College Made Me Do It

Death to the friend group, boyfriend, and comfort

I go to college this month. I go to college this month, but without my ex-friends, ex-boyfriend, and the comfort of my home. I am forced to start a new way of life with new people, a new environment, and a new routine.

College made my friend group split this summer. College made me break up with my boyfriend of two and a half years so that we can have the “college experience.” College made me leave a home of supportive family and a dog that I love so much I would marry.

Death to the friend group began when one of us started to explore who they really were. This is something I am all for, although, not when it results in a new character that I know is really not that person, but rather a fake wanna-be version of that person who is still on their journey of discovering who they are. My friend Kenny, a fake version of himself, began to hang out with a different group of people, band nerds. This was obviously not the worst possible choice of people, but definitely an interesting crowd. They also hung out with one specific girl, Katie, that they made a huge riot about. They called themselves “Katie and the Soft Boys.” Soft boys? Who knows what that means, but Kenny was having fun.

Jealousy struck like lightning in a huge thunderstorm. We missed Kenny, but he didn’t miss us as much as we thought he would. The second step to the friend group’s destruction was the random hate Kenny developed for his ex-best friend Logan. Oddly enough, Logan is currently in a relationship with Katie, which is the girl involved in Kenny’s new and improved friend group. Maybe there is some tension there around who gets to date Katie? Personally, I think Kenny probably has a crush on Katie for the reason that Logan is dating her. Boys am I right?

While Logan and Kenny were having their own personal problems, Kenny drifted away from us even more. Logan was left confused as to why his best friend all the sudden wanted nothing to do with him. It was obvious that Logan was upset, but for some reason, neither Logan or Kenny had enough in them to approach the other and talk about what was going on. The friend group began to crumble more and more as both Kenny and Logan began to drift apart.

The third step in the process of my friend group’s death was my busy summer. I spent most of my summer traveling or working. I began to notice early on that I was not getting an invite to most hang outs after I was unavailable because of work or I was out of town. It appeared that my friends became less interested in spending time with me. Maybe they just got tired of my absence and dismissed me all together for the ease of organizing hang outs. The only person that invited me to hang out with the friend group was my boyfriend Dominic, who spent a lot more time with our friends this summer than I did. Since I was so busy, I became less of a constant in our friend group, which aided in the process of the complete death of us.

Finally, the boys in the group decided to separate themselves from the girls in the group. By girls I mean me and one other girl named Emily. The guys started hanging out more less with us. Emily and I definitely grew jealous and a tad confused since this split was sudden and uncalled for. The boys created an epic summer bucket list that they were determined to complete. For most of the events on the bucket list, Emily or I were there for its completion, so we never understood why we weren’t allowed to be part of the group that gets to check off boxes on the list. The boys would hang out altogether knowing that Emily or I would have been available to hang out, but still didn’t send us an invite. Of course I couldn’t of invited myself so instead I grew upset and angry, which only hurt me. Now, we have reached the point where my friend group has fizzled out. We aren’t as strong together anymore and it is as if the past three years of friendship had been dismissed. Since college was fast approaching, I guess it was easier to just let the friendships die.

All good things come to an end right? I guess so.

Following the death of the friend group came the death to my high school relationship. Dominic and I had built so many memories together during high school that it was very hard to let go, but we knew it was the right thing to do. We had aided each other through classes, college admission, and finally making our college decision. We had the conversation about staying together past high school during our Junior year and decided that it would end for us after high school. Zip zap. Like it never happened. A heart breaking situation for 18-year-olds who had been each other’s first love.

My biggest mistake was having this conversation with Dominic way earlier than either of us needed to have it. I noticed that I began to value our time together so much more, but also I began to torture myself as I was aware that certain things we did together would be our last. Our last Christmas together, our last birthday’s that we would celebrate together, our last this and that. I knew it would all come to an end the whole time that I should just be enjoying my time with this person.

I also put myself in an awful mindset. When Dominic did something over and over that upset me, instead of just deciding to break up, I stayed with him because I knew we would break up eventually anyways. I didn’t have the strength I needed to let him go because he was my best friend who I had great times with, but also because we already had an expiration date. I could find a thousand excuses to stay with him, but the biggest one was always that we were bound to expire before college, so I should just enjoy my time with him now. This reason alone is one I never told anyone but myself. I knew it was wrong and silly, but frankly I am 18 and still have a lot to learn.

There it came, college. The end to my relationship came with the start of college. I am heartbroken, yet am excited for the opportunities ahead. The tombstone was already carved and laid labeling the death of my high school love. Death to my boyfriend of two and a half years. Zip zap. Like it never happened.

Following the death of my high school relationship was all comfort I knew. Now, this is something all incoming freshman to any college has felt at one point or another. The loss of comfort is scary. My room in my home is my favorite space. I love my bed and all my decorations, plants, books, posters. These are all the things that make me who I am and make me excited and creative and college is telling me I have to leave this room and go live in this totally new environment? Are you kidding? Nope, they weren’t kidding.

I have to leave a space I am at peace in, but that means I also have to live away from my family that supports me, feeds me, cares for me, and so much more. That is horrific! How do people do life alone, let alone adult! I do not want to leave my family, period. The positive is that I have something to look forward to when I come home and am lucky enough to have a family that I will miss. I also can’t express just how much I will miss my dog. He is the most spunky guy and the idea that kills me the most is the fact that he has no clue that I have to up and leave for a while. Breaks my heart. There it is, the death of my comfort.

College made me do it: death to my friendships, relationship, and comfort. All of these things now broken just a little.

I am lucky to have had the opportunities to learn and grow from each one of these situations. I know the value of friendship and what it is like to experience the loss of friends that were once everything. I have learned what I do and don’t like in a relationship and the importance of letting myself grow alone these next few years. I know the value and how lucky I am to have a family that loves me as much as mine does. While college has been the death of many great things in my life, it will also be the beginning of many more great things. It will start my personal growth journey and I will be able to get out of my comfort zone.

While death brings many sad emotions, it also brings opportunity for growth.

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