Charmin’, I’m Sure

When needs must, and there’s twenty in line ahead of me.

I always go to Costco To buy my toilet rolls Perhaps I’ll buy a hot dog For more cholesterol

It took an hour to park to find a parking space I had to be quick too It’s like a fucking race

I got my click when walking in He didn’t say good morning Just casually browsed my card Then I joined the swarming

I tried the tasters offered Apple juice and honey Cheese, jam, and sausage My stomach now feels funny

Patiently I wait in line One item in my cart Twenty people in front While I’m trying to hold this fart

The guy behind me coughs He’s bought a fucking tree He doesn’t wear a mask Oops! My fart is flying free

Excuse me — do you mind, sir Pull up your bloody mask We are in a pandemic, I shouldn’t need to ask

He’s really pissed me off I’d like to kick his butt His dog is a loving comfort To me it’s a fucking mutt!

We slowly move a foot or two Remaining six feet apart With all the food I ate I’m brewing another fart

All of this for toilet rolls Charmin Ultra always lasts I bought a double pack So much better on my arse

If I don’t get to the register My butt cheeks will explode The silence will be broken When my arse it will unload

Finally!

Would you like an upgrade, sir? To what? I venture shyly ‘Executive’ is a better deal A hundred bucks does nicely

Standing with my card in hand Executive sounds just fine I don’t know if it’s worth it My arse doesn’t have the time

I walk my cart to the restroom The place isn’t very neat There’s no Charmin Ultra I wipe, rinse, and then repeat

They check me at the door Highlight my receipt You have a nice day, sir Fuck it, I forgot to buy the meat!