Confessions From a Formerly Fat Girl
Sorry, what’s self-esteem?
High school is supposed to be the best part of your life.
Mine was a disaster.
My dad had just fallen into a coma, I had to shift schools in the 11th grade and was suddenly back home from boarding school that I’d been attending for the past 6 years.
Soon enough, I was putting on pounds of fat the way gym bros wished they put on muscle. Most of my meals consisted of deep-fried snacks and dangerous levels of sugar. To put it simply, Cheetos and Nutella were my new besties.
It kind of f*cked me up in a way I’d never imagined. It left scars I still struggle to heal from.
I’d always been a fairly confident girl. I was smart, got good grades, and wasn’t skinny but exercised regularly and ate well. Basic average pretty girl with brains.
Until I wasn’t.
Suddenly all I was was my three tummy rolls, my too-fat thighs and my humongous double chin.
Oops.
Somehow when college began I beat myself up and shed the extra kilos. I found healthy alternatives for all my favourite snacks and put all my anger at life into my workouts.
Soon enough, everyone was commenting on how skinny I was. Me though? I still felt like the same old fatty. I still do.
Years of fat shaming and berating yourself for eating too much, looking too big and taking up too much space are hard to push away. Trust me, I’ve been trying.
How are you supposed to work in a corporate environment when you still struggle to believe that anyone could ever like you? They’re all looking at your tiny stomach pouch that’s your uterus and thinking you’re not good enough to talk to.
I wanted to share this so any of you don’t ever feel the same way. You know they never fix the damage they cause by all the fat shaming. So I’m here to tell you some truths that you should’ve always been aware of.
You’re likeable as you are
I’ve always had this notion in my head that everyone secretly hates me. My friends, classmates, co-workers, family and even my partner. They’re all judging me silently, laughing at my every move, making snarky comments behind my back.
This turned into a huge problem when I started working.
College was a breeze. I’d just entered my skinny era and felt good about myself.
But here I am again, in my head, the same old fat Khushi.
But the more I talked to people, the more I smiled at them. Said hello, and good morning, pushed myself forward, and tried to make conversation with all these scary professionals far ahead of me. The more I tried to counter my beliefs, the more I realised, No one actually hates you.
Have you done something horrible to them?
Do you smell like rotten fish?
Is there poop on your face?
I hope not.
Then don’t worry, they don’t hate you. They just don’t know you. So go and say hello. I promise it’ll be fine. Smile if you can :)
The more you push yourself forward, the more you’ll be able to gain proof that you, my friend, are perfectly likeable and in general, a great, capable human being.
You do not have to overwork yourself to prove your worth
I started to compensate for my body with my brain.
Sure, I’ll work 12 hours a day, no problem.
Yes, problem. No one can do that. And you should never have to.
Whenever we feel a lack in a certain area of our lives we try to make up for it in another way. But just because you don’t look a certain way you don’t have to let people walk all over you, do more than everyone around you or feel any lesser than anybody else.
You have nothing to prove. You’re as good as you are, I promise. I’m sure you’re a lovely, intelligent, good-looking person. Don’t destroy yourself to get someone else to like or value you.
Always do your bit, but never punish yourself for others.
Put in extra effort to establish your self-worth. Be kind to yourself and assertive with others. Appreciate your talents and accept your lacks. We all falter at something or the other. That’s what makes us human. Without any quirks, you’d just be boring.
So worry less, live more.
Eat your breakfast, please
And the other two meals.
Ah, the secret of everyone trying to lose weight. We hide it from everyone and pretend to be okay but are we?
Skipping meals, starving yourself, staying home when everyone’s out having fun. Trying another fad diet or two, running from sugar like it’s the monster under your bed and looking for the best low-calorie snacks.
I’ve done it all.
I’d eat one meal around noon every day for months and ignore my hunger pangs for the rest of the day. Soon enough, I just stopped getting hungry.
Your body needs food. Everyone deserves food.
Please don’t do that.
And if that’s not enough to convince you to eat something, here’s the facts: Not eating will not make you thin. Your metabolism will slow down and you’ll destroy your body for the long term, making it even tougher to lose weight later.
You might as well let yourself enjoy a meal.
You can still go out if you’re not skinny
I’d fantasise about ‘disappearing’ for a month, not meeting anyone, deleting my socials and coming back completely changed.
Every month, I’d try my hand at the glow-up thing.
As if.
And hello, just because you’ve gained 5–10 kgs that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to step out of your house. What kind of logic is this?
When will body weight just be body weight and not our whole self-esteem? So please, go out, live, enjoy your life. You can work on your goals side by side, but you can never stop loving yourself and living your life.
Having a good time, being positive, and just generally enjoying life was the secret sauce in my weight loss journey.
Because guess what’s the biggest contributor to weight gain today? You’re right, stress.
Last thoughts
To anyone reading this, please don’t comment on somebody else’s body.
Don’t tell them they’ve lost or gained weight. Don’t say they could lose a few pounds or comment on how big their thighs are. They’ll probably remember it for the rest of their lives.
And if somebody’s made you feel not enough, not worthy, or not beautiful, You can always look yourself in the mirror and pledge to not let anyone take your shine away.
You’ll always be beautiful.
No matter what you weigh.