SATIRE

How to Quit Shampoo: A Chewbacca Guide

A definitive guide from one of our favorite heroes on how and why to stop using shampoo and conditioner

RRRAARRWHHGWWR, AAARARRRGWWWH ARRRAAGHW URWHHGW. AARAAG GHWAARUGGGH UUUUGHHRWWWH, URGH?

ARRRGWW.

My sincerest apologies, I forgot to switch on my language convertor lexicon. That’s much better, now I can truly express my feelings in your human language.

Lustrous

My name is Chewie and I am positively obsessed with my hair.

Perhaps you’ve seen it on your human electric picture machines. My pal George Lucas helped ensure that.

But what I’m sure you noticed was my glorious flowing locks. How couldn’t you? I mean, it’s basically what the movie was about, after all.

(Note: ‘Star Wars’ translates to ‘ARWGHUGH GHARS’ in Wookieean — which directly translates to Glorious Hairs)

Today I’m going to teach you a relatively unknown method of getting natural glistening curls like yours truly.

Oddly enough, it was actually the main method of your kind centuries ago. What has your industrial age done to you?

I’m of course referring to the time tested method of not washing your hair.

Human habits

Upon my return to your human world, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that some humans are returning to the ancient ways of hair care.

A very wookie-pleasing discovery, indeed!

I was disgusted when I first visited your planet in the “1970s”. Everywhere I turned I saw brittle and fragile hair. It often smelled of herbs and spices that are normally used for cooking roast Porg on my planet.

Mmm, roast porg. Simply ARGHWGHious.

But I digress.

I discovered there is a new pathway on Earth towards getting beautiful hair like me. Some humans refer to it as ‘No Poo’, which I am told is a humorous play on the equally confusing word ‘shampoo’.

Sham-Wow that is strange to my Wookie ears.

No shame in no shampoo

The modern human habit of washing your hair with chemicals day in and day out is considered standard for hygiene. I even hear that to not use shampoo is considered extremely dirty and smelly.

Crazy, right?

Which is strange, because smelling like artificial chemicals and walking around with porcelain brittle hair is a completely baffling concept to me.

Especially when it’s only on your heads — URWHHGing.

Shampoo was created by humans to help look young, fresh, and smelly any time you wanted to. But these corporations never looked at the long term effect of this.

I’ve seen your race survive for thousands of years without such things, so why do you use this now so religiously?

A lifetime of chemicals can surely take its toll on the quality of hair and your so-called scalp. I’ve even been reading many cases of other humans’ experience with stopping the hair torture, often to many great results!

Apparently, one of the main reasons people continue using shampoo is that there is a transition period when first stopping.

I’ve read that your hair follicles will work in overdrive for a while to compensate for a lifetime of chemical aide.

This leads to smells worse than Han after getting out of his carbonite prison — not one of my favorite memories.

But only for a little while.

Why do ‘No Poo’?

Stripping the scalp of oil every day when shampooing makes your scalp overproduce it and you end up with a greasy mess.

But there are a few — obviously superintelligent — members of your species that are no longer using these chemicals on purpose. These are truly shining beacons of your species!

Especially the hairy ones.

Your human scalp produces an oil called sebum that protects your head and hair.

When your human head makes too much of it (because shampoo strips your head of it), hair can feel greasy — not like my super smooth curls.

I have read and seen many human accounts of stopping the poo. It seems there are many possible advantages to giving up the bottle.

• Your human hair can gain back a healthier color to it
• Your natural oils will return to normal levels, providing more volume
• Your hair may grow faster and thicker
• Healthy bacteria may start growing back
• Your hair may even grow faster than before without chemicals slowing it down

It might even start looking Wookie-ish — just kidding, it’s impossible to be this glorious.

How to quit shampoo

So how easy is it to stop using shampoo?

It’s as simple as 1, 2, ARWGH!

Just stop using it, wait for 1–3 weeks, then stick to it.

Many people that follow this hair-lifestyle also report a few different tricks and tips for keeping a shiny coat. Some are also tempted to keep the essence of those delicious-smelling porg herbs.

Here are some useful tips for getting those shiny Wookie locks without using shampoo. Feel free to pick one, some or none at all.

(Apparently, your Earth scientists haven’t studied these suggestions — what a bunch of Lukes — so do your own research too)

• Rinse with olive or coconut oil occasionally instead of shampoo
• Use cold showers to cut down on hair damage
• Use a 50/50 combination of baking soda and water instead of shampoo
• Use a 50/50 apple cider vinegar and water instead of conditioner
• Use small amounts of essential oils (porg herb juice) to add a scent to your hair
• Male humans seem to benefit more than females because of less head hair (#URWHHG)

Caveat

Many humans believe that the main side-effect of this is that the hair starts reflecting your daily habits.

If you are a younger human who drinks copious amounts of alcohol and never sleeps, it will show in your non-shampooed hair.

The humans I read about who have done that have explained that when their daily habits swing into less healthy areas, that it starts to show in their hair.

I suppose you could use this as a gage for your general health levels then.

So go be healthy, get shiny hair, and wish you could look as fabulous as me!

HWAARUGGGly,

Chewbacca ‘Chewie’ Jones