avatarBarbara Andres

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Abstract

brothers were Davyjayed to make room, and ho boy did the anesthesia for THAT scag-up our host, but it’s still a clown car in here. We’ve still had to endure four — FOUR! — rounds. Braces. Clear aligners. Clear aligners. Clear aligners.</p><p id="1286">Four times in 20 years. Five stages of grief. And it’s still a long, long, way to number five. Acceptance.</p><ol><li>Denial. You’re putting BRACES on us? You’re scagging kidding! You’re 40! Try it sometime. Wrap a piece of wire around your middle for two years then keep tightening. It may not kill you, but it sure doesn’t make you a happy camper. Especially if your main gig is smiling. There’s not much to smile about when you’re in teeth jail.</li><li>Anger. Five years after the railroad tracks came off, she lost her retainer. WTF? NOT AGAIN! What is WRONG with you? Clear retainers this time, praise Goddess Tooth Fairy. Still, you spend two years smashed together in tighter and tighter plastic cages and you start feeling like Russian nesting dolls itching for a fight.</li><li>Bargaining. Another lost retainer. Hey, c’mon, let’s not do this again. Plea

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se? You can eat all the taffy you ever want, use us to open beer bottles, whatever you like! Please don’t do this.</li><li>Depression. By now she’s pushing 60 and she just bought another round. Why doesn’t she give up? Why don’t we all give up? Let’s just stay in bed and never get up again. It’s hopeless.</li></ol><p id="f96b">Hey, we just want to live free. Keep us clean and all, floss if you have to, but let us do our thang!</p><div id="7cfd" class="link-block"> <a href="https://barbaraandres.medium.com/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - a grain of infinity</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>barbaraandres.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*FxmOPzMWotXsRy-Q)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

SELF CARE

It’s a Clown Car In Here

A mouthful of rant

Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

So my 31 ivory siblings and I were freakidentally born in a mouth that’s too damn small to fit us, making us crowd together in the most random way. A schmangie situation none of us deserved!

It wouldn’t be so bad if we lived in a country not committed to orthodontists’ children all getting Ivy League educations. No, this is America, where anyone who wasn’t born with a perfect, even set of chompers is subject to vilipendescence their entire scaggin’ lives. Just because we don’t comparallel. It’s not right.

Our two youngest brothers were Davyjayed to make room, and ho boy did the anesthesia for THAT scag-up our host, but it’s still a clown car in here. We’ve still had to endure four — FOUR! — rounds. Braces. Clear aligners. Clear aligners. Clear aligners.

Four times in 20 years. Five stages of grief. And it’s still a long, long, way to number five. Acceptance.

  1. Denial. You’re putting BRACES on us? You’re scagging kidding! You’re 40! Try it sometime. Wrap a piece of wire around your middle for two years then keep tightening. It may not kill you, but it sure doesn’t make you a happy camper. Especially if your main gig is smiling. There’s not much to smile about when you’re in teeth jail.
  2. Anger. Five years after the railroad tracks came off, she lost her retainer. WTF? NOT AGAIN! What is WRONG with you? Clear retainers this time, praise Goddess Tooth Fairy. Still, you spend two years smashed together in tighter and tighter plastic cages and you start feeling like Russian nesting dolls itching for a fight.
  3. Bargaining. Another lost retainer. Hey, c’mon, let’s not do this again. Please? You can eat all the taffy you ever want, use us to open beer bottles, whatever you like! Please don’t do this.
  4. Depression. By now she’s pushing 60 and she just bought another round. Why doesn’t she give up? Why don’t we all give up? Let’s just stay in bed and never get up again. It’s hopeless.

Hey, we just want to live free. Keep us clean and all, floss if you have to, but let us do our thang!

Humor
Teeth Straightening
MWC
Claustrophobia
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