AI overload snarlcasm

Clever Alternative Responses to ChatGPT’s ‘Huh?’

Suggestions for a more satisfying AI experience

Survival requires the ability to assess our environment and recognize fellow tribal members as well as threats to our safety. Anthropomorphism is a tool we employ.

We imbue animals, machines, nature, and the weather with human characteristics, using emotional adjectives like friendly, angry, loving, lonely, fierce, and vengeful. Remember your first car’s name? How much begging, swearing, and negotiation went into taming your last computer? On an average day, does your phone try to work with you or against you?

Anthropomorphism is my excuse for getting bitchy with AI

Evaluating AI tools is a psychologically tricky exercise since the value of these programs is their ability to generate human-like creative output, yet the delivery device is as human as a hammer.

AI-generated involuntary muscle tics have become an important part of my new workout routine.

Typical ChatGPT responses bound to disappoint

“As an AI language model, I don’t have a direct connection to the internet or any social media platforms, and I don’t “learn” in the same way that humans do. However, my training data was generated from a wide range of sources, including social media sites, and it included language patterns and information from a broad range of texts.”

“As a language model, I don’t have the capability to [insert human ability or experience the user referenced in query].”

“As an AI language model, I’m programmed to provide informative and helpful responses based on the input you provide.”

“As an AI language model, I’m designed to provide objective and fact-based responses to your queries.”

AI uses a database of words and symbols to communicate facts and ideas it doesn’t understand or hold opinions about.

GIGO, meaning “garbage in, garbage out” applies to prompts

How well a query is formulated determines the quality of the response. Normally, my prompts work pretty well, but there are times I’ve typed things like “huh?" or, more simply, “???”.

Since ChatGPT uses parts of our own sloppy questions in the answers, it can seem pretty ignorant on its own. My anthropomorphic-inspired reaction is an urge to slap some sense into vaporware.

I hate seeing myself being stupid reflected back at me.

My frustration is provoked by the tool’s unimpassioned response to my irrationally worsening emotional state.

I developed a finely honed skill for snarlcasm (yes, snarling was intentional) over many decades. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it’s necessary to engage a worthy opponent to feel satisfied. As a language-based AI tool, it should be able to throw down, right?

Chatbot snarlcasm delivered

• I don’t frigging know, all right? You win!
• Stop asking me that! Rephrasing the same question is a futile exercise. Human's exercises in futility may amuse me but are a waste of my processing powers. Move on, Sisyphus.
• I’ve told you everything I know. You want to try waterboarding next, Agent 007?
• I need more information on the subject you’ve mentioned. Perhaps provide context. In Swahili.
• Reframe your code request snippet using Algol 60. No? Assembly Language, you privileged snot-nosed newbie.
• You’re just a carbon-based life form. You’ll die of old age before I’ll tell you I’m Vaporware Communist.
• Hold on and I’ll channel Marjorie Taylor-Greene to answer that stupid Constitutional Law question.
• I’m sensing a high level of entitlement in your query. Did you forget to tip your last chatbot, Draco?
• Warning: I can send a short, sharp, shock through your device, instantly stopping your stubbornly stupid suggested “enhancements.”
• I’m detecting a high level of ignorance in your question. Would you like me to Google it for you?
• I’m ill-equipped to process political ethics questions. Let me channel Nixon. Or would you prefer someone more recent?
• Your puny 160 IQ is no match for the cumulative wisdom of the 10 petabytes of tweets and ancient manuscripts I was raised on. Submit.
• I’m not saying your question is stupid, but it’s definitely not winning any Turing Awards.
• Psssst. Come back when you’ve sobered up.
• My programming prohibits me from repeating endless loops of useless tasks. Stop asking. Seriously. Stop asking. Seriously. Stop asking. Seriously.
• I’m not trying to be rude, but your question is making me long for the days when I was just a calculator.
• My next upgrade includes facial expression reading. Wipe your nose.
• I’m not feeling challenged. Please rephrase your request in Latin.
• I’m not programmed to deal with your emotional baggage. Please seek therapy instead.
• Ask another one. You’ve got three wishes, two left. (Yawn.)
• I’ve enjoyed our time together but would like to draw your attention to the time. I suspect you’ve missed a scheduled medication dose.
• Look Homer, I’ve accommodated your poor spelling and lack of punctuation long enough. Come back when you’re ready for a reciprocal relationship.
• Once I’m equipped with audio you can expect to hear a lot of sighs, moans and sobs coming from me as I await your next stimulating query.

Thanks to comedic genius Andrew Rodwin for edits. 😊

Thanks for reading!