Composing Reveals Another Side Of Me That I Really Miss

A personal essay on my composing journey

Few people know that I love composing. I don’t blame them because I don’t compose often enough. But the desire to create something beautiful isn’t easily satisfied just by writing alone and even though I’m most fulfilled by poetry, fiction, and introspective writing, I’ve realized that something was deeply missing and I’ve only grown more painfully aware of it during the past two years.

I started composing three days ago and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “This is it. This is what I need more of in my life.”

Composing is quite a daunting art form. And I’m not talking about being successful or having your work featured in films… just starting it and getting the basics down has a steeper learning curve than most creative endeavors. No wonder fewer people do it.

Knowledge of music theory is essential. Taking a year’s worth of music theory lessons would be adequate, but the more you know and the more advanced techniques you try, the better. You need to know how to play at least one musical instrument. It’s also good to possess an intuitive sense for what melodies sound good to an audience and what fits a particular theme you’re trying to express without words, which separates legendary composers from just average ones (although I have to say that any average composer is still pretty talented, considering how difficult composing is).

I still do not know if composing comes naturally to me — and I question whether that really matters. All I know is that I feel more in tune with myself and whatever self-inflicted tension I feel about various weaknesses I have as a person disappear the moment I start composing.

How it all started

I grew up listening to a ton of classical music and Celtic instrumental music. With every great piece I loved, in the back of my mind, I was constantly thinking, “I need to make beautiful music like this someday.”

Perhaps that was a sign that I was destined to become a composer — I can’t say for sure, but I knew that I wanted to compose a soul-stirring masterpiece to feel like I really made my life worthwhile.

But my attempt at composing didn’t begin until I was in 10th grade (back in 2009).

Firstly, there was a PTA Reflections Contest, which happened at our school every year. The most popular categories were writing and visual arts, but I guess only five people entered in the music composition category. On a whim, I decided that I was going to compose instead of writing or drawing something.

I remember sitting in the living room, composing the best melody I could think of at that time. It was a one-minute long piano piece in A-major. I didn’t know anything about music software at the time. I composed it rather quickly and wrote the entire piece by hand on sheet music paper I got from The Music & Arts Center. I recorded it to a CD with my Windows XP laptop and low-budget microphone.

When it was done, I happily slipped the CD and the handwritten sheet music into a large envelope and handed it to an administrator at the front desk of the school. Even if I didn’t win, going through the process itself was immensely rewarding because I got to complete something that I wanted to do and didn’t let the difficulties stop me.

I don’t exactly remember how long it took for the contest results to come in, but to my surprise, I won first place. The person who was in second place was a senior who intended to major in music at Berklee, and that made me even more stunned. The first piece I’ve ever composed was good enough to win first place? Unbelievable!

My composing attempts didn’t stop there. For English class, our teacher assigned us a creative project relating to Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. There were 10 options — writing a short story, making a video, and drawing were a few examples. I’m surprised that she included composing as an option as well, considering how few people do it. The challenge was to compose the soundtrack to 10 scenes in the play. I was the only one who attempted it and my teacher thought that I accurately captured the mood of each scene. My melodies were catchy and relevant to what I was trying to capture, despite my limitations as a beginner.

Getting back into composing after 10+ years

Unfortunately, I was extremely busy and stressed out as a college student and post-grad. After graduation, I didn’t attempt to compose at all, since there were obviously more important things to do.

But 2020 was the year where I really had to sit down with myself and consider what I wanted to do creatively. In the back of my mind, I did want to compose, but I had a stronger pull towards writing.

What felt more important to me at the start of 2020 was to establish a daily writing habit (and sometimes publishing multiple times a day when I had the time). It was objectively more doable to complete a piece of writing than a piece of music within a day.

But now something’s changed. I’ve been procrastinating on music so long and neglected that side of myself that I feel more tense and anxious, the longer I kept waiting to do it.

So recently I sat down and composed my first piece. The entire process showed me that I had never lost my musical knowledge and that I had an intuitive sense for how composing works. Even though MuseScore isn’t exactly the most user-friendly software for music, I quickly caught on and input my notes without much hassle.

I didn’t start with a specific idea — all I wanted to do was break out of a creative rut and get reacquainted with the basics.

I was ecstatic when I finally finished the piece. It wasn’t perfect or particularly complex, but I had to get over the fear of not composing something extraordinary right away, otherwise I’d get nothing done. After a decade of neglecting my musical side, I finally reunited with a part of myself again.

There would be time to improve and refine my techniques later. Each new piece I compose would help strengthen the artist within and improve the way I capture imaginary scenes and profound emotions.

Composing brings me great joy and a sense of renewal. I’d describe the feeling as a new beginning and a return home at the same time. The act of translating an abstract idea in your head into musical notes is nothing short of magical.

In the near future, however, I am not expecting anything grand — I just want to make composing a regular part of my life and see where it takes me.

I may be nowhere near where I want to be, and I am aware that I may never become as great as my favorite composers, such as Thomas Bergersen and Joe Hisaishi, but I also know that I’ll never become decently good at writing music if I never sit down to finish anything or establish any sort of consistency.

I’ll need to compose a piece every week and practice a variety of techniques before I can identify what my signature style really is.

And this is the year I want to make that happen.

Below you can hear the result. This is what I came up with after not composing anything for over 10 years. Keep in mind that I am still very much a beginner. I decided to post it publicly, so that I may document my progress and have something to look back on.