Children of Alcoholics Are Destined to Have Bad Relationships and Here’s Why

My childhood was quite chaotic, which was mainly due to my mother’s alcoholism. When she drank, sudden mood changes were the order of the day.

How sensitively she dealt with me depended on her alcohol level. When she was sober, she was the best mom I could ask for. When she was drunk… not so much.

Little did I know how dramatically her behavior would one day affect my love life. In fact, I have often wondered if I am doomed to have exclusively unhappy relationships and the answer to that is: yes.

When Parents Drink, Everyday Life Becomes Unpredictable

The everyday life of children of alcoholic parents is characterized by unpredictability. Every day after school, I had to ask myself:

Will my mum be drunk when I get home?

What mood will she be in? Exuberant? Emotional? Aggressive?

Will her mood remain stable? Or will it suddenly change?

I always had to be on my guard. I never felt safe, because depending on her alcohol level my mother reacted differently to me.

On bad days, it was almost impossible to wake her up. Those were the days when her alcohol level was so high that she was practically comatose. On other days, she would suddenly become insanely emotional over little things.

Sometimes she would also get angry and scold me, for example when I didn’t want to talk to her. Then she would call me names or even kick me out of the house.

Unfortunately, I am not alone in this fate.

According to a report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) in 2017, around 10.5% (7.5 million) of children under the age of 17 in the United States reside with a parent who has alcohol use disorder.

These children usually report more parental unpredictability than children from non-dependent families. This unpredictability not only indirectly influences the children’s later consumption behavior, but also their relationships, and attachment theory explains why.

What Attachment Theory Reveals About Us

Nowadays, it is assumed that early problematic experiences we have with our parents lead to later relationship problems. Simply put, the relationships with our closest caregivers become our model for all other relationships.

When children grow up in a home where they feel safe and secure, they develop a secure attachment style. As adults, they have neither difficulty establishing closeness nor great fear of rejection.

This is why they can form healthy relationships seemingly effortlessly, whereas people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles have greater difficulty doing so. These attachment styles occur when parents behave erratically or do not provide emotional support at all.

People with an anxious attachment style feel insecure and worry that their partner may not be available or responsive enough in a relationship. They may seek a lot of reassurance and attention from their partner to ease their fears.

A person with an avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, feels uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy. They may feel suffocated or trapped by too much closeness and may prioritize independence and self-sufficiency over emotional intimacy with their partner.

As you might imagine, the thought patterns and behaviors that come with insecure attachment styles are not the best breeding ground for a happy relationship.

Are We Doomed?

Studies show that children of alcoholic parents are more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationships. This fact can probably be attributed to their attachment style.

Well, I don’t know about you, but attachment theory certainly explains why, year after year, I settled for partners who couldn’t give me what I needed: stability, appreciation, and support.

I simply did not know it any other way.

The unpredictability of my childhood left me with the profound feeling that trusting others was not a safe option — even though I desired a deep connection. And without meaning to, I chose the very partners who confirmed this core belief over and over again.

At least until I finally got fed up.

After one too many painfully failed relationships, I was finally ready to face the parts that contributed to my ongoing love dramas: my inability to recognize and accept a healthy love.

And with a shitload of therapy and self-reflection, I finally managed to find a partner with whom I can feel safe and secure for the first time in my life. Not just for a few hours or days. Always.

So yeah, according to attachment theory, we children of alcoholic parents are destined to have unhappy relationships. But fortunately, we are not helplessly at the mercy of this fate.

We can take it into our own hands — and I am living proof of that.

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