Comparing Yourself to Google Results is a Terrible Idea

So much of our stress in dating comes from comparing ourselves to what we understand as the “normal” for where we live and what we project others in our dating pool have experienced. Feeling unusual in your experience or outside the norm might feel like a disadvantage and lead to some deep introspection and heavy doubt. Then, oh then, even against our best instincts, we turn to Mother Google. Bad idea.

It’s totally natural, and probably healthy, to wonder how society operates where you live and what most folks do, and how they do it. However, many times, the avalanche of information, much too close to our fingertips, pushes us downward, spiraling into deep dives of the digital wonderland, populated from countless curious daters before us. Just ask for a Google search bar and you’ll see you’re not alone in your thoughts. At what age do people get married now? What’s the average number of sexual partners for a ___ year old? How long should you wait to ___ until you ___? Not to mention the millions of questions regarding the intimacies of sex and bodies, and wondering if what you have or what you’re experiencing is normal or common. The rabbit hole goes as deep as you let it and I think we’ve all been in a place where we get in too deep and wonder, why even keep trying? I’m a freak, an addict, a closeted everything. And wait, I’m so vanilla, so basic — oh my god, I’m a prude. And apparently, I’m dying of a rare disease no one’s ever heard of and this very reliable self-diagnosis is starting a minor panic attack.

The internet. Our best friend and worst enemy for self-doubt. And what a perfect place to try and find answers for things you might not want to talk about with friends or family, right? I’ll just sit here and quietly research my curiosity rather than suffering potential shame in asking an in-person resource. Here’s the problem: For as many sex-positive, healthy resources you can find that might assuage some fears and self-doubt, there are a hundred contradicting opinions shoving you in the other direction. What’s interesting nowadays in contrast to previous generations is how many people will express, candidly, their experiences and opinions on a thousand different platforms, and sometimes we forget to vet our sources. Access to video, podcast, blog, and expert websites on just one tiny subject is enough to keep you busy for weeks with the smallest question. On rare occasions, the least credible source that says the most salacious things will be the one that sticks with you and plagues your thoughts. Yikes.

Here’s a good stopping point that I implore you to try to put to use next time you dive too deep: As soon as what you’re reading goes from being interesting and fun to triggering anxiety, panic or self-doubt, shut it down. STOP. Maybe you started off researching fun date ideas in anticipation of a second date which led you to glass blowing which led you to blowjob classes which led you to… oh, wait, am I supposed to be doing blowjob classes now with dates and what do I even know about “mind-blowing blowjobs” and now I need to read and watch everything about that… STOP. Text a friend about that latest episode of whatever. Play a round of online scrabble. Get out of that headspace for a second. Oh, how about I just look up a quick article on how yoga can improve mental health… oh, tantric is kinda fun, that looks nice ya know, no need to place emphasis on the orgasm I just- wait, oh shit, how did I open fifteen tabs of articles about erectile dysfunction?!… STOP.

If it’s a medical issue, use that time to reach out to an online doctor or make an appointment with yours. The other beautiful thing about the internet is that online doctors are a thing now and VERY accessible and affordable for quick check-ins and they can let you know if you need to make an in-person appointment. I remember getting a prescription for a UTI through an online consultation in an emergency situation where I didn’t have time to leave work for an appointment and needed something fast — friggin’ miracle. Same goes for therapists. A wealth of online therapy platforms exist to get you some support very quickly or even texting crisis counselors that help you reach a calmer moment.

So, maybe you’ve done some (not stressful) research and it’s clear you fall outside the norm on something. What then? You have a choice. Let it destroy your confidence or find a way to celebrate it. I notice as I get older, my stats line up much differently against the national norms when compared to my younger years. I inch closer to the periphery in my age group for things like marriage, kids, number of partners and the like — but not necessarily when I take into account my city, my career path, my spiritual beliefs and my social circles. The important factor to consider with all this information is, are we using these comparisons to feel empowerment or shame? (Hint: Don’t choose shame.) It wasn’t always this way, but now I feel quite happy with where I land in the spectrum of dating because I know why I’m here and I thrive on my experience. Think of it this way — when you are unique in your experience, your voice on that experience matters even more. My abnormal social stats are my superpower and I revel in them. Similarly, my past body anxieties that I’ve come to terms with make me stronger in character and not surprisingly, allow others to be more vulnerable about theirs.

People, give yourself a break. Stop worrying about the average schmoe and take it easy on the online deep dives. Your wonderfully weird self is probably just fine. What’s interesting is that the more you date, the more you discover it’s not that there is a particular group of intimidatingly normal people without baggage to reveal, it’s that they’ve accepted their idiosyncrasies and exude confidence that allows them to relax and be released from judgment…at least for now.

The other part of all this is, the person that should be dating you will be able to handle your abnormalities just as you should be able to accept theirs. It’s a two-way street. Coming to terms with where you don’t match the average creates space to be more accepting of others who skew towards the edge of a spectrum too. Anyone who thinks otherwise likely has some dark secrets they don’t want to face. When you like someone, when you’ve taken the time to get truly close and you’ve earned some trust, you can handle some not normal. Enjoy your off brand qualities and everybody wins. So go forth and date, you lovable weirdos.

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