Monday Prompt

Conditions on Unconditional love? Yes! Acceptance, Open-Mindedness, and Surrender

Three practices that make it all possible.

The conditions of unconditional love?

That sounds like a zen koan, right. Unconditional love is not supposed to have any conditions. That’s what’s meant by unconditional.

But might some conditions help me get my judgemental, conditional obstacles out of the way of unconditional love?

For me, these would be acceptance, open-mindedness, and surrender.

WIth 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s amazing synchronicity, it just so happens that I have on my plate a perfect opportunity to test and practice my ability to love unconditionally.

My go-to litmus test for how I’m doing with this is my sister.

I love her deeply, madly, and unconditionally. Yes, there are moments she tries my patience. She has her quirky, non-negotiable ways of doing things, and sometimes I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Yet and still, I love her conditionally. She can’t do anything to change that, no matter how hard she might try.

How do I maintain this? With acceptance, open-mindedness, and surrender.

I’ve learned to accept her exactly as she is and for who she is, which most of the time is pretty damn amazing. I stay open-minded about areas we disagree on. I might and often do learn something.

And above all, I surrender the whole kit and kaboodle. It’s in the hands, or I put it in the hands of Divine Right Order, DRO for short! DRO knows what to do with it, even when I don’t.

A Current Situation in Which to Practice:

My close friend, who is also the out-going treasurer of our church, just moved out of state. She’s in the process of connecting with the incoming treasurer to pass the baton — passwords and vital bookkeeping/bill paying information.

(Yes, our treasurer does those things. We don’t currently have a paid bookkeeper — it’s a long story, but we can thank or blame it on COVID.)

My friend’s plan was to orient the new treasurer over Zoom before the move. I followed the progress of this day-by-day, on pins and needles myself as a fellow board member.

But she got so crunched wrapping up her local day job and organizing the church office, that did not happen!

Knowing she can Zoom from anywhere and share the info eventually did not prevent nail-biting angst.

As her friend, the best I can do is encourage, beg, cajole her into reassuring the new treasurer that it will happen. I’ve been doing so every night when we speak.

Interestingly enough, our church’s theme for March is Blessing What’s Unfolding. Life gives us great opportunities to practice this lesson during this exact month!

My practice begins with acceptance.

I am powerless to change any of this — my friend’s timetable and actions, the new treasurer’s reactions, and many email missives.

I totally get where each of them is at.

I’m fighting the urge to judge, blame, go off on my friend, or issue some kind of ultimatum. Don’t get me wrong, unconditional love does not mean anything goes. Sometimes we have to set a boundary or get ourselves out of harm’s way. But we can do this in and from our love.

That’s what I am coaching myself to do. Yes, it’s taken a lot of coaxing and self-talk. And prayer. Though I can and do make recommendations, the only person I have any real control over is moi.

My practice continues with open-mindedness.

Keeping an open mind allows new input to come in. New information, new ideas, and new understandings. Closing my mind shuts it down, and I might miss a vital piece of information that could help me deal with this situation.

For example, in reading one of the emails that flew back and forth, I noticed something I had not noticed before. My friend was planning to complete the books through the end of March, even as she shared information with and trained the new treasurer.

Once that happens, the plan is for them to work on the books together, in collaboration. But till then, she’s handling things.

When fear and anger had done a number on my mind, I had missed that little gem. It offers some reassurance which I need right now.

My practice ends with surrender.

Well, maybe not completely end, but it sounds nice in a subhead. Letting go, turning the whole thing over to DRO allows me to move from hyper-concern to a semblance of trust.

What I’ve learned over the years is when there is something I can’t control, but I very much care about the outcome, I pray about it and then turn it over to Divine Right Order. I trust the Universe, which is way more insightful, resourceful and powerful than I, to handle the situation.

It comes from twelve-step wisdom.

That wisdom says when we admit we are powerless over people, places, and things, and we believe in a Power Greater than Ourselves, we can turn a concern over to that Higher Power.

In short mantra form, it’s: I can’t. You can. Please do!

I use this mantra all the time. For some, the trick is being able to admit our powerlessness. That’s easy for me when I know I can’t make it happen on my own, like in this situation.

For some, the trick is the belief. That involves having a Higher Power — which does not have to be a traditional God at all. And it involves having faith that our Higher Power can and will handle what we give it.

It helps me to remember that my Higher Power has handled way bigger issues for me and others. And that the stakes in this issue are not life-threatening for anyone. Despite how urgent it feels!

For some, the trick is letting go. A genuine surrender should bring a trusting sense of calm and peace. It does for me. Though sometimes, it needs reinforcement. No problem. I pray and surrender again. I am willing to do it as often as I need to for the succor and relief it brings.

Spirit does not need reminding, by the way.

But I seem to! So I’m cool with that. She knows my heart and gives me lots of grace. For which I am grateful.

All this to say, my ability to love unconditionally is strong.

But its strength is based on my vigilant practice of acceptance, open-mindedness, and surrender. While these three are based on my ever-deepening connection to Spirit.

And since the practice of surrender deepens my connection to Spirit, I can’t lose! Instead of getting furious at this situation, I stay curious to see how it all unfolds while letting go of the breath I’ve been holding. Namaste!

Thank you, 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊., for this unusual but powerful prompt!

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!