Common Pitfalls in Polyamory

Mistakes to avoid as you explore open relationships

Bountiful love, connection, and community are huge perks of being in multiple loving relationships simultaneously. Polyamory also brings some unique challenges and pitfalls. Along with the same issues many monogamous couples experience, those embarking in polyamorous relationships should be on the lookout for these common mistakes.

Focusing on “Fairness”

My boyfriend once dated a woman who was very focused on fairness and equity. She would keep tabs on how many hours or days he’d spent with me that week versus how many she’d had with him, and then get upset when the numbers didn’t match.

This kind of judgement of relationship equity is rarely healthy. The amount of time you’re able to set aside for one partner or another has so many contributing factors. Commitments to family, children, social engagements and more all take up space in your calendar. Carving out equal pieces of time for every person or activity in your life isn’t workable or realistic.

Fairness is not the same thing as equality or respect. The focus in relationships should be not on fairness, but on whether all participants are having their needs met. One partner may be content with a weekend afternoon once or twice a month, while another partner needs attention and connection a few times a week. They’re not getting equal time, but that’s okay, because both are happy with what they’re getting.

Creating Rules Based on Fear

Boundaries and agreements are imperative in all relationships, and form the basis for good, healthy polyamorous relationships. The fear of being replaced or abandoned is one of the most common, especially in relationships that have moved from monogamy into being open. Often, creating rules to make themselves feel safer or less afraid is the first instinct folks have in response to that fear.

Rules without thoughtful intention won’t do anything to protect your relationship or your heart. In fact, they won’t even eliminate the fear that caused you to impose them in the first place. Rather than telling your partner what they can’t do, focusing on your commitment, respect for each other, and individual needs will help you build a strong foundation to return to.

Letting go of fear can seem impossible, but if you can manage it, the freedom to be found incredible. Focus on what you need, what makes you feel secure, and about getting to know your limits and desires. Polyamory requires you to get to know yourself and articulate what you’re feeling. Fear-based rules preemptively bar your partner from activities that have the potential to cause some feeling at some future time. Knowledge-based boundaries give you the voice to tell your partner what you need based on how you’re feeling right now.

Using the Community as a Dating Service

Discovering the polyamorous community after years of feeling alone or different can be life-changing. Finding out that there are words for the things you’ve been feeling, and people who feel the same way is really exciting. Whether it’s through Facebook groups, local munches and meetups, or forums and discussion groups, the polyamorous community can provide an amazing place to find support and connection.

Eagerness is wonderful, but immediately flirting with or asking out everyone you think is cute or available should be avoided. This kind of blanket interest often makes people feel like you’re more interested in the dates than the people you’re going on them with. Jumping immediately into assessing everyone as a potential hookup takes the focus away from being intentional about what you’re doing and with whom.

Of course, people in poly groups will make love connections, as with any group that spends time together. Focusing your energy on letting it happen naturally and building friendships will ensure now only that things go smoothly, but that you’ll still have that community if those relationships don’t work out. So much of polyamory is about consent and respect, and showing that you’re not just there to pick up potential partners is important.

Letting NRE Run Rampant

New relationship energy (NRE) is delicious. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, daydreaming, tingly, first kisses phase of a relationship that it’s impossible to get enough of.

In a monogamous relationship, NRE is just exciting and full of anticipation. In polyamorous relationships, it can create a situation where you’re feeling the excitement but your current partner(s) are feeling neglected or ignored.

We’ve all had that impulse to spend every moment possible with our new, shiny partner. It’s especially important during these times to remember that different isn’t better, it’s just different, and there is enough of you to go around.

The best way to get through NRE is just to be aware of it. Growing out of it is a normal progression, whether you develop a strong and steady relationship or the connection runs its course. NRE can be a great source of energy to channel into existing relationships; open the gates and let some of that tender, buzzy excitement invigorate your time with your existing partners.

Making Assumptions

Unless this is the first thing you’ve read about polyamorous relationships, you’ve seen the word communication over and over. Good communication is the key to successful polyamory. We communicate all the time, about all the things. We communicate about communicating.

Sex is one of the best examples of the importance of avoiding assumptions. Let’s say you have an agreement with your partner that there is no sex on the first date with a new metamour. Simple, right? But what does that mean to you? Is your definition of sex intercourse, and anything else is a green light? What if your partner considers oral or manual stimulation sex? Assuming that you were both on the same page about that one little word can lead to misunderstandings, or worse, the possibility of someone crossing a line they didn’t know existed.

Assumptions can undermine communication in a heartbeat. Getting on the same page with your partner means being specific. Don’t talk about “dating,” talk about the specific activities you would or wouldn’t be okay with engaging in or with your partner engaging in. Define your terms, specifically and intentionally, talk about your boundaries, and make sure you communicate before the fact to avoid issues.

Taking Sides

In a monogamous relationship, the balance is ideally equal. Two people, two points of view, two opinions. Polyamory makes things a bit more complicated, with the potential for an imbalance which can lead to taking sides.

Feeling ganged up on is never fun. By entering into relationships with more than one person, we’re creating the opportunity for two or more people to take sides against the other. Once again, communication is the most important thing. If one partner is feeling like another is taking sides, they need to feel safe and confident expressing that feeling.

Polyamorous relationships also create the potential for taking sides when breakups happen, especially if you have a relationship with both parties, whether it’s romantic or as friends. Think about how you’ll handle these situations before they happen, and have a plan. It’s impossible to predict how things will go, or know exactly what the future holds. Being aware and preparing goes a long way towards making difficult situations easier to manage.

Not Pausing to Breathe

I’ve watched many couples open their relationships, and the dance of two-steps-forward-one-step-back is extremely common. Jumping feet first into polyamory can feel really good, but sometimes it can start to feel like too much too fast.

Humans have instincts for a reason, and sharing your instincts and feelings with your partner keeps your connection alive and healthy. Taking a pause to check in with each other about how things are going, what you’re feeling, and what you’re excited about doing next is important. Relationships are living things that need to be nurtured and paid attention to.

Taking a step back to regroup does not make you a failure. It just makes you human. It’s okay to admit that you need a little bit of space to breathe, or time to focus in on your relationship with your existing partner(s). It’s okay to change your mind and grow your ideas before you continue your exploration.

Letting Jealousy Stop You

One of the most common misconceptions about polyamory is that polyamorous people don’t get jealous. Feeling jealous doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or “bad at” polyamory. It just means you’re human! Jealousy can be an amazing tool and teach you a lot about yourself.

Don’t be afraid of feeling jealous. When you start to feel jealous, try to step back instead of letting the knee-jerk reaction to run take you over.

In our culture, we’re taught that if you feel jealous it’s bad, and something must be wrong and needs to be fixed. The reality is that jealousy is just another emotion, and on its own it isn’t a bad thing. Rather than letting jealous feelings put the brakes on what you’re doing, learning to drill down into the jealousy and figure out where it’s really coming from can help you and your relationships grow.

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