Summary

A seasoned pediatric nurse and mother reflects on her decision to have only one child, citing personal experiences, societal challenges, and the lack of support systems in the United States.

Abstract

The author, a pediatric nurse with extensive experience caring for children, including those with severe medical needs, shares her personal journey to motherhood and the reasons behind her decision to have only one child. Highlighting the necessity of a support system or "village" in raising a child, she points out the inadequacies of government support and societal structures in the United States, contrasting it with more supportive systems in other countries. She emphasizes the exhaustive nature of parenting, especially without adequate support, and the impact of factors such as work-life balance, financial constraints, and broader societal issues like the pandemic and climate change. The article underscores the importance of considering personal capacity and societal realities when deciding to have children.

Opinions

The author believes that raising a child requires a support system, which is often lacking in the United States, making parenting more challenging.
She criticizes the U.S. government for not providing sufficient support to parents, despite the high cost of childcare and the necessity for many parents to work long hours.
The author suggests that the societal expectation in the U.S. to manage parenting without external help is unrealistic and detrimental to families.
She points out the hypocrisy of prioritizing military budgets over the well-being of children and families.
The author expresses concern about the future of children in the U.S. given the current societal priorities and lack of support for families.
She indicates that the decision to have children is deeply personal and should be made with careful consideration of one's lifestyle, career, and financial situation.
The author advocates for a shift in perspective, suggesting that the number of children one has should not be a basis for judgment, as parenting is universally challenging.

Confession Of A Peds Nurse: Why Did I Choose To Have Only One Child?

I knew what it means to be a mother before I became one. And YES, you need a village (a support system) to raise the child.

For more than a decade while I lived in the US, I was both a peds nurse and a medical foster parent. As well, a baby nurse and the nanny for many precious children I never had. I knew all about dirty diapers and rashes. I’ve been caring for kids with severe life-threatening illnesses who needed respirators, G-tubes, and oxygen tanks.

The heartache and stress that came with it–for the child, his parents, and sometimes even for me — is almost incomprehensible to people who have not experienced such tragedy.

… I knew all about happiness too: the joys of babyhood. Crawling, first steps, first words. I loved those moments as much as every parent loves them–possibly since I was the one who had to stay up all night if something went wrong with the ill children hooked up on the ventilator. I still hear the beeps of the machines in my head… My mornings frequently began with code blue since the child awoke blue. I was attached to those children.

… I’ve been in this career for almost a decade and I can say that what I experienced in those years would have been enough for a lifetime.

I had my baby girl when I was 29, so I had done almost every job commonly available on the market for staying-at-home mothers. And then some. I knew about adoption, abortion, IVF, and every other aspect of parenting.

So when people asked me why I only have one child, my answer was based on experience rather than avoidance. No matter what subject comes up in conversation with expectant parents, the ‘only’ child always seems to be a topic that pops up.

In my experience as a medical professional, I have learned that people’s lives are complicated. Every family is unique, and every kid deserves a mother and father who adores them more than anything else on Earth. But there’s more to it than simply mommy and daddy.

You need support as a parent

Raising a healthy child is complicated enough, but if your child is sick, it is even harder. But parenting is hard enough when you only have one healthy child too; it’s exhausting! At least it was for us; I and my husband were both in graduate schools. We had no support system or family around to help. Therefore, it is also important where you live. The country where you live can make parenting simpler or more challenging.

What do I mean by that? The country may or may not support you as a parent. The support should be your government. Yes, the government. After all, you pay taxes.

Many people do not have family support or family living close by, making it more difficult to raise a kid. Families in the United States typically only meet once a year for Thanksgiving. I understand that communities do not exist in hyped-up America. The sense of community has been destroyed since the 1980s.

There’s no more need for the entire community to raise a child, but now we have a new motto saying “that takes you and just you to raise one.”

There will be no freebies.

Many Americans subscribe to this nonsense notion. But it is okay to support the military budget with your tax money. Did you know the military budget increased by 10 billion from last year?

Hmm… strange logic.

Who is your future in the country, the military or the children?

If you choose the military, then don’t be surprised: fascism and police state are on the rise in the US. There’s a popular adage that goes, “Attention is like oxygen to a plant; when it is there, the plant grows fast.”

Every developed country has maternity or paternity leave only the US and Papua Nueva Guinea doesn’t have it.

The same goes for daycares and preschools. My friend in Spain pays zero for daycare because she and her husband work full-time. In the US, I paid 1200 dollars a month for daycare. Insane.

It is hard to raise a child if you do not have those support systems in place. Parents are struggling, mothers even more. Single mothers,fathers — I can’t even imagine. Especially in America.

Last year at Raising Family Index, they picked 35 OECD countries and measured 6 categories for the favorable condition of raising a child.

The best countries were the Nordic countries with grades A and the worst were Mexico and the US with grades F.

The US got zero for time spent with kids and safety. They pour billions into the defense budget to guarantee safety and then America ends up with zero safety.

Isn’t that a little hypocritical?

Globally, raising kids is hard but in America, especially. No wonder parents are exhausted all the time in America. I Have read a recent story on Medium.

I am Tired of Being a Woman and Mother in the United States of America

My parents divorced in 1978 when I was two years old. Right on the cusp of an accelerating divorce rate in the U.S. My…

medium.com

The mom Misty L. Heggeness writes:

I am so tired of being a woman and mother in what is the greatest country in the world. It is exhausting to live within our borders as I do. There are never enough hours in the day for me to work a full-time demanding (amazing) job and meet the constant needs of my family.

Another single father, Joshua Edward, moved to France to raise his daughter.

Does America Hate Children?

Why it’s so difficult to raise kids in the USA.

medium.com

First, being a peds nurse burned me out. I am burned out of taking care of children. I have done my share. That is what I say.

Second, the life in the US I couldn’t afford a second child because I didn’t have the time, money, and support.

How can parents afford to have children or even one? If you’re in the US, work 50 or more hours per week. How are you going to raise a child if you spend half of your income on daycare?

Why do you even go to work?

Do you see my logic? Parenting makes little sense in the US.

Third, the pandemic and climate change drove a nail into it. And in her narrative, Sara Burdick paints a lovely picture of this in her article:

“On a bit of a realist note. I dislike the direction of the world. The planet is being destroyed, we are turning against each other. We care more about money, and things that we do humans. Actual people!”

I knew what it means to be a mother before I became one. You need a village to raise the child, and that’s why my choice is having only one or none.

When I became a mom, my perspective on parenting changed even more. Raising children is tough and having just one child was the best decision for me because it gave me time to focus on my child’s needs while still being able to survive and travel.

The decision about how many children you should have can be deeply personal and emotional- so it takes some people years before deciding if they’re ready to become parents and to have a child. This process requires deep thought about your lifestyle, career, and budget- all of which may be compromised after you have children.

Parenting is a laborious task today. Especially if we don’t have anyone to help us. We should keep this in mind.

That’s why we should stop judging ourselves based on whether we have children. Or how many children we have. It is difficult for all of us. And I understood this even before becoming a mother.

Thank you for reading!