the fire destroys it.
The Ugly
Firefighter Humor
Firefighter humor often levels close to crude. We are brutal with each other, nearing the eating of our own. If a firefighter accidentally let it slip that something embarrassing happened to them, the teasing will continue for weeks. Search of a firefighter’s phone internet search history following a shift will show that we contemplate if sasquatch is real, whether flagellants can cause cancer for coworkers, and a host of celebrity gossip questions all in the same shift. Language used among firefighters can be inappropriate. The job involves high levels of stress and firefighters live together in the station for 24 or more hours. The conversations often are like those you might have with your closest siblings.
We are Masters at Plausible Deniability
If we break your front door coming to rescue you and later find it was unlocked, we will flip lock swearing it was locked the whole time. If we break the door to your business and later find the keys were in the fire department box outside the whole time, we will throw them in the bushes. When we are fighting a fire in your home and must drop a number two, we are going to use your toilet as the house burns down around us.
Final thoughts about Your Local Firefighters
Men and women drawn to serve the community bring a passion rarely seen in other professions.
· They will respond to your home without judgement.
· They will not care about how your body looks, smells, or if you soiled yourself.
· They will not point out the illegal items in your home to the authorities.
· Don’t be afraid to call 911 for your emergencies. They have seen it all before. No matter how embarrassing.
· Use caution if you ever choose to date a firefighter romantically.
· Keep your angry animals locked up.
· Firefighters break stuff. Your house is going to be a mess after a fire.
· Firefighter humor can be crude and brutal.
Every person in the department will risk their lives to save you and your family if called to. For each of those men and women, loved ones at home send them to work, not knowing if they will return at the end of their shift. Thank you to all the first responders working in all our communities.
