DON’T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU
Children Ruin Old Age with Isolation, Relocation to Unknown House, and Unwanted Medical Treatments
My lifetime goal: not to be tortured to death. Have an Advanced Directive.
This article is about a mother, daughter and son — none related to the author. Names are intentionally not included.
Synopsis
The retired mother went dancing every night, had a nice house, had no trouble getting around, had many friends, and sang karaoke every Wednesday night. The dance floor was always full during her songs. She even had a boyfriend.
Then she was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. The surgery went ok, but it was a matter of time. She was in no pain, and at age 85, she just wanted to live out the rest of her life, with no chemo and its problems.
Her children, probably with the best intentions, stepped in and ruined her life. The daughter, with a Power of Attorney, destroyed everything. The mother called us, casual friends, begging us to come and get her from her daughter’s house.
Her living situation was becoming somewhat precarious, but the children’s actions made it much worse. There was a wonderful alternative that met all of the mother’s needs and freed the children from most obligations. She was excited, but the children were not interested.
An Advanced Directive might have thwarted them from taking over her final days.
Everything here is based on discussions with the mother and is told from the mother’s perspective.
Current Living Conditions
The Villages is a large retirement community, population 135,000, north of Orlando, Fl., designed for seniors. It has everything from daily free live entertainment, its own hospital, many shopping venues, and 50+ golf courses. If you’re interested in something, they most likely have a club or facility for it, even polo. Mother’s main interest was dancing and karaoke.
She lived alone south of the Sumter Landing Square, one of three town squares in The Villages. It was a 25-minute drive from the southern part of The Villages, but she was used to it and had no trouble. The main problem was finding her car in the huge parking lot after dark. After she started taking a picture of its location on her phone, she had no more problems.
Her daughter lived 40 miles away and took her to the doctor. Whenever she stayed at her daughter’s house, they fought constantly. There was no way they both could live there permanently.
She spent most of her time at City Fire restaurant with dinner, dancing and karaoke. Occasionally, she arrived early and spent some time on the Square before the band in City Fire started.
Then she was diagnosed with lung cancer. You sure couldn’t tell there was a problem based on her karaoke performances, before and after surgery. She planned to continue on without doing chemo and live out her days there.
What the children did
Her house
The children did not care about her wishes. Using a Power-of-Attorney, they sold her Villages house and bought another house in another city. That was so that she would be close to them. It would be easy to take her to the doctor and they would have more control.
However, she would be in a new house by herself, know nothing about the neighborhood, have to learn where the grocery and drug stores are, and have no friends or places to go dancing or for entertainment. The children would be “close by.” They would be her only contact with the outside world, especially if they took away her car as expected by one of her friends.
The small retirement community had a community clubhouse, but there was little to do. No restaurant or entertainment. They certainly didn’t have nightly four-hour concerts or nightclubs for dancing and karaoke.
The daughter controlled everything. After getting an offer for her mother’s house, she told her mother that she couldn’t live there and to pack everything. That was the first lie. She could have stayed in her house until the sale closed. Anyway, the new house had not closed either, so Mother had no place to go. Also, the moving company could pack everything.
In addition, she may have put her mother in danger. Someone came to her door, supposedly the buyer, and asked for a tour of the house. If you were an 85-year-old woman, would you let a stranger into your house without any prior notification? Fortunately, she didn’t.
The son lives far away, but he is going along with the plan to move her and give her chemo. He didn’t want any more information from us.
Cancer Treatment
The doctor recommended chemo after the cancer surgery. However, this Mother explicitly stated that she did not want chemo. The life expectancy for advanced is usually less than a year. Chemo frequently has awful side effects, and she didn’t want what life she had left to be miserable.
After she recovered from the surgery, the daughter let her move back to her house “to pack.” A couple of weeks later, the daughter picked her up for the surgery follow-up appointment. She does not expect to be allowed to go back to her house.
During the appointment, they put something in her chest. The daughter told her that it was for blood tests. That was the second lie. It was a port for the chemo. She was upset when she learned that.
She planned to tell the doctor and nurse during the visit that she did not want chemo. It would then be legally unethical to administer unwanted medical treatment. However, if the daughter said the mother was mentally unstable and as her guardian, she authorized the treatment, there was no recourse. I’m not sure what happened in the doctor’s office, but she received the treatment.
Chemo has many side effects. The second round was much more painful than the first.
We were told that the daughter is supposed to be part of the medical community. She should have been prepared for the side effects since her mother was staying at her house and she was the supposed caretaker. She failed to apply standard over-the-counter post-chemo treatments when her mother had problems.
When she said she didn’t want to move or get chemo, the daughter threatened never to see her again if she didn’t comply.
Friends
The children, the daughter in particular, have tried to isolate her from any of her friends. She told her mother not to talk to any Villager friends on the phone. No text messages. She only talks to us after the daughter has left the house.
Lately, she told us the daughter set her phone to allow her to talk for only three minutes. That explains why we keep getting disconnected. We also get strange messages praising the good care from the daughter and saying that she is in no pain.
The messages are strange because the writing style changes dramatically. Also, we got precisely the same message, a small paragraph, five times, as if it was copied and pasted instead of being written spontaneously.
Such behavior isn’t new. The daughter tried to get her mother to break up with her boyfriend for five years.
We offered to take the mother out to lunch. We would pick her up, go to a local restaurant, then return her home. The daughter told her she couldn’t go because she, the daughter, didn’t have time.
The daughter wasn’t even going to spend the time to help her mother find her way around in the new community. The mother’s “ex” lives in the same community. The daughter recruited the ex’s wife to drive her around.
The Alternative
An independent living facility, Watercrest, is located less than four miles from City Fire. A grocery store and gas station were across the street. It provided everything she needed to continue her life as she wanted it, such as:
- They provide three meals per day in a restaurant-style setting. That would allow her to get out of the house and provide social interactions.
- The main floor has a clubroom and really nice bar, much better than any you would see on the Square.
- They bring in entertainment, like Lisa Beck and Uncle Bob’s Rock Shop. Both appear at City Fire or on the Square.
- Cleaning & sheet change once a week.
- She would still be living in the same community, The Villages.
- They provide free transportation to the doctor and other places within 15 miles. She could transfer her care to any of the many cancer centers in The Villages.
- If she needed nursing support during chemo, or for any other reason, she could temporarily move to the Assisted Living section in the same building while keeping her apartment. Of course, there would be an extra charge.
- Finally, Watercrest provides Memory Care in the same building, if needed.
This Mother was really excited when she saw the brochure. She even picked out an apartment layout. The sale of her house would cover eight years of rent at the current rates, so there would be no real money problem since her life expectancy is much less than that.
There, she could continue her lifestyle, be near her friends, get good care, and reduce the burden on her children. The children would be 15 minutes closer when they wanted to visit.
This option is still available at any time
The children have no idea how much care someone on chemo might need and how restrictive that care could be on their lives. Care, depending on the chemo and reactions, could be a 24-hour job.
Avoid the problem — an Advanced Directive
At first, I thought a Living Will would have solved the problem, but it generally applies when a person is incapacitated. An Advanced Directive could have solved many problems.
Statute for the state of Florida: 765.101 Definitions. — As used in this chapter: (1) “Advance directive” means a witnessed written document or oral statement in which instructions are given by a principal or in which the principal’s desires are expressed concerning any aspect of the principal’s health care or health information, and includes, but is not limited to, the designation of a health care surrogate, a living will, or an anatomical gift made pursuant to part V of this chapter.
An Advanced Directive could have prevented the unwanted chemo. She could have written one after the cancer surgery if she had known to do so.
I do not know if one could be written to cover a move to an Independent or Assisted Living center. However, after reading the Klipsun Magazine article in References, I suspect it could if worded properly.
You can read Florida statute for Advanced Directives for details.
Summary
For me, this situation has been an eye-opener. I had heard of an Advanced Directive, but never realized how important it could be. I will have to do a lot of projections and planning. However, it may be my best bet to avoid being tortured to death.
The children disagree with the mother’s wishes and happiness. They care more about their own control and lifestyle. Their actions speak louder than any words. I hope they change their minds and let her move to the Independent Living Center.
This link shows how a port works, complete with picture, and the author’s experience: Beam Me Up, Scotty
Disclaimer: This article is my analysis of my experience and is not intended as medical or legal advice.
References
- Independent Living — restaurant meals, weekly house cleaning, your own furniture, unrestricted, keep your car
- Assisted Living — some direct care required, activities based on condition
- Memory Care — much more extensive nursing care tailored to resident needs and history
