HUMOR
Check Me Out: I’m a Checker
Greetings from the grocery store ‘Express Lane’ of life
Recently I started working as a grocery store checker. A lot of people tried to dissuade me from doing it. They thought it would be boring or, at the very worst, fatal since mass shootings seem to be back by popular demand in this country. I know, a tasteless joke but what else will stop the crazies these days, eh? Humor may be our last resort.
So what was I saying? Oh yeah, being a checker. Sure, it can be both boring and terror-inducing but really has my ego gotten so swollen and soggy that I can’t stand at a till and ring up some cucumbers and Depends? Am I so far above it all that I can’t serve anyone unless I also force them to address me as ‘Doctor’ because I paid a university $80k to hand me a piece of paper after I handed them hundreds of other papers? I hope not.
But the main reason I did it was for the people watching. Not in a stalkerish way but in an “I’m an artist like Michelangelo and I need to observe humanity in all its confusing glory” kind of way which is much less creepy and infinitely more verifiable since I can write a story about it and find some place on Medium to make it sound legit.
The only problem is that my eyes are glued to ringing things up so I can’t catch a glimpse of the people I’m watching, but no matter. Eventually, I will figure it out and be able to sustain a conversation while punching buttons while also not forgetting to hand back the $63 in change after the guy has given me a $100 bill. Or maybe I’ll think of something more creative to say when they ask me how I’m doing besides “Just another day in paradise for me.”
The truth is, I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to have 2 to 3-minute conversations with people all day long. I’ve looked at toll booth operators and wondered how they do it. How in God’s name do they sit there all day barely making eye contact with people while asking if they want a receipt? I would go nuts but maybe they’re just pretending that all the faces they see are just one big blur like on Michael Jackson’s video ‘Black or White?’
Well, I’ve been doing it for a month now and although I still don’t get how some people keep going for 35 years, there are a few things I’ve learned about cashiering/life, so here it goes:
NOTICE things— Working at a grocery store is like working at life. Life can be boring and repetitive. Wake up, drink coffee, do dishes, shower, work, dinner, walk dog, go to sleep. You can let it slide by you or you can stop and notice the little weirdnesses like the fact that some people will buy 12 boxes of cereal instead of the normal 1 to 2 because they have a coupon that gives them 4 boxes for the price of 3 even though by the time they get to the 12th box it will be stale.
SAVOR weirdness — Like the woman who insists that the ranch dressing from the deli is free even though the scanner rang it up at 25 cents a pop but the guy after her is moaning loudly about ‘SOME people’ so I don’t charge for any of the ranch dressing just to keep the line moving. Or the woman Maria who never remembers who you are but who has been haunting the bus stops and grocery stores in town for 20 years and if she ends up cornering you when you’re on break then she will talk your ear off even if you try to avoid her penetrating eyes by staring down at the granola bar in your lap.
DON’T BE JADED — sure, after hours of pretending to care whether everyone is doing something fun this weekend you may see every toddler, elderly couple, a spinster with blunt bangs, Trump-supporting couple with flags on their t-shirts, and baseball caps as all part of the same smelly, people soup. You CAN stop, think, and come up with one unique thing to say about each person you meet. Like… “Excuse me, I noticed that your last name is Milesovich. My last name is Starcevich. Are you Croatian like me?’ or ‘Gee, that is a cool train conductor hat. Did you used to work on the railroad?” or “Those are the best gluten-free bagels. I’m gluten-free, so believe me I should know!”
Whatever, but I dare you to say SOMETHING. Stick a jackhammer into that relentless, soul-destroying cliche stream of ‘polite conversation’ and say SOMETHING extraordinary. Words may or may not fit together but say them anyway and dare to look a little dumb for a few seconds.
But please: DON’T have the same conversation over and over.
Instead of:
Checker: Did you find everything you needed today?
Nameless/faceless customer: Sure did. I even found some things I DIDN’T need. Hyuk hyuk.
Try…
Checker: Did you find everything you DIDN’T need today? Like the square root of pi?
Customer whose face now assumes a contorted expression: Ummm sure? It was in the aisle with the apple pies? I don’t know?……. Ba bum tshhhh.
Dr. Lara E. Starcevich teaches improv, speech and drama at a college in the Northwest US and she loves to write humorous (hopefully), self helpy, philosophical rambling yarns (not yawns) on Medium.
