Choosing Myself and Mental Health: Why I Stopped Going Home for the Holidays

Overcoming guilt and setting boundaries

I’ve never been a big fan of the holidays, even during childhood. I would be perfectly fine skipping the entire month of December. However, I’ve become slightly less Grinchy and Scroogey over the years.

As a kid I remember the excitement of putting up the fake tree with the tinsel and ornaments. Red bells hung on the ceiling across the living room with blinking lights, all in unison. My brother spent hours looking through the Sears and JCPenney catalogs, meticulously circling and labeling his wish list.

I would do the same, but never with the passion he did.

Being three years older, I remember more of the fights between my mom and dad about money regarding all the gifts. My mother, needing to be the center of attention, always wanted to give more than we could afford. Being an Ebenezer, my father, on the other hand, never wanted to open up the purse strings much.

Christmas Morning

My brother would wake me up at 4 am and explore our stockings, filled to the top with candy and other things. Then, he would spend time shaking gifts, trying to figure out what they were as he sorted his pile from smallest to largest.

Finally, by 6 am we were allowed to wake our parents up. My dad, always the last to meander his way to the living room, never experienced the giddy glee my mother did watching us tear into the wrapping paper. When we finished opening the last gift, he immediately returned to the bedroom to sleep.

Feeling trapped

I felt caught in the middle, experiencing guilt and a lot of it. I knew how excited it made my mom to give give give, but I also wanted to please my dad by never wanting too much. In my quest to make everyone else happy, I found myself resenting the holidays as I grew older.

When I attended college, I stopped coming home for Thanksgiving, opting to stay on campus during the break. As an adult, even when I told my mother exactly what I wanted for Christmas, she somehow managed to get it wrong. I swear she did it on purpose to punish me, and perhaps she did.

It was punishment for growing up, developing my own views different from hers, and choosing a lifestyle she didn’t understand. I went to college to pursue a career, decided not to have children, and never married.

Moving away

After college, I moved across the country to another state, which helped ease the shame of not coming home for the holidays each year. On the rare occasions when I made the trip, I could feel the stress as soon as I entered my hometown.

Once, I arranged with my cousin to pick me up from an airport near his place, which happened to be an hour and a half away from my childhood home. He even offered to take me to my parent’s house because he enjoyed visiting them. He happily volunteered to bring me to the airport for my flight back if my dad dropped me off the night before.

My mother became so worked up about me flying into an airport so far away she called to find out the cost for me to fly to one 30 minutes closer after I was already home. Ultimately, we got into a big fight because she would not let it go. Rather than expressing appreciation, she criticized me for being selfish and inconveniencing others by driving to accommodate me.

Neither my cousin nor my dad had a problem with the arrangements.

That was the last time I visited for Christmas for at least a decade. I chose my mental health and decided to enjoy my holidays away from my mother. At first, I felt tremendous guilt. However, that eased over the years when I realized it was best for me. I wasn’t responsible for focusing on her needs at my own expense.

Dealing with difficult parents

When deciding whether to travel home or spend time with parents who exhibit toxic behavior during the holidays, keep the following in mind:¹

It’s not your job to please them. Unfortunately, sometimes parents don’t understand or accept their children’s life choices. When you reach a point where you can’t seem to agree or find a common understanding, it might be necessary to create some distance for the sake of your well-being.
Setting boundaries is critical. You’re an adult, and if your parent refuses to treat you like one, you need to set expectations of what is and is not acceptable. If they refuse to respect your needs, it might be time to stay away until they do.
Understand you can’t change them. You can only control your behavior and reaction to situations. If you choose to work around their limitations, that’s great if it’s your preference. However, if you can’t agree on any compromises, you may need to allow yourself to skip spending the holidays with them.
Make sure to have plan B. If you decide to see your parents, ensure an exit strategy if things fall apart. It’s okay if you need to leave before the planned date. If you are traveling from a distance, contact friends or other family members before your visit in case you need some escape time.
Choose not to go. Like I did, you may find that not making the trip is best for your own sake. Don’t try to reason with your parents if you make other plans. You need to be assertive when communicating with them and avoid falling into the trap of allowing them to influence your decisions.

Setting boundaries and being firm about not coming home for the holidays may improve things when you choose to return later.

Going back again

When I felt ready to make the trip one year, I called my mother to tell her I would be driving to visit. It was 11-hours, and she immediately began questioning why I didn’t fly. I explained my reasons, but she kept harping on it.

I told her I wasn’t up for this if she kept pushing, making it clear that it wasn’t something I felt compelled to do. I asked her if she wanted me to visit or not. To my astonishment, she said that she did and that it would be nice to see me. I told her that was fantastic, I would be driving, and I did not want to discuss this any further now or later.

She never brought it up again; it was my best trip, and I even enjoyed myself. Sometimes, creating the relationship we deserve with our parents requires taking care of ourselves first and respectfully but firmly standing our ground when pushed.

Reference

Litner, J., Martin, S., & Ward, C. (2022, May 4). Tips for Dealing with Toxic Parents. PsychCentral.

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