Confessions Of A Former Misogynist Jerk

When being a “good man” goes bad

“Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly, and without reservation, that he is in error. “

— Seventh President Of The United States, Andrew Jackson

One of my worst regrets in life is failing to understand the struggles of women, at a younger age. As someone that routinely struggles with survivor’s guilt, in many ways, I often carry unneeded guilt. Guilt constantly reminds me that I could have done things better at various points in my life.

As a young, black man growing up in a world that values masculinity above all else, I was conditioned from an early age. Even with my parents doing their best to shape me into a gentleman, it’s hard to escape a masculine culture that desires to devalue and objectify women. Despite my better morals, it’s hard not to get dragged down and embrace toxic masculinity.

On top of that, I grew up in a time before the #MeToo movement made everyone aware of just how bad male behavior can be.

Long story short, I had to make a lot of mistakes in my life to learn the true sexual value of a woman.

I used to be “that” guy that thought he could buy his way into a woman’s heart…and her bedroom.

The guy that would buy drinks for her and her lady friends in vain hopes of it going somewhere.

The guy that would open doors and give positive, empty comments to women and hope something good would happen.

The guy that would take her out for a date, pay for everything, and expect something good to happen. (It didn’t)

In my early twenties, I thought that simply throwing money and kindness at her would be enough for some action. But, the sad truth, it just exposed how insecure I was. That I lacked the confidence and intuition to earn her affection and was trying to take the easy way in.

Cheating your way to sex not only disrespects her but also shows a lack of respect for yourself.

When I was growing up, I had a pretty harsh view of sex workers and how they approached life.

Like a lot of guys, I saw them as lesser for performing in such a career. Why would a woman subject herself to the sexual desires of random strangers? Or how about she got a “real” job instead of demeaning herself for others? And why doesn’t she respect herself? Why does she constantly complain about men when she’s the one that made the personal decision to submit herself to this lifestyle?

For a smartass like myself, the list of negative thoughts could go on forever.

And when I say sex workers, I’m not referring to just strippers. Prostitutes, streamers, nude models, and pretty much anything involving a “nude woman”, was included as well.

When my guy friends and homies commented negatively on women’s bodies, I would find it funny. Hilarious even, depending on the joke. To say, I was being an asshole would be an understatement.

But, underneath all of the humor and bravado, I truly wondered why sex workers would engage in their profession. And even more than that, I didn’t completely believe in my own negativity.

The most shameful part is that I was just doing it because my friends thought it was cool to disrespect women.

(Suffice to say, I no longer hang out with those sorts of people.)

However, I’m older and wiser now, and I no longer feel that way. In retrospect, I should have stayed true to myself and been more empathetic to their plight. The shitty truth is that life can be really unfair to women. When you live in a society where male privilege is a real thing, you have to take any opportunities possible.

And sometimes it’s not even about the men — some women just enjoy what they do. Many women of that profession are actually very talented and are extremely business savvy. Some of them just enjoy the confidence boosts and others, simply find it fun to entertain others.

When you take time to understand others and see their perspective, it makes you realize that not everything is so simple.

Not all “sexual activity” is about pleasing a man.

In a past long-term relationship with an ex, we had a falling out over sexual education.

Basically, we were talking about the future and how we would raise kids if we ever reached that point. First, she would want to get a stripper pole installed in the house.

Not my cup of tea…but okay.

Then, if we had a daughter, she would want to teach her how to use it.

Okay, that’s where I draw the line.

“Why would you want to teach our daughter how to use a stripper pole??!”

“It’s not about teaching her how to strip. It’s not even about sex. I want her to know how to appreciate her own body. That she doesn’t need a man to tell her how to love herself. Besides, I wouldn’t teach her the real stuff until she reached puberty.”

In retrospect, she made a good point.

Considering how terrible sex education is in many schools, adults should do a better job of taking some responsibility for their children’s sexual future. Many schools still follow the “abstinence” model of sexuality, and let’s be honest, that shit is useless when it comes to horny teenagers. Teenagers will eventually become sexually curious — it’s a fact of life. Being a parent is more than teaching your child how to earn good grades and avoid trouble.

Sometimes, it’s about teaching children how to happy with themselves, sex included. Learning how to love their own body responsibly should be part of that discussion.

After a difficult college breakup in my early twenties, I found myself single, lonely, and in a sexually dry season. That season actually lasted for quite a while before I gave myself another shot. However, during that time, in my quest for inner peace, I had a brief flirtation with the “manosphere”.

If you have never heard of this word, count yourself lucky because it’s doing you a favor. Basically, it’s the part of the internet that likes to indulge in talks about Alpha males, Beta males, Incels, Pick-Up Artists, and all kinds of male bullshit. It’s the most misogynistic part of the internet where slut-shaming is as common as breathing. These are guys that obsess over the worth of everyone and turn everything into a competition.

Particularly, the “Incel” mentality is more dangerous than people think. It’s deceptively easy to blame the world, and women, for your problems instead of taking ownership of yourself. It takes no effort and responsibility on your part and puts all of the faults on others. You get to feel good about yourself and create a villain for you to fight against at the same time.

An Incel, as defined by Wikipedia:

A portmanteau of “involuntary celibates”, are members of an online subculture who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one.

It’s a really messed-up win-win if that’s how one looks at it. It’s quite sad honestly. Incels are probably the most dangerous of the type of guys you find in these social circles. It’s this type of mentality that has led to outright terrorism and attacks on undeserving groups of people. For example, the shooting of multiple Asian massage parlors was committed by someone the processed this sort of mentality.

Still, despite being a cesspool of terrible people, I can see the appeal. It’s a place for terrible men to be terrible men in peace and acceptance with other terrible men.

Which, is exactly the problem.

Loneliness is not something you can blame on other people — it’s just you. If you feel the need to hate the world or manipulate others to make yourself feel better, then yeah, people don’t want to be around you. Especially if you’re a guy trying to get laid.

That break-up was a long time ago and I feel no compulsion to look at that stuff now. The truth is the cure for loneliness is actually pretty simple — go do stuff. I’m serious. Be bold, be weird, believe in yourself, and go out to the world.

Nobody is entitled to sex — you have to do the work.

To be a better man, you have to be willing to do the work.

We all make mistakes, and adopt wrongful views when we’re young. It happens. It’s what you do with those mistakes, and how you grow from them, that makes you a better man. You can react with negativity and blame the world for your problems under the guise of misogyny and hatred. Or you can choose to be better, and do better, by growing up and realizing the world owes you nothing.

Popular articles curated in Sex and Sexuality:

Dayon Cotton is Active Duty US Navy and Freelance Writer. I write dope articles about social issues, life lessons, and advice on how to live a better life. Stay safe out there!