*Checklist* What You Should Do Immediately After Discovering Your Partner’s Affair
The aftermath of an affair is confusing and painful and it can be hard to know what to do next. You have enough to think about already, use this list to help yourself get started.
The time surrounding the D Day of an affair is confusing.
When you’ve gone through the trauma of betrayal, trying to make decisions is difficult and can feel like it’s too much.
How are you supposed to make choices when the world is spinning so fast?
I’ve got you. Print out this list and knock off one thing at a time until you can breathe again.
It doesn’t all have to be done in a day. Give yourself grace and time to complete it. Set a pace that seems doable. Some people check off most of them in a frantic few days, while others take months. You’ll find your groove.
After Affair Discovery Checklist
- Write down what happened (while it is fresh, this can be helpful if you are with an abuser that gaslights you)
- Get an STD test
- Reach out to at least one person and tell them what happened
- Contact a trauma coach or a therapist the specializes in betrayal trauma.
- Eat at least once a day
- Drink 6 glasses of water every day
- Contact a lawyer to have a separation agreement and post nuptial agreement drafted. ( you don’t have to ever use them, but if you need them they are there.)
- Take a slow walk at least 3 x each week
- Be in the sunlight 15 min each day
- Gather important documents (birth cert, social security cards marriage license, passport, will, insurance policies- life, health, umbrella, vehicle, etc..)
- Practice slow deep breathing
- Take a bath or shower (at minimum every other day)
- Turn pictures of your partner around or remove them completely from the resting places for now. ( you can always return them or turn them back around later. Visual reminders of memories can be triggering)
- Do not isolate yourself
- Check your bank accounts (find out where your spouse’s and your money has been spent)
- Make a monthly budget
- Get everything in writing (get your spouse to either text, email or leave a voicemail admitting to the affair and to any agreements you make regarding finances, children, property, etc…)
- Remind yourself daily that you are not at fault for an affair no matter what you are told. You did not cause it.
Why Are These Important?
Trauma makes us foggy and forgetful. It’s common to want to shut down and wish it had never happened.
The things on this list will either help you heal in the future or help you if you have a future separation/ divorce to deal with. As much as it doesn’t seem like it, doing some of the harder things while you are in the dregs of it is easier than it will be in a few weeks. Right now going through the tasks on this list will keep you active and give you a purpose. A task to accomplish is a good way to keep from sinking into depression.
When the immediate shock wears off, they may be much harder to do because there is a numbness in the shock. This list is a good way to use that numbness to your benefit and forces you to exert energy into something other than the looping thoughts that affair discovery can cause.
I’m sorry you need this list.
What If I Plan On Staying In the Relationship?
If you plan on staying after discovering an affair read this article.
It will help you formulate a plan to stay in a way that protects you and sets you up for success.
If you like my writing please follow me and subscribe to my emails to be notified whenever a new article a published.
Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]
Or fill out this Form for a Free 20-minute Discovery Call.