Cheating Happens For One Reason Only.

Summary

The author emphasizes that infidelity is a choice made by an individual in a relationship, regardless of the relationship's status.

Abstract

The article, written from personal experience, asserts that cheating is a deliberate action taken by an individual, not an inevitable outcome of relationship problems. The author, who has previously shared her journey of healing from an abusive relationship, stresses that while relationship neglect can lead to stress and loneliness, it does not excuse the decision to cheat. She acknowledges her own past role in enabling poor behavior but distinguishes this from justifying the act of cheating. The author advocates for personal responsibility in relationships and cautions against placing blame on the partner who was cheated on, as they already face societal judgment and internal struggle.

Opinions

Cheating is a conscious choice, not an automatic response to relationship unhappiness or lack of intimacy.
While relationship issues can contribute to a difficult environment, they do not cause or justify infidelity.
Individuals must take responsibility for their actions within a relationship, even when facing stress or loneliness.
It is important to distinguish between personal choices and being victimized, especially in cases of emotional abuse or manipulation.
Society should avoid blaming the victim of infidelity, as they may already be dealing with unfair judgment and self-doubt.
People who have been cheated on often grapple with blame and shame, which should not be exacerbated by others' insensitive remarks.

And it’s not because the relationship is unhappy.

For those who have been following me for a while, you know I always write from my own personal experience. It’s the reason I’ve been able to connect with so many people across the world. And while I originally started writing to help process the trauma and pain of exiting a very emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship, I keep writing because of that connection.

Do you know what else I will keep doing? Calling it out whenever I see anyone blaming the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/partner who has been cheated on for any part of the infidelity.

Here’s why.

Cheating is a choice. It doesn’t just magically happen because the relationship is unhappy. Or because of the constant fighting. Or because the sex dried up and one (or both) of the people in the relationship have lost their desire for the other.

Cheating happens, because someone chooses to cheat.

Does neglect of a relationship create a bunch of stress and pressure? Yep. Does a lack of intimacy and connection erode a relationship to the point where the people in it feel desperately lonely? Sure. Do good people do shitty things when their needs aren’t being met? Absolutely.

But there’s a step in between someone feeling completely alone in their relationship and sending that text to their co-worker at 9 pm that opens the door for something more. There’s the choice.

The health of an adult relationship is absolutely the responsibility of the people in it. Both of them. In almost every scenario. For example, I was married to a manipulative, emotionally abusive narcissist for the better part of a decade, and — surprise, surprise — our relationship quality wasn’t amazing. It never was. There were major red flags within the first weeks of dating that I chose to ignore.

I take full responsibility for my role in this. I enabled his shitty behavior in countless ways, I put my needs aside to manage his emotional state, and, as I’ve written about before, I stayed for a long time after things went south. Even though at times I was under an extreme amount of stress, I still made these choices. I own that and am doing everything I can to not put myself in a position where I make them again.

I need to be really clear that this is not at all about victim-blaming where abuse is present. At all. That is a separate and very complex issue that deserves handling in a more careful way than I am able to do here. For me, it’s about recognizing the choices I made early on to ignore the signs that this was not going to be a healthy or particularly fulfilling relationship.

No one makes anyone cheat. Words around this really matter. Be mindful of this if you want to open up a dialogue with someone who is healing from an affair. Because believe me, we are questioning everything and struggle daily not to take on the blame for a choice that wasn’t ours. We have been gaslit by our former partners into thinking everything was our fault. We have been judged by friends, family members, and strangers on the internet for something we didn’t do.

So, no. We didn’t contribute to or cause the cheating. We were in shitty relationships that resulted in cheating. There’s a big difference.

We have enough blame and shame around that on our shoulders already. There’s no room left for accountability that doesn’t belong to us.

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