avatarJenn M. Wilson

Summary

The author is grappling with depression and anxiety, exacerbated by a challenging job, a complicated family situation post-divorce, and uncertain romantic relationships, but is determined to prioritize self-care and personal growth.

Abstract

The author of the article openly shares their personal struggles with depression, anxiety, and the complexities of their personal life. They discuss the impact of their job's overwhelming demands, the emotional toll of shared custody of their children, and the insecurities arising from their current relationship with Jeremy. Despite these challenges, the author is making efforts to manage their mental health, seeking connection and validation while also setting boundaries. They reflect on past relationships and the lessons learned, and although they are hopeful about the future, they are prepared to move forward independently if necessary, even considering getting a cat as a companion. The article serves as a raw and honest outlet for the author's thoughts and emotions during a tumultuous period in their life.

Opinions

  • The author feels that their job is beyond their capacity, leading to procrastination and overthinking.
  • They express a deep emotional connection to their children, who serve as a significant motivation for them to stay alive and hopeful.
  • The author experiences anxiety and insecurity in their relationship with Jeremy, particularly regarding communication and the potential for a long-term future together.
  • They acknowledge their own patterns in relationships, including a tendency to seek validation and a history of staying in unhealthy dynamics.
  • The author has reservations about Jeremy's commitment, based on his communication habits and a previous conversation about the challenges of blending families.
  • They have a clear understanding of their self-worth and are prepared to prioritize their peace and mental health over an unsatisfying relationship.
  • The author values the connection they have with their friends but recognizes the limitations due to differing life stages and priorities.
  • They are considering alternative forms of companionship, such as adopting a cat, as a positive step regardless of their relationship status.
  • The author is introspective about their past relationships, recognizing both the positive and negative aspects, and has grown to assert their needs and boundaries.

Climbing Out of the Depression Spiral

The vortex is trying to suck me back down.

Photo by Brook Anderson on Unsplash

This isn’t a fancy article for a publication. This won’t be proofread. There are loads of typos. It’s just a raw dump of what’s been in my brain for sanity’s sake. Maybe the content will eventually fuel a formal submission, but for now…this isn’t it.

Dear Diary…

Damn, my posts lately have been depresssssiiinnnggg.

I didn’t have enough distractions. My job has me in way over my head and instead of slowly chipping away at the work, I procrastinate. Then my anxiety jumps and my brain has nothing to do but overthink.

I don’t have my kids every day. They’re my perfect brain distraction. But then I contrast my life without them and the pain is unbearable. I’m not a “real” parent because I’m part-time. It’s like I quit parenthood but want the Lite edition. Dammit I didn’t mean to write about that, but now I’m crying.

My kids are the reason I stayed alive instead of slitting my wrist throughout my marriage (although I suppose they’re also the reason I stayed married in the first place). They’re such troopers, jumping between homes every few days. I’d go insane.

To get through the divorce and not having my kids, I went on a whore/dating spree. I tried, and still try, to see my friends as much as possible but families take priority. When I was married, we hung out maybe once or twice a month max when we weren’t doing kid-centric activities. Hanging out on weekends with my friends isn’t an option; it’s family time for them.

I’m still dating Jeremy. He was off the grid on a 10-day field trip to another country (no cell reception). I thought my insecurities would get the best of me but surprisingly, I was fine.

He’s been back and my anxiety is back as well. I forgot about the inconsistent texting and the lack of planning. I cut him slack for two days, figuring he has to get back in the swing of life and work after having no cell reception.

I double texted at 10 pm last night. It’s 7 pm today. My blood is boiling. I know that I care more about this than he does. We’ll see if he even messages at all before tomorrow evening, which he knows drives me nuts.

My low self-esteem and Fearful Avoidant attachment type convinced me that Jeremy’s break gave him time to think and realize he doesn’t want to be with me. He messaged me as soon he was back across the border though so that’s a good sign…right?

This time is different though. Because I can’t go back to the era when I worried and felt like things were lacking. I’ve decided: if things don’t work out with Jeremy, I’m getting a cat. So either way, I win.

Randomly, Vance texted me today with a quick question. I dated him a year ago and while it was short, I adored him. He adored me. However, he was also an asshole. After crying when he hung up the phone on me, it took a lot of effort to not fall into my pattern of wanting to prove my worthiness. Instead, I broke up with him.

That brief relationship made me feel dumb. I’ve felt many things in relationships (bitch, nag, uncaring) but I haven’t felt the need to prove my intelligence since my college boyfriend.

Months later, he messaged saying he wanted to get back together. I turned him down, citing not only my relationship with Jeremy but that I never felt like he liked me. That was the last I heard from him until today.

I answered his question and did the obligatory how-are-things-going text, which I admittedly only did because I wanted the attention.

We had a few short back and forths and then I stopped the conversation. I’m not going down that path.

But I forgot how much I need that kind of communication and connection with someone. It’s bad that I could tell Vance I want to marry him one day and he’d jump all over it. Whereas with Jeremy, I know he cares about me but no idea where he stands on things being long-term.

We had a drunken conversation about it and when I told him later (when sober) what he said, Jeremy apologized for the insecurity it caused when he said he didn’t think it would work long-term blending families. However, he didn’t deny believing it.

I’m the queen of playing the long game but we’re at the end of this game. I’ll give him two more days with this bullshit behavior until we get to the weekend. That’s the first time our free schedules align. Let’s see if he asks to hang out. Let’s see if he does it with more than an hour of notice.

I adore him. I love him. I can’t say that I love myself more. But I do love not having my inside eaten alive from anxiety. And if that’s the peace that I get if I have to walk away, then so be it.

Plus you know…cat.

Okay, enough procrastination. I took today off work and now I have to get real work done (weeks of avoidance) or else I’m fucked tomorrow.

Just as I was prepping this article to post, Jeremy texted sayng he’s been going nonstop since he returned. Okay buddy…you’ve got a few more days of this shit and after that, you better step it up. Otherwise…cat.

Love
Relationships
Mental Health
Work
Parenting
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