Coming Up Even

Summary

The poem "Dying sooner than later" reflects on the author's personal journey with mortality, trust, and transformation, emphasizing the acceptance of life's impermanence and the pursuit of living authentically.

Abstract

The poem delves into the author's contemplation of life when faced with the hypothetical of having only a year left to live. It portrays a raw and honest exploration of fear, including the fear of being forgotten or remembered, and the struggle to balance the present with the infinite. The author describes a quest for self-trust and security, despite feeling like "disposable garbage," and the desire to be at peace with the natural cycle of life and death. The poem conveys a sense of humility and renewal, rejecting sentimentality and lists of regrets, and instead embracing the fluidity of existence. The author commits to living truthfully, without explanation or goodbyes, and to finding joy in the face of the "inherent disappearing act" of life.

Opinions

The author views life as a continuous movement towards death, with every action influenced by this awareness.
There is an acknowledgment of a dual fear: of being forgotten and of being remembered, which the author terms "the New Big Lonely."
The author expresses a deep trust in themselves, despite feeling worthless, and emphasizes the importance of building a relationship with their body and spirit.
The poem reflects on the importance of surrendering while remaining grounded, and the pursuit of security for oneself and one's loved ones.
The author wishes to be buried under a cedar tree, symbolizing the acceptance of their flaws and the inevitability of being recycled by Earth.
There is a rejection of sentimentality and a commitment to living authentically, without clinging to the past or making plans for the future.
The author plans to face death with humor and joy, leaving behind laughter and encouraging others to enjoy life's transient nature.

Dying sooner than later, a poem

Someone asked me what I would do If I only had a year to live and I reply, I am moving in the direction of death, evermore, every hour.

I ride the line of comfort and discomfort like a wild bull I am incessantly turned on Everything I do is in effort to dissolve fear Fear of being forgotten Fear of being remembered, This is the New Big Lonely.

And in this space I see every obstacle Always a strand of fear A tension between the present and infinity A difficulty in allowing myself to embody both And be here now stretching myself forward I am already gone Stretching Myself back I am made of guilt and grief Everything I do is in an effort To be open A conduit for comfort and discomfort This is the only thing I've ever been good at And I've always been bad at it.

Even though I am totally disposable garbage, I TRUST MYSELF.

I touch myself building relationship with this body I listen in the astral realms without force Only the exertion of execution, which is to go limp.

To surrender while remaining Settled Tethered Secure.

Everything I do is in order To build security An ancient quest For my family for the collective for me as I transform For the promise of change and the essence of evolution I would like to be buried beneath a cedar tree That reflects the acidity of my system The way I've often kept myself sizzling in bitterness And the way none of that matters now, I will be recycled either way Honored by the efficiency of Earth Hollowed by the determination of Water Relieved from the incessant air Returning to the bliss of everlasting fire

Even though I am totally disposable garbage I TRUST MYSELF.

The time between now and then is inevitably long and short More than a moment less than I might like If I were to be in a sentimental state.

This interim for me represents the humility I've cultivated That has curdled again and again .. spoiled… rotten … And renewed itself the way things do,

Naturally.

I've been scared of Spirit and scared of humans Shut down sandwiched in the middle Like cheap bologna smelling pretty bad Left in the sun on a gorgeous day like today I will definitely not get into naming things that I would miss I will not make lists of what to do or where to be I will live more than ever as a cloud floating through Absorbing and releasing, Emoting.

I will answer peoples questions in ways that feel true to me Without explaining myself Welcoming them into the mystery that is preparing To eat me alive.

I will not say goodbye.

Though I may cry Letting the fear pass through The guilt the shame the grief All and any heaviness That would weigh me down as I take flight I’ve always had a thing against limbo The ongoing evasion of one’s own razor’s edge,

I plan to swim the golden thread.

Into the darkness I trail my laughter to stir the loins Of those I leave behind May they too be blessed with this fortune Of having FUN in our inherent Disappearing Act.