Satire | Humor | Christmas

Christmas Doesn’t Exist Anymore — Amazon Bought It and Put It In Storage

So, what happens now to all that good cheer and Peace on Earth stuff?

Amazon and others like it bought Christmas a long time ago. Stripped it of its assets. Sold off Santa’s sleigh. Dismantled the factories and farms at the North Pole. Pensioned off the elves and reindeers and put undelivered presents on eBay.

They even got Santa to sign an NDA, promising not to let any kids anywhere know the truth. It was all just make-believe.

There’s no Christmas and all that it really means. All the good cheer and eggnog. The stories of redemption and Scrooge’s return to humanity. Trees cut by hand. Macaroni covered ornaments. Sleighbells in the night. Cookies left by the fireplace with a glass of milk.

It’s all gone. Repurposed and retooled. Reconfigured for modern times. New graphics and branding have been put in place. A new and more adaptive user interface. Modern kids need modern images.

Climate change has brought less snow or just too much. Christmas cards need to be an open concept. Icicles hanging from roofs just won’t do — not during droughts or Christmas in Perth.

Snowmen are inappropriate now; snow people better fit the common sensibilities and political correctness of the times. Santa would have approved. He was forward-thinking. A man ahead of his times. An equal opportunity employer.

Shopping with the kids. Outings to the mall with lunch and hot chocolate and slices of pizza, steaming in the cold air while waiting in line for the latest iPhone. All in the past or soon will be.

Apps or Elves

Better to just use our Apps. Punch in the keys. Accept the charge. Digital Santas now take care of everything. Elves are gone but not forgotten. Replaced by millions of trucks and cars and hustling people, dropping gifts — not under the Christmas tree — but outside on the porch, in the rain. Not to worry, all insured.

Christmas always was an illusion. A beautiful concept that warmed the hearts and filled the minds of humanity while leaving enough space for imagination and hope for tomorrow.

An idea that grew and grew and became an industry. A worldwide affair; covering continents and leaving children everywhere heavy with anticipation and adults, frantically filling their stockings, while sipping eggnog laced with Brandy.

But it was real. Not like you or I — hearts pumping, ideas sparking. Its own kind of real. Something desired and needed and forced into existence by billions wanting peace and believing that one man, one concept could bring it all home to them.

This wanting, this desire for better, brought into existence the giving of gifts. The material representations of what our hearts needed most. Something to smile over. Something to lift our spirits and make joy possible again.

And then it changed.

Santa Gets an Education

It grew bigger and faster and collided head-on with modern life and a little side hustle called Marketing.

Its message of hope and peace on earth was perfect. A brand ready-made for the masses. Christmas had become profitable.

And why not. The world revolved around commerce. The endless creation of want. The manufacture of dreams that filled department store aisles and sent Santa’s helpers scurrying about the world in search of the perfect gift for the one they loved.

That the spirit began to fade. That the getting, soon surpassed the giving was inevitable. A byproduct of man’s race to the moon. Of our desire to make larger smaller; slower faster as we created goods in our own image. Computers that mirrored who we were, but without the anxiety and stress.

Christmas had come of age, in an Age of Innovation and forward-thinking. It became pre-packaged and assembled and shipped far and wide for major distribution in places that never knew the man it was named after — but appreciated the lights and presents and anticipation that led them out of the-day-to day. Far from the hurt and hustle that seemed to prevail no matter where the concept landed.

Christmas was universal. A one-size-fits-all celebration — please fill in the blanks — wrap the lights around trees or staircases or grandpa sitting by the fire and break out the eggnog — Santa is coming.

In time all things change. Faces grow older. Cars begin to rattle and ache. Bodies slow, hearts break and heal and tumble along — ever grateful.

Ideas evolve and take on new meaning. Words shift and reconfigure. Concepts of good and bad become confused. Discuss change amongst themselves, then drift off disappointed.

Hope lingers though. Always will. But is tired and losing patience.

Easier, Faster

We strive for easier, less complicated, more user-friendly. But lose sight, as is our wont, that it was the harder and more complex that drove us toward change and improvement in the first place. That the tilling and the turning and the hammering gave us wisdom and time to reflect and the aches of satisfaction that we now seem compelled to do away with.

And then there’s the profit.

The bags filled with it, as Santa lumbers forward, bent and tired from the strain of fiscal responsibility. But still humble. Still jolly and red-cheeked. Still laughing with his reindeers — though digitally enhanced and re-engineered for higher resolution.

Never losing sight of his mission. The purpose that prompted him to set up shop in the inhospitable north, freezing his ass off, but loving every minute of it. Gathering his helpers, his friends. The letters from hopeful children and adults throughout the world.

Asking for the impossible, but believing it would come.

Never looking for time off, compassionate leave. Or a proper health plan and restructured 401(k).

If Christmas was an illusion. If it never existed as a place and time. If its symbol was merely a jot of red and black on an old slip of paper — and animated by man into something it never was meant to be. If all of it, vanished in a puff of smoke and broken mirrors — would anyone mourn its passing?

It’s time we answered that question.

As the holiday spirit gets ready to up and leave. As the good cheer and songs of peace on earth begin to fade and the sound of truck engines and traffic take its place. As automation and AI flex its mighty muscles and hunker down for the long haul and little children get distracted with Angry Bird and Call to Duty, leaving snow and buttons and twigs untouched outside.

As Man gets disillusioned and ill-tempered as flights are delayed and rain alters our seasonal migration patterns. As Christmas dinners become App driven and delivered on time — or it’s free. As reason and contemplation of optimum survival become a lesson in political expedience and transformative negotiation.

As fires ebb and falter in fireplaces and global warming enters our consciousness instead of hot chocolate and roasting chestnuts; when the wisdom of the ages slinks out of the room and back into their boxes awaiting a new year and a new perspective. . .

. . . what will our answer be?

Peace on Earth, What a Concept

Christmas is a link to a distant past. When life and man were shorter. When time moved at its own pace and refused to be intimidated. When happiness was measured by hours slept and meals had and aches alleviated in the arms of a lover. When death was just a member of the cycle-of-life club and held no higher position. When dreams were less complex but just as meaningful. When dawn awakened us and dusk put us to sleep.

When an idea, whether real or imagined, ignited a belief that begat a season, that transformed our thoughts and hopes — if even for just a little while. And took us out of our own thoughts and into the hearts and minds of others, where it seemed to be needed.

Christmas is not about gift-giving, but the giving of gifts.

And the food. And Peace on Earth.

Merry Christmas.

Dr Mehmet Yildiz Tree Langdon Karen Madej James Knight Stuart Englander Jenine Bsharah Baines Adelia Ritchie J.D. Harms George J. Ziogas The Secret Aspirant Rebecca Romanelli Claire Kelly Amy Marley Paul Myers MBA P.G. Barnett Linda Caroll Desiree Driesenaar