Charley Cancels Christmas

You better watch out, you better not pout… you better vote.

Topeka, Kansas October 23, For immediate release.

In a proclamation issued by King Charles, a cease and desist order has been issued for all Christmas celebrations — parties, dances, dinners, get-togethers, any public displays of Christmas cheer. All Christmas trees are to be burned. Any outdoor lighting to be removed. All Christmas presents to be returned for partial credit. No carols will be sung, no Christmas music played, no Santas, no elves, no reindeer. Christmas has been banned. Official explanation to follow.

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[Editor’s note: In lieu of an official explanation, King Charles granted an interview with our reporter. What follows is the approved edit of that interview.]

Reporter: Thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to me and our readers. How are you? It’s been an interesting year.

King Charles: It sure has. Who would’ve thought?

Reporter: Indeed. How does one address you, officially?

King Charles: I am Chairman of the Board of the United States of America.

Reporter: So, Mr. Chairman?

King Charles: For the moment.

Reporter: For the moment?

King Charles: I expect a restructuring. We’re not sure how it may look. We will still function as a corporation, but we’re not sure what the Board may look like. [Editor’s note: The restructuring is now complete. Technically, we are a constitutional monarchy, with a constitution under development.]

Reporter: Understand. So, Mr. Koch? Chairman Koch? Or what?

King Charles: Charley will do.

Reporter: Thank you, Charley. Your staff told you what this interview is about, didn’t they?

King Charles: In broad terms. Fire away.

Reporter: As you wish. Why the ban on Christmas?

King Charles: It’s not so much a ban, as a re-orientation.

Reporter: Re-orientation?

King Charles: Yes, we want to get back to the real meaning of Christmas. We don’t want children growing up expecting to be given things. We want them to know the value, the reward of working for the things they want. Christmas leads to unrealistic expectations, it engenders a welfare mentality.

Reporter: A welfare mentality? Doesn’t Christmas celebrate the wonder of childhood? The gifts of the Wise Men. Hope, wonderment. Then there’s ‘Peace on earth, goodwill toward man’.

King Charles: See, there you go. There never has, and never will be peace on earth. Another unrealistic expectation. War is a natural human endeavor. It rewards the virtuous, the industrious, the worthy. Peace on earth is unnatural. Without war, there would be a dissolution of spirit. A lassitude of will. We must re-affirm the natural superiority of the fit.

Reporter: Who are the fit?

King Charles: Those who have prospered, those who have made something of this world. Those who know the value of work.

Reporter: The rich?

King Charles: In most cases.

Reporter: Not all rich people work, are they the fit?

King Charles: If they’re not, their progeny will be.

Reporter: Speaking of progeny — children. Isn’t Christmas a normal part of growing up, having dreams, having fun.

King Charles: I’m all for having fun once the work is done.

Reporter: What kind of work do you expect a four-year-old to do?

King Charles: What I did when I was four.

Reporter: What did you do when you were four? Did you have Christmas? Did you believe in Santa?

King Charles: Of course not. There is no Santa, never was. It’s foolish to plant such thoughts in the minds of children.

Reporter: What thoughts?

King Charles: Flying reindeer, elves at the North Pole, a nice old man who will give you everything you want. Soon, you’ll have them believing in government, a government giving them what they want.

Reporter: So, you know about Christmas? Is there nothing you like about Christmas, the Holidays?

King Charles: I like that people are happy. Happy people work harder, they are more productive. Unfortunately, Christmas season lasts too long. It’s more than a month from Thanksgiving to New Year’s. Much of that time is squandered, lost to frivolity and merriment. Christmas should be shorter, Christmas should be banned.

Reporter: Aren’t you afraid people won’t like not having Christmas?

King Charles: They’ll get over it. They’ll realize I’m doing this for their own good, for the good of their children.

Reporter: I’m not so sure. Weren’t there several attacks on your buildings? Weren’t your products pulled from the shelves and burned. Weren’t you forced to hire armed guards for you and your family? Wasn’t the White Palace surrounded by angry mobs? Wasn’t the National Guard called?

King Charles: They weren’t angry mobs, just a few welfare cheats and ne’re do wells — life’s failures.

Reporter: So, you’re not afraid?

King Charles: Afraid of what? Of whom?

Reporter: The people.

King Charles: The people elected me as their leader, their visionary.

Reporter: Oh, I must have misunderstood. I thought once the Russian Scandal played itself out with tRUMP, Pence and Ryan indicted and resigned, Senator Hatch was installed as President. Unfortunately, he died after taking the oath of office before naming a Vice-President.

King Charles: Yes, and I was nominated, and affirmed by universal acclimation.

Reporter: Right, universal acclimation. Should we get back to Christmas?

King Charles: If we must.

Reporter: Don’t people need holidays, fun?

King Charles: For what? I never take holidays, vacations. Work is my fun, work is my life.

Reporter: But aren’t you exceptional? Not everyone can be like you.

King Charles: Why not?

Reporter: Didn’t you inherit your company?

King Charles: Yes, my father left me and my brothers a struggling refinery. We built it up. We made it what it is today. We did that through hard work, smart work, and perseverance. That’s what I want to teach the children today — the value of hard work and perseverance. Hard work and more hard work. Kids today are too soft, too… too… too lazy. They don’t want to work for anything. Christmas did that to them. I want to make them tough, I want them to succeed.

Reporter: Are you happy?

King Charles: What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m happy. Look at all I have, all I’ve accomplished. Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?

Reporter: So, you have everything you need?

King Charles: It is not so much a matter of need — it’s wants, desires. No, it is need. I need more. The more I have the more I want.

Reporter: Isn’t that greed?

King Charles: It’s only greed if… if… if you don’t value what you want.

Reporter: Not sure I understand. Why would you want something that had no value?

King Charles: Maybe it has value to somebody else. Maybe if you have it, and he doesn’t, then it has value.

Reporter: Going back to cancelling Christmas, aren’t some Christians upset?

King Charles: Of course not. We are returning Christmas to its roots, to its basics. I have prepared several Christmas sermons that have been well received.

Reporter: Oh, I haven’t seen any. Where might I find them?

King Charles: I sent them to my friends in the South, and to the pastors of the bigger churches.

Reporter: Evangelicals and the mega-churches — the prosperity preachers?

King Charles: Who else? That is the real meaning of Christianity — the chosen few, God’s anointed.

Reporter: What is the message of Christmas? What should the children understand about Christmas, Christ?

King Charles: They should understand that life is work, and work is life. The more you work, the better your life will be. Don’t expect any handouts. Expect nothing from anybody.

Reporter: So, no peace, no brotherhood?

King Charles: Brotherhood? Bah. Brotherhood is just another name for Socialism.

Reporter: And Socialism is bad?

King Charles: Socialism is communism; and communism is evil. My father taught me that, and he knows. He worked for Stalin…

Reporter: And Hitler.

King Charles: Lies. My father never worked for Hitler, and he soon came to despise Stalin. My father started the John Birch Society. He hated Communism. Socialism is communism.

Reporter: There are some who would argue, but we are getting away from why you want to cancel Christmas

King Charles: It is cancelled. There will be no more Christmas, now and forever.

Reporter: I understand. I must congratulate you on your magnificent write-in campaign.

King Charles: Thank you. It took David and I a few years and a few dollars, but we finally convinced people of the need for a strong hand on the tiller. The Constitution badly needed to be re-written, and I’ve been only too happy to respond to the unsolicited outpouring of support.

Reporter: Yes, no one else could’ve cancelled Christmas. No President could’ve done it. It took someone like you.

King Charles: I’m humbled by the honor bestowed on me. Now we’re no longer hamstrung by elections, we can be more efficient, more productive. America can be great again.

Reporter: Without Christmas.

King Charles: Without Christmas.