Chris Evans Would 100% Definitely Fall for Me
Or, the benefits of cognitive dissonance
I run about two months behind on pop culture, which means I just now found out that Chris Evans — Captain America and the Internet’s Boyfriend — has become “laser-focused” on finding a life partner. And people are positively losing it.
If you live under a rock like I do, you may also not have heard about this. And, you might not realize the extent to which the world swoons for this man any time he opens his mouth. (And also, often, when he doesn’t — one time he wore a frayed, cable-knit sweater and Twitter died of thirst.)
You might also be wondering why I, a happily married lady, am now dragging you onto a Twitter train full of panting fangirls, months after it left the station. Don’t worry. There are enough corners of the internet dedicated to this man’s six-pack; I don’t feel compelled to add the genre.
I just think you need to know that Chris Evans would definitely fall in love with me if we met.
A fact about me: I am exceptionally good at holding two opposing beliefs simultaneously. In scientific terms, I thrive in cognitive dissonance.
This makes me unusual. For most people, realizing that you have incompatible beliefs is uncomfortable. You feel torn. But I feel multiplied.
We are so often told we must define ourselves as one consistent thing. Are you wild or prudish? Cutthroat or sweet? Frustrated or fulfilled? Happy or depressed? Realistic or ambitious?
But you don’t actually have to pick. You can be all of those things at once. I am. And that’s why I’m able to like myself, even when I’m confronted with my own ridiculousness — I believe I am completely fantastic, and I believe I am deeply flawed. These beliefs contradict each other, yet I hold them both.
This is also why, when I found out that Chris Evans was looking for a life partner, my first thought was not I wonder what lucky girl will land him, or I wonder what would happen if I met him in a different life?
My first thought was, “Too bad I’m taken. He’d love me.” And I’m totally convinced this is true. I made a mental list of all the reasons why:
- I’m impossible to intimidate, and his celebrity status would strike me as an inconvenience, not a value-add. I think most celebrities would appreciate this.
- I’m the kind of ambitious, tough person that makes a great CEO, but I’m also former middle school teacher with a soft spot for knuckleheads and a habit of bursting into song.
- I went to Yale but settled in a small Southern city where nobody cares about my fancy degree. In other words, I’m smart but I don’t think that makes me better than other people.
- I don’t judge other people, ever, and I can get along with anybody if I want to.
- I think money is a tool, and a few million for retirement is gracious plenty. I’d tell him to turn down boring projects with big paychecks and start doing whatever he likes.
Plus, I’m a great mom, and good writer, and a superb hugger. Also, I’m very sexy, according to my husband.
I rest my case. How could Chris Evans not instantly fall for me?
But, I hold many contradictory beliefs. So, I also know how ridiculous it to think that some famous stranger would even like me, much less love me. I may know some facts about Chris Evans the Public Persona, but I don’t know anything about Chris the actual human guy. He might prefer a woman who wears bikinis, or who is younger, or who loves to stay out late with strangers. He might hate to read. He might want someone who’d crave a grandiose proposal and big, poofy wedding. (Kill me now.)
Oh, and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to chase a married lady with two very intense kids.
If I met him in person and he simply rolled his eyes at me and walked off, I’d think, Yep, that totally makes sense. I mean, why would Chris Evans talk to some random overconfident blogger?
This belief sits right alongside my totally firm conviction that he’d think I’m amazing. I see no problem.
Another moment that dropped the internet’s panties: Chris Evans recently revealed a Boston accent that none of us realized he had:
This interview prompted a Twitter storm full of comments like this one:
I’ve been thinking about why we reacted this way, and as much as I love the Bostonian “r” (“aaaahh?”), I don’t think it’s the actual accent that drove everyone off the deep end.
People love this video because it revealed a layer to Chris Evans that we did not know existed. People love him with the moustache, and without it. With the Boston accent and without it. Not because we like any one of those things specifically, but because we love depth, surprise, and complexity. We love that he is both Bostonian and not, all at once.
I, too, have these layers. So do you.
I passionately love the smell of my daughter’s sweaty head, and I wish she’d get off my lap. I want an easy life, and I want an epic life. I positively need to write and I’d rather sleep.
Leaning into these contradictions gives me space. The limbo allows me to be all versions of myself at once. And I love all these versions of myself, just as the internet loves all the contradictory shades of Chris Evans.
And this depth and complexity is why Chris Evans would 100% definitely love me.