COMMON SENSE

Children Aren’t Stupid. They Know Parents Have Favourites

I can’t lie. So this is how I dealt with it.

I wish I’d kept notes now. I can’t remember how old my four children were when they first asked which one of them I loved the most.

But I do remember how I replied.

“Love is a woolly word,” I said. “It means different things. You say you love pizza or the cartoons on TV. You say you love sausages more than fish fingers.

“But when it is used to talk about a mother’s love for her children, that is a different kind of love.

“That kind of love is not something that can be measured. That kind of love just is. It is limitless. It’s bigger than the whole universe and all the stars and planets.”

So they switched tactics: “OK then, which one of us is your favourite?”

Now, this one took me a little longer to answer. But what I did not do was lie. Because I think children know when their parents are lying. And no good can come from it.

I said I would have a think and get back to them.

And I did. Because that is the other thing with children — you have to deliver on your promises and your threats. Never threaten anything that you won’t be able to follow through on. Because kids are smart — and they will test the boundaries often. For them to feel safe, those boundaries need to be rock steady.

It took me a while to get my answer to the “favourites” question right. It was easier when they were little — and could be distracted.

Early attempts satisfied my need for truth whilst meeting their needs to feel appreciated as individuals.

You are my favourite because . . .

To number 4 egg: “Well, you are my favourite because you have just eaten all your peas.”

To number 3 egg: “And you are my favourite because you did such a lovely job laying the table.”

To number 2 egg: “And you are my favourite because that painting you brought home from school today made me smile. I love how you painted my hair yellow instead of dirty brown.”

To number 1 egg: “And you are my favourite because you did such a fantastic job helping me mash the potatoes.”

And they would all beam and carry on hurling peas at each other across the kitchen table.

But that only worked up to a point. Because, of course, eventually, they cottoned on and said they couldn’t all be favourites.

So, I was brutally honest.

I told them all humans, adults and children, are different. And we all have different likes and dislikes. And it is true that we sometimes like some people more than others. Teachers have favourites, even though they have to try hard to make sure they never show that.

I told them that “favourite” had more to do with a person’s behaviour than who they are. And I reminded them that my love for them was without measure, regardless of their behaviour.

“The thing is that my ‘favourite’ changes all the time,” I said. “And because I am very busy and have so much to do, it is often down to who is helping me the most.”

Which was true.

The question continued to pop up right into their late teens. And I remained honest. Here are a handful of the answers that were given:

“Well, Harry is my favourite at the moment because he’s saving me a fortune by servicing my car. Now, if you guys had listened and become plumbers, general builders and carpenters like I told you — you’d be in with a chance.” And we would all laugh.

“Ned. Ned is definitely my favourite at the moment because the free TFL [Transport for London] travel card is saving me a fortune. You guys need to up your game.” And we would all laugh.

“Jake. Jake is definitely my favourite at the moment because he’s giving me free acupuncture treatments. But my car will need a service soon, Harry, so you might hit the number one spot again.” And we would all laugh.

“Sam. Sam is definitely my favourite at the moment because he is doing all the cooking. And unless the rest of you start doing a whole heap more around the house, he’s going keep that top spot.” And we would all laugh.

As parents, it is our job to do everything we can to ensure our children’s physical and emotional well-being. It is the latter that can take more thought.

Children who grow up believing they are always the favourite, always the winner, may struggle when faced with life’s inevitable losses.

We need to help them recognise they cannot always be top dog. But it is important they get to celebrate when they are and to recognise what they did to gain the win.

They need to know we all have different skills and abilities, and each of us deserves the chance to shine occasionally.

The takeaway

Most lessons are best taught by example. You do not want your children to lie to you, so think carefully before you lie to them. Your children may never ask that difficult question: who is your favourite? But if they do, take some time to consider the best age-appropriate way to respond.

If in doubt, delay. It is fine to say that this is not something you have considered, but you can tell it is important to them, and you would like more time to think about it.

I hope my examples can act as a template for how you might choose to handle this tricky issue.

UPDATE: My current favourite is the number 4 egg, who is working for Waitrose, and, as a family member, I can get 20% of all our food and 25% off anything from John Lewis. Result!