Great Jokes of the Western World — Twisted Logic

Clown Jokes and Logic Bombs

Mind food for shining wits

Senseless

Just thinking about the word ‘scent’. Is it the ‘S’ or the ‘C’ that’s silent…?

Stout denial

Obese people do block the footpath, there’s no getting around it.

Pop culture

Next time you see someone doing a crossword, lean over, and whisper to them, “Seven up is lemonade.”

Earnestly

Well, to be frank…

I’d have to change my name.

Herd it here first

A dairy farmer looked at his cattle in the field and counted 196. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Drinks are on the horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks if the horse is an alcoholic, considering it’s just staggered out of the bar across the street. The horse puts its head on one side, considers and says, “I don’t think I am.”

Poof! The horse disappears.

This is the point where all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with Déscartes famous proposition cogito ergo sum, meaning “I think, therefore I am.”

But if I were to explain that beforehand, I would be putting Déscartes before the horse.

The dark side

I came home late one night and was totally delighted to find that someone had stolen all my lamps.

Airbust

If an airliner’s black box flight recorder is able to be recovered intact after a crash, why don’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?

An ill wind

Farting in elevators is wrong on so many levels.

Making a splash

A guy knocked on my door, and when I opened it, he asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

Would row

After the plane crash the pilot, co-pilot, and Tom Hanks struggle ashore on the remote desert island.

With three of them, they get a lot done, they have many adventures, they have life pretty good.

Apart from being lost on a desert island for years, of course.

But hey, they make the most of it. They rig up a net using videotape from one of the packages, and they play beach volleyball. A bit rough, a little lopsided, but they have fun.

They sit around the campfire, once they figure out how to get one started, talking long into the night, solving all the problems of the world.

One day, digging in the sand, they discover an old lamp. When the pilot uses his tattered uniform jacket to shine it up a little, a genie appears, looks at the three ragged castaways, and says, “I will grant you one wish each. Think carefully before you ask. These things have a way of going wrong.”

The co-pilot immediately flings his hands in the air, screams for joy, and shouts, “I wish I was back home in bed with my wife!”

Poof! He vanishes.

The pilot jumps up, yells, “Me too!” and likewise disappears in a flash.

Silence. The genie looks at Tom Hanks, who is pondering exactly how that last wish might have panned out.

“Just hang on a second. I’m thinking. This is critical. I can do great good for humanity with one wish.”

He looks at the volleyball, picks it up, starts mumbling to it, “If mmm only… No, if you could just you know, talk… I wish… No, mustn’t even think it…”

An hour goes by. Tom Hanks is still mumbling to the volleyball, a Wilson brand volleyball, as it happens. The genie checks his watch.

“Well?”

Tom, still holding the volleyball, says, “I need more time. I can’t do this by myself. It’s too important. I’ve got to get the wording exactly right, I just wish my friends were back here to help me.”

Not on the team

There’s no I in denial.

Keeping mum

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but really meant amother.

Sole trader

Did you ever think it odd that the game Monopoly is only made by one company?

The jig is up

I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed a jigsaw puzzle in one day.

The box says 2–4 years.

Britni

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