HOW-TO
Chinese Spy Balloon 2.0 — What They’ll Do Next Time
If at first you don’t succeed …
Gas bag #1 has been deflated (no, not *rump, that’s a different story), but another Chinese Spy Balloon launch is already planned.
Here are some helpful hints so that version 2.0 has a better chance of succeeding.
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Mango Mussolini balloon
Rumor has it that Chinese Spy Balloon #2 will be shaped like #45.
That way, half the nation will be hopelessly enthralled with, and in full support of, the balloon’s antics.
The endless debate over deflating this thing will ensure that it lasts forever.
Blue balloon
All they have to do is make it blue. It’ll blend with the sky. Nobody will notice the balloon.
Why didn’t they think of this the first time?
Also, since it’s amusing and likely made by a clown, it’ll also blend with the American political landscape.
No one will notice that either.
Red, White and Blue balloon
Set this aloft and everyone will slavishly support whatever it drifts over. True, no matter what cockamamie schemes lurk beneath it.
Burger balloon
This one may backfire.
99.999% of the population will notice it, but they’ll want to bring it down in their hometown intact so they can cram it into their pie holes.
As the (hopefully) intact burger balloon descends over one lucky town, the Chinese will get an eyeful of life in America they could never get otherwise.
Speaking of pie …
Apple Pie balloon
If the Chinese claim, “It’s American as Apple Pie”, everybody in the country will be confused.
An apple pie spy balloon will float above us, gathering info, as the debates rage. Score one for the foreign team.
Hot Dog balloon
Another inviolate American tradition that should protect Chinese Spy Balloon 2.0 from harm, a death-dog dirigible.
And speaking of harm. Never mind the cancer risk, all the other health risks, the animal cruelty involved, the environmental damage caused, and so forth.
Oh, and don’t forget this death-dog’s disgusting components.
But as long as we’re “shooting down” hallowed American traditions, let’s not forget Mom.
Mom balloon
No, not the MILF version of some hot mama’s balloons. Those may be featured in another story. If you’re impatient, do your own Internet search.
No one in America would take a shot. Or would they?