Conception

A personal journey into learning how to surrender to conception

Each month, the colors of brown and reds emerge, combined with the feelings of disappointment and sadness. This journey toward conception, to opening up the womb as a place to transmute a spirit into this world is one filled with different experience from woman to woman. Here is my adventure so far.

Ever since I was a child, I had a deep sense of knowing I would one day become a mother in this life. Living through many experiences, including that as a middle child in this lifetime, I have been through edges of feelings toward pregnancy.

When I was six years old, my mom was standing in her bedroom in front of the sliding mirror doors of her closet. My older sister goofing around and jumping on the floral duvet cover of my parents’ bed. Mom put a pillow under her black tunic, and showed her profile to the mirror doors, asking, “how would you two like to have another brother or sister?”. Sidney, my sister, jumped with joy and excitement. My throat, my heart, both fell into my stomach, and space around me turned into a fisheye. I felt heartbroken. And I didn’t really know why, I just knew what I felt, and that was a sadness of being nudged into a new experience.

Nine months later, dad brought me and Sidney to the hospital where mom and Teddy were waiting for us. Everyone around me seemed to be beaming with a joyful energy, me feeling distant, as if I was separated by a long dark and cold hallway from everyone else. “He has a big red nose” is all I could say in that moment when I saw my new brother, Teddy, for the first time. Almost like the resistance between two magnets, I felt a similar feeling when looking at my new brother. Yet, something stronger seemed to connect us as brother and sister in this lifetime that swiftly disintegrated that feeling, and just turned to love. I quickly fell in love with my brother, even still harboring my feelings of heartbreak, he was irresistible, like a little elf in this world, eager and excited to be with his two older sisters all the time. I love my brother. And I love my little self that felt the anger and sadness during those years of growing up, not just with moving into the experience of middle child, but other traumas and hardships that colored my lens for many years.

In exploring some past lives that I have lived, motherhood is something that I have experienced in different ways. Once dying in childbirth after struggling to conceive for many years; another whereupon I took care of my two younger siblings after the murder of my parents, and then never having children of my own in adulthood. Amongst other past life experiences that embody more than just parenthood, my spirit has been through many lifetimes and lives lived, even chapters within this one I am embodying now.

Here I am, Julia, almost 32 years old, married to a man I call Lovebird, finally in the house that speaks to our souls, and enjoying our time with our beautiful little doodle dog, Noori. My journey toward motherhood is still one in a place of creation. We have been trying to conceive for over a year now. I had always felt that pregnancy would come easily to me, so it has been to my surprise to find myself in struggle with opening up my womb to a baby spirit.

I began this journey by removing the IUD which I had embedded in my uterus for about 12 years, to which now I regret holding space for this unnatural way of protection. But so it goes, that’s where I started. Upon removing this IUD, my body has gone into incredible detox and clearing both physical, emotional and spiritual energies. Just a few days after having the IUD removed, I had almost a week of extremely heavy bleeding. The removal was seamless, save from the unhelpful nurse that would not let me husband accompany me to help settle my nerves just because he was not “vaccinated”, and then the doctor who told me that I should seriously think about getting the “vaccine” if I wanted to get pregnant. Pff. Thanks, but no thanks, and mind your own decisions for your own body. Mine is sovereign to me.

After healing from the profuse bleeding that was unsettling in sight, I began to feel a little better. But then my Lovebird left for India to visit his family, and a month goes by of us apart, moving through different feelings toward the other in regards to the circumstances of the world. While he was away I fell violently sick with something to do with my stomach, throwing up for more than 24 hours. Yuck. I had gone to the snowy mountains with my dad earlier that day to snowshoe hike around. What a beautiful little adventure, and deep bodily clearing.

After recovering, I have gone through various other intense , tsunami- to-the-body kind of sicknesses. When reflecting, and looking at the body and the spirit in a holistic and conscious way, I can see that my body has been undergoing detox and clearing. Over the past year, my stomach area has been presenting the opportunities for releasing traumas in this life and past ones. I have spent the past 2 years familiarizing myself with my body, pregnancy and birth, and letting go of past life traumas related to the birth experience.

I felt hopeful at the beginning of this journey, thinking I would quickly become pregnant and a spirit baby was at the edge of its seat ready to jump into its life here. One month, and the courses of my menstruation start. Another month goes by, and there, blood emerges from my body. Another month, and another, and another, and so it goes, my body continuing to cycle without conception. Each month the pain one feels of the emptiness inside her womb. It is lonely, and it hurts your heart. You feel like a dark cave swallows you up, and your hope, your light and excitement for a baby feels dimmer and dimmer as each month goes by with the bloody reminder that you are not pregnant. Baby is not here yet.

The darkness within each month’s cycle builds distance from connection to spirit baby. Anger, sadness, stress and pressure flood you, making it hard to breathe, and causes your heart to turn into a knot. I have felt so alone. Alone within my own body. Sometimes feeling anger toward spirit baby because all of the efforts that I have done to clean and detox my body for a baby to thrive, the research I have done to create a natural and spiritual birth journey into this world, exploring myself and the edges of what kind of mother I would be to a baby, and baby just doesn’t come. Lonely. Heart breaks, throat falls into stomach.

Then you start to hear all of the baby announcements in the world. Your friends, family, and every way you turn, there is another woman glowing in the excitement of her beautiful news of moving into motherhood. Throat, heart, falls into stomach. Cave swallows you. Tears flood you, light dims. Lonely. Covering your face with a smile for the joy and happiness that this couple is celebrating their growth of life. And at the same time, feeling such an empty void within my body.

People tell you the road to conception is to be relaxed. So, then starts in with the judgments on myself, and moving through and out of those each month. This blame and anger on my own body, as if I’m making the mistakes; as if I’m not doing the right things to relax, to build my fertility. It is hard to experience this journey, and one that only other women who have gone through it understand.

All throughout people sharing to you the different things and approaches you can do to help build fertility and bring spirit into the womb. So, the continuous journey of tracking my cycle, using ovulation strips, scheduling sex with my husband, eating the right foods, stopping coffee (also known as god juice in my reality), meditation, supplements, detox regimens, progesterone cream, and on it goes. All beautiful things that I am happy and accepting to do. But tired. I’m so tired of the trying and then facing disappointment. The emptiness. I’m so exhausted of filling my body and soul each month to hope that baby wants to come this time.

I am a truly believe that the spirit waiting to come through me to be in this world is going to come at the time it is meant to and wants to. It’s hard to be patient. This is a lesson in surrendering, and a beautiful one at that.

Recently at a retreat that I attended on a cove in Mexico, a soul sister of mine told me to put it out of my head and just devote the next year to having fun with my husband. Tears are rolling down my face I write those words, because finally, I feel a moment of recognition to treat myself differently, and to remind myself to have fun and joy in life. A relief to allow myself to step out of feeling myself in misery and instead into the portal of joy. Something of which I’ve struggled my whole life to allow myself to do: to breathe in the realm of joy and happiness, of which is my deepest longing. To this beautiful Irish soul sister, to my own mother, my fairy godmother,I share love to you, and just as I am grateful from the depths of my heart to everyone else that has supported me on this path with love, I am still here, awaiting when baby wants to come through, and now allowing my spirit to connect to joy, happiness and freedom. To lean into my Lovebird and connect there with him. To let go a little.

A deep thought flew through me the other morning while looking into the garden, “you were meant to experience this”, and suddenly I could feel an embrace through tingles around my own arms, my back and my head, as if I were being hugged. A stroke from spirit telling me that this was meant to happen, and it’s okay, and I am on my way in my own time. It’s hard to convey this to people who aren’t spiritually connected, but the simplest way I can explain this is that baby was speaking to me with reassurance. I had asked for this, and here it was, a visceral embrace of my body, and the clear words that this is part of my journey.

I embrace this gift of learning the even deeper depths of myself, releasing parts and stories that I have told myself, because I can see with each moment, I need those less and less. Learning how to sit in my own void, and actually feel its presence, I am coming to feel love in this void. Exploring its reaches and its curves. Even though feelings and emptiness still come through, I am grateful to know this path. I am learning. I am observing. I am wise. And I am love. And connecting to that… It is knowing all, and bringing love into everything.

Dear baby,

I started this journey with a feeling that it was going to be seamless and fluid. This has not been that way, at least not in the way I thought seamless would be, but I heard you one day, tell me that this was meant to be, and that you are on your way. I felt your embrace.

I just want you to know what I am creating here for you and what kind of mother I will be to you when you choose to come through. I know your spirit, and I love that we are already speaking to each other now. I am connecting to my womb, filling it with love and protection, clearing my physical and spiritual body of toxins and stuck energies so that there is a place for you to grow in a womb that is like a vast jungle for you to play, discover and explore.

When you finally come into this world, I will birth you in the most natural way that I can do, and protect your body from the toxins that I can. I will nourish you with the best foods that I can reach, and I will always reach for better things as I continue to learn myself more and more. I will be the curious and loving mother, watching you grow into exactly who you want to experience yourself as in this lifetime. I will continuously lay out fertile ground for you to create your own expression, and I will celebrate this every day. I will be a mirror for you when you need it, a grounded, fierce and wise protector, I will push you when you need pushing, and step away when you want to spread your wings. I will see you. I will love you every day for your true essence, and I will always stay committed to energizing who you truly are. I will listen to you, I will sit with what you feel, and I will encourage you to make your own discoveries. We will celebrate love together, and witness beauties in this world.

I cannot even express fully through words, just how excited I am to learn with you, teaching one another the wisdoms of everything and beyond, unlocking the magic and light surrounding us. I am here, creating love and jungle for you, clearing a starlit place for you to grow. Until we meet in this element, I love you.

With all my heart and all my light,

Love mom